Khloe Kardashian

After watching Ray J's trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called "I Hit It First" and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian's big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don't know who's trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should've spent less of the video's $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should've laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that's just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there's the Kartrashian's vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians' yacht and she didn't do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it's okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don't know.  I'm not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I'll stare at this picture and try to figure out who's winning the battle to the biggest, Kim's bump or ass?

"Ew, can you believe they don't have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn't realize we were in the ghetto, girl," is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy's flagship workout studio and Goopy's blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy's workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn't show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can't cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

"He can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook."

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won't say shit, because we'll know what they've been through. We'll know.

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.

Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

If that headline didn't make your genitals shrivel up and fall off your body before slithering out the door, then watching this clip from last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami will.

During last night's episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle, Khloe Kartrashian tells Kim and the slow one that she read that drinking pineapple juice makes your pussy taste sweet, so they put it the test. Dumping an entire Domino sugar factory into Kim's koochie couldn't make it sweet, but she goes for it anyway. At around the 32:30 mark in the video above, Kim and Kourtney take turns wiping their chochas on cloth napkins for Khloe to sniff on. Khloe tells the camera, "We're sisters, if I can't smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?" There's so many things these bitches can do as sisters. They can throw themselves into oncoming traffic. They can hold hands and jump into an active volcano together. They can feed themselves to wolves. They can do so many things!

After smelling Kim and Kourtney's pussy fumes, Khloe declares Kim the winner.

A wookie must have a weak sense of smell, because any other person would've fallen to the floor, convulsed and started foaming at the mouth once they sniffed Kim's kunt kreme. The producers of Dirty Jobs wanted Mike Rowe to work as Kim's gyno for one episode and even he couldn't say yes to that.

Either this pussy smelling contest was rigged or Bruce Jenner was hiding in the other room and Kim wiped her cloth between his butt cheeks, because you know he smells like a sugar cube dipped in hummingbird juice. I swear, these sucio slags. I kan't with them.

And here's KKK's kreator, Pimp Mama Kris, at the launch of Chunky Rob's sock line in Las Vegas. I'm surprised Kim and Kourtney didn't rub their boxes one of Rob's socks. PMK is slipping, because she definitely missed that product placement opportunity.

Pimp Mama Kris' mighty pimp hand will be busy slapping Khloe Kardashian up and down the ho stroll today, because her fourth biggest money maker (behind Kanye, Kim and Lamar) has been fired from The X-Factor. The New York Post says that Hazmat has been called to the studio where X-Factor shoots to deodorize the fame whore stench left by a Kartrashian, because she is never coming back into the building again. A source says that Khloe will follow Brit Brit and L.A. Reid out the exit door. Mario Lopez is staying. Hosting coach Marki Costello tells the Post that she's not surprised that Fox sent Khloe back to the ho stroll:

"I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor. But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it? It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her. It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”

This isn't surprising to anybody, because Khloe was about as stiff as the boner Mario Lopez gets when he looks in the mirror, she couldn't read a teleprompter and her delivery was so plastic and unnatural that she made Kim look like an actual breathing human being who feels real emotions. If they're keeping Mario, they should'nt even bother replacing Khloe's ass, because every co-host will be outshined by the most talented and gloriously gorgeous host in the universe: Mario Lopez. The only co-host that can keep up with Mario Lopez is a Mario Lopez hologram. That's what they should do. They should let Mario co-host with Mario. Yes, Mario won't be able to control himself and he'll try to butt fuck his hologram during the live shows, but that will be the most entertaining thing to come out of X-Factor.

And Simon better pour wolf piss all over his backyard, because if he doesn't, Khloe will gallop down the hill, hop over his fence and come for him.

Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.

Kim must've gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named "Mercy" after one of Kanye West's songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.

Imagine you're an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy's face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.

Webster's needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:

Although, the name "Mercy" is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy's constant internal monologue is this: "Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!" 

As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I'll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer's face, the cameras are there.

To save her floating turd of a network from completely sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl, Oprah shoved herself into a full body condom and got into bed with whores. Godprah joined forces with the harlot heffas of HELL for an interview airing this holy Sunday on OWN.

I know that OWN has become that struggling, broke down, thirsