When you go to the Vatican, there's a sign that tells you to cover up your knees and shoulders or a gang of altar boys will drag you into a room where Mad Mel Gibson will scream at you to blow him for an hour. The walls of the Sistine Chapel don't want to be covered in sin from being exposed to your bare knees and bare shoulders, because:
Child rape: meh.
Bare shoulders and bare knees: Blasphemoso!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: Google Translation tells me "bestemmiare" is Italian for blasphemy, but that just doesn't have the dramatic effect I was looking for.)
But rules are rules and apparently, Jennifer Aniston only followed half of the rules when she and Justin continued their European photo-op tour by visiting Vatican City yesterday. When a tour guide took Jen and Justin to the Basilica, she covered her shoulders but kept her knees out. This led The Daily Mail to ask the extremely important question: "Did the Vatican bend the rules for Jennifer?" No, the Vatican didn't bend the rules for Jen's knees. Jen is just a badass motherfucking rebel now that she's with the baddest dude in Bel Air. They break rules, that's just what they do. But seriously...
I went to the Vatican at Christmas times and unfortunately I didn't see Lucifer show himself through exposed knee caps, but I did see some hotter shit. There were these two really trashy and really glamorous "in a Juicy Couture sweatsuits with heels kind of way" tourists shoving through the crowd in front of the giant nativity scene to get to the front. They shoved at me, I shoved at them and then one of them actually shouted, "Get the fuck out of the way, I want to see the Baby Jesus!" Baby Jesus has been gifted with gold, frankincense and myrrh, but the greatest gift he ever got was the gift of the fuck word from two pieces of trash.
"Aaaaaand 1...2.. flash that ring to give Star Magazine a photo for their next 'JEN & JUSTIN ENGAGED!' cover story" is what Jennifer Aniston said to herself 4 seconds before this picture was taken. Nobody said that whoring for tabloid stories isn't hard work.
Before Justin Theroux flew to France with Jennifer Aniston in a private plate, checked into the finest hotel in Paris, ate the finest meals at the finest restaurants and took the finest shit in the finest toilet in Europe, he was in L.A. at the premiere of that Rock of Ages (aka the propaganda film secretly titled The Tommy Girl Really Does Love Pussy Movie), which he co-wrote. You'd think that the reporters at the premiere would ask the rockabilly Eddie Munster about his writing process and if it's true that the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was his inspiration for the line "I just threw up in my pants," but no. (Side note: Yes, the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has inspired me to write about butt batter all day.) They asked him about Jennifer Aniston instead. Go figure. Justin said this shit when Extra brought up Aniston:
"Could not be happier. I always go to bed thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
It's like he siphoned those words straight out of a multi-millionaire lottery winner's mouth! Not counting the hos who are about to put a spoonful of Burger King's bacon sundae in their mouth, this bitch is the luckiest dude in the world. Justin is soon going to live in a $21 million Bel Air mansion, he rests his skull every night on a pillow stuffed with cashmere-wrapped baby swan feathers, can take an elevator down to the Cabbage Patch nursery in his basement, has the most energetic b-hole ever from washing his asshole on a SmartWater bidet AND he's with a woman with impeccable fashion sense. I'm talking about those jeans and that Operation wishbone piece necklace. Aniston wears that necklace to remind her of all the special Saturday nights she spent playing Operation with her Beanie Babies. (SPOILER ALERT: The BBs won every game.) So of course, Justin is lucky. I bet his anus lips are shaped like a four-leaf clover.
Yeah, "Therouxiston" doesn't really work as a couple name. I know the whole celebwhore couple name thing is something that should've been buried deep in the Internet cemetery marked 2008, but I'm an old-fashioned blogger who likes to stick with traditions and shit. I've heard the names JenStin, AniRoux and JustiFer, but none of those have stuck with me. Maybe JustAnis or AnisTheroux? AnisTheroux almost sounds like "anus throw up," and Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux do remind me of butt discharge for some reason. AnisTheroux it is!
Jennifer and Justin strut all around Paris today, because nothing sells a movie and kills a break-up rumor like hand-holding on le ho stroll. Fire up the BREAKING NEWS siren, because Jennifer wore almost the same outfit two days in a row. When Jennifer and Justin landed at the airport yesterday, she wore BAGGY rolled-up jeans. And for her strut through Paris this morning, she wore TIGHTER rolled-up jeans. What does it all mean, besides the fact that she has shit taste in jeans? I'm sure in the next issue of Star Magazine, an expert will say that Jen changing jeans is a secret message to Brad Pitt.
