Elmo will have to start turning tricks on Sesame Street's ho stroll to pay his legal bills, because he's got another lawsuit to deal with. When it rains gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape, it pours gay models accusing Elmo of statutory rape. I guess. The NYDN says that a now 29-year-old unnamed dude who's going by the name John Doe has a filed lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court this morning against the new Michael Jackson, Elmo.
John Doe's lawyer John Herman said that just like Cecil Singleton, his client met Kevin Clash on a gay phone chat line in 2000 when he was 16. They talked for a couple of days before Kevin Clash invited John Doe over to his apartment to get it on. Kevin apparently told John Doe he was 30, but John Doe figured out there were way more than 30 rings around Kevin's trunk when they met in person. They continued to bump bare nipples for a few years and John Doe realized who Kevin Clash was in 2003 when he saw "Elmo dolls, an Emmy award and photographs of Elmo with movie stars" in his apartment. John Doe started writing a book about doing illegal sex with Elmo in 2009 and his lawyer will present some of the pages to the media in a press conference today. Oh, and John Doe's lawyer is the same dude who is representing Cecil Singleton.
Of course, TMZ got a hold of the lawsuit and in the documents, John Doe says that Kevin Clash used booze to get into his chonies. Kevin boozed John Doe up and kept him that way. Kevin and John Doe didn't do butt sex until John Doe was 18. But when John Doe was 16, they got into some oral sex stuff and Kevin did "digital penetration of John's anus."
Yes, I had to look up "digital penetration." I kept picturing Elmo sticking a robot dildo in a dude's no-no and I don't like that picture. "Digital" is just a fancy way of saying "fingers." So yeah, Elmo finger fucked John Doe and John Doe has been butt burping up red fur ever since.
And if Kevin Clash's dumb ass wins both of the lawsuits against him, I really hope Big Bird releases a white dove outside of the courthouse.
Earlier today, Elmo's former voice Kevin Clash turned his I QUIT THIS BITCH letter into Sesame Street's human resources office right after TMZ said that a second accuser filed a lawsuit against him. That second accuser, Cecil Singleton, is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million in damages, because he claims that dry humping on Kevin when he was just 15 years old left him emotionally scarred. Cecil and his lawyer held a press conference in NYC today and he wanted to make a few things clear: Elmo dry humped him, but they didn't do butt sex until years later.
Cecil, whose eyebrow situation tells me that he's all business, told reporters this afternoon that after meeting Kevin Clash on a gay chat line in 2003, they "dated" for about two weeks. During that two weeks, Kevin took him out to fancy dinners and sprinkled money all over him. Cecil and Kevin kissed, dry humped, fapped and groped on each other, but it never went beyond that. Cecil says he broke shit off, because Kevin wanted a more serious relationship and he wasn't ready for that. They kept in contact and after Cecil became legal, they took things all the way.
This is ten kinds of messy and I'm left with a million questions. Why is Kevin Clash doing this to us? Why were people still using phone chat lines in the year 2003? Why do I wish this can go to trial and be televised on CNN HD so I can watch Cecil Singleton whip his mane as he sashays up to the stand to testify? Is Cecil Singleton half unicorn or full unicorn? Is Cecil Singleton the name of a Tennessee Williams character, because it sounds like one? And more importantly, where is Gloria Allred in all of this?!
Gloria Allred should've sniffed Elmo's saliva on Cecil Singleton's ass from ten thousand miles away. Gloria would've made this press conference so much better. She would've made Cecil act out his relationship with Kevin Clash using a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Cecil Singleton made a huge mistake by not hiring the publicity stunt ringmaster that is Gloria Allred.
I don't like that it took two accusations of illegal boy boning, but I am glad that Elmo can't let out another nerve-killing, soul-butchering annoying cackle for now. Elmo is temporarily mute today, because his voice box has quit this bitch and is done fisting Muppets. After 28 years of being the voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash is no longer the voice of Elmo. Sesame Street released this statement to everyone today:
Sesame Workshop's mission is to harness the educational power of media to help all children the world over reach their highest potential. Kevin Clash has helped us achieve that mission for 28 years, and none of us, especially Kevin, want anything to divert our attention from our focus on serving as a leading educational organization. Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding Kevin's personal life has become a distraction that none of us want, and he has concluded that he can no longer be effective in his job and has resigned from Sesame Street. This is a sad day for Sesame Street.
Usually, when a dude resigns from his job while in the middle of a sexo escandalo, it means that more accusers are about to come forward and another one has. 30-something Cecil Singleton, the one on the right serving up some subway-style El Debarge-ness, has gone to TMZ and showed them on the Elmo doll where Elmo tickled him when he was 15. Cecil now joins Sheldon Stephens in The Elmo's Underage Pieces Club.
Sheldon allegedly got around $125,000 to go away, but Cecil wants around $5 million. Cecil is suing Kevin Clash for $5 million, because he says he "did not become aware that he had suffered adverse psychological and emotional effects from Kevin Clash's sexual acts and conduct until 2012."
In Cecil's lawsuit, he says that he met Kevin Clash on a gay phone chat line in 1993. Cecil was 15 at the time and Kevin was 32. The two met in person and Cecil says Kevin tried to gain his trust by taking him to fancy dinners and giving him money. Cecil says that he wasn't the only one and Kevin regularly had sex with teenage boys he met on the chat line.
This mess was already a come-to-life nightmare and now it's an even bigger come-to-life nightmare, and a lot has to do with 900 numbers from the 90s being brought up. I completely blocked out the tragic memory of lying to my mom when she asked my why there was $30 worth of 1-900 charges on her phone bill. To think, I could've told her that I was just having a G-rated conversation with Elmo. UGH!
I'm sure the next accuser is going to show all of us a face-less, shirtless picture that Elmo e-mailed him after meeting in an AOL chat room. I hate Elmo even more now. Put that sucio bitch in prison and make Grover the star of Sesame Street for once and for all.
UPDATE: Cecil Singleton's lawyer apparently made a typo on the documents. Cecil says he's currently 24 years old and not in his 30s. The alleged abuse happened in 2003, not 1993. Wait, so gay phone chat lines existed in 2003?!
(Picture of Cecil Singleton via MySpace, and no, I am not going to comment on his dewey peach hair color)