I actually like the baggy jeans better, because from the waist down it makes her like the Cabbage Patch boy doll I had in preschool. And that shit is fitting.
Over two weeks ago, Jennifer Aniston was planning a wedding, then she had a case of the babies and now hos are saying that she's about to renew her membership to the Forever Alone Society. Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says that when Justin Theroux sits at the breakfast table in Jennifer's Bel Air mansion, he softly sings "fuuuuuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiife" to himself as she sticks one of those Plum pouches in the mouth of her Baby Alive. Some source says that when Justin is lying in bed next to Jennifer, while she's clutching a Beanie Baby monitor, the dream bubble in his head is filling up with pictures from his past life. Justin wants to back to NYC and he wants to go back to his ex-piece Heidi Bivens. So says the source:
“The bloom is off the rose. He wants his old home, his old love and his old life back. Justin and Heidi still talk, and they are very supportive of each other. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive though it was a total shock when he began seeing Jen behind her back while they were still living together. Justin is full of remorse and regret which he has told Heidi. Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.”
And then Star's editor says they heard a voice in the distance say, "Heidi, you dumb ass bitch, get off that pay phone! And take off that disguise, it's not like they can see your stupid ass. Get back up into the apartment and clean up the mess you made while pasting pictures of your face over Jennifer Aniston's face in all those magazines!"
Since reboots are the thing, I love how the tabloids have rebooted the Brangelina/Aniston triangle of grossness and cast Aniston as Angie, Justin as B. Pitt and Heidi as Aniston. I wonder who they'll cast as the Maddox? (SPOILER ALERT: Aniston's Prep Boy Asian CB Doll)
Jennifer Aniston's dreams of marrying an actual human man (instead of a Real Groom Doll) by her minister dog (she made him get officiated online a couple of years ago) while surrounded by Beanie Baby flower girls and Cabbage Patch bridesmaids in the basement chapel she's having built in her new Bel Air mansion is not going to happen, because she doesn't have time for that shit now that she has to beat those whores Brangelina to the altar. TMZ says that Jennifer Aniston is about to make every tabloid editor drown in a pool of their own panty pudding by marrying Justin Theroux this summer.
A source (aka their publicist) close to the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete, Greece told TMZ that Jennifer was there recently checking the place out as a possibility for her wedding venue. Jennifer told the hotel that she's planning a July wedding. Jennifer chose Crete as the place she wants to break the spinster curse Maddox put on her, because that's where her dad is from.
Here we go.... Today's headline is "Jennifer Aniston to Marry in Crete" and tomorrow's headline will be "Angelina Jolie BUYS Crete." Next week's headline will be "Jennifer Aniston to wear Vera Wang" and that will be shortly followed by the headline "Angelina Jolie ADOPTS Vera Wang." The summer Olympics will be foreshadowed by hos watching Brangie and Jennifer Aniston racing each other to People's "YES! We're Married!" cover. I just hope that the camera man zooms in on Maddox right before he puts his foot in front of a sprinting Jennifer Aniston as she's about to pass Angie.
Hollywood Life, your source for all Barfgelina/Analstain fan fiction, said last week that Jennifer Aniston had nothing but smiles for the news that her ex-husband is now engaged to whore pit viper (© Joan Rivers) Angie Jolie and she would even RSVP a yes if she got an invite for the wedding. Well, now E! News is hearing from a source close to Jennifer that the Brangie engagement news has made her constipated and she has zero shits to give it. Jennifer cares more about planning the quinceanera of her eldest Cabbage Patch doll than she does about Brangie's stupid ass wedding. The source explained it like this:
"She doesn't care. She really doesn't. She's happy with Justin [Theroux]. She'll probably marry him. She's moved on. People don't want to believe it, but she has."
Now, this I believe. If Jennifer really wanted to experience a Brangelina wedding, she'd just make her own at home. Jen would make Justin Theroux wear a soft Brad Pitt mask she knitted with Brad's shed pubes. Then she'd put rubber lips on one of the garden lizards her dog caught, and call it Angie. Then as one her Precious Moments priest figurines presides over the ceremony, she'd bust in as Jennifer Aniston. Justin as Brad would drop garden lizard Angie, run to Jen and they'd re-consummate their true love in a bathtub full of ice cream soup. So yeah, Jen is over it (and yes, she's totally going to act out that scene on Brangie's real wedding day).
And about Angie's ring, which she wore while slithering around L.A. yesterday. People says it's 10 carats and cost around $1 million, but UsWeekly says it's 16 carats and cost around $500,000. Brad worked with jeweler Robert Procop for about a year on the ring and the diamond is supposedly conflict-free. The ring may be conflict-free, but it's not boring-free. Brad is a "design GENIUS" (- Brad Pitt) and RoboCop spent months looking for the perfect diamond, and this is the best they could come up with? RoboCop wasted his time. He could've just called QVC, because they have a ring just like that.
While promoting his role as Jennifer Aniston's full-time piece on Ellen, Justin "I Don't Talk About My Relationship!!!!!" Theroux sort of talked about Maddox's nemesis when he said she can't get enough of his sweet, sweet breakdancing moves. Justin's girlfriend, who we might know since her face is on the cover of InTouch Weekly ever got dayum week, watched him breakdance in Zoolander and now she asks him to do it all the time. Justin said that he can't get down without his special breakdancing shoes, and that's when Ellen magically pulled them out of her ass for him to slip on and dance for us. I don't think I've ever seen a manorexic bat breakdance before, but if I did, it would probably look a lot like what I just watched.
Okay, I'm a Brooklyn gay so some of my jeans are so damn tight that I need a shoe horn and a prayer to get into them, but Justin has me beat. Either Justin has a permanent case of blue balls from those jeggings suffocating them or he has the freshest balls ever since they're always vacuum packed. Those are the kind of jeans that need a zipper on the front and back. I could maybe wear those jeans as a shrug, but using them a chopstick cozy would be a more realistic.
Here's Justin at Jennifer Aniston's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony today wearing pretty much the exact same hipster pallbearer outfit he wore on Ellen. I don't know if he's wearing the same jeggings, but I wouldn't doubt it since that shit is impossible for him to get out of. After the ceremony, Jennifer, her daddy, Adam Sandler, Malin Akerman and a team of world champion tug-o-warers pulled those jeans off of him.
At last night's premiere of Wanderlust at the Village Theater in Westwood, dozens of people finally had the answer to the question, "I wonder what it look like if a fugly pink prom gown from the 80s barfed all over one of Tootsie's good dresses?" when Malin Akerman showed up wearing this mess. (In my best Tim Gunn voice) This is just TOO much dress.
If Malin cut those sleeves off (they kind of look like satin intestines) with Jennifer Aniston's chin, she would've looked fine. Hell, if she cut off the dress and only wore the sleeves with those shoes, she would've looked fine too. That fugness looks even worse when Malin's standing next to Jennifer Aniston. They look like they both got really good deals at the Big Business costume sale and they're too happy about it. Here's a fashion tip: If Bette Midler and/or Lily Tomlin would've worn it in Big Business, strip it off your body and try again. Trying to top Bette and Lily is an impossible act.
When Jennifer's posing on her own, though, her dress doesn't look that awful. It not the usual little black shit she wears and it's drawing our eyes to her womb. If you stare at Jen's magic eye dress long enough, you can almost see a fetus with a widow's peak wearing an "Eff Off Maddox" onesie. So, well played, Aniston.
Here's some other hos at last night's premiere including Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. Justin and Jennifer stayed away from each other on the red carpet, but at least she didn't make his ass wait in the car this time.
The grown up Eddie Munster, Justin Theroux, had an interview with New York Magazine and after a swarm of cotton-killing moths tried to eat his whole shirt, he was asked about his new shit show Wanderlust (WHO CARES!!!), his work as a screenwriter (WHO CARES: THE SEQUEL!!!) and his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Because everything you need to know about TheAnis is on display during the photo-ops her publicist sets up, Justin ate his tongue and refused to say shit:
Theroux knows only too well that his relationship with Aniston is not just making him more famous but is also a selling point for Wanderlust. “I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it,” he says. “That’s building your own torture device.”
"You know what a torture device is, Michael? You putting this WHO CARES trash in my eyes?" is definitely the thought that has climbed up to the think bubble above your head. But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it's a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you'd think that Jennifer would've shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he'll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she's already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.
If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother:
"She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home."
But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon.
Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops.
We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black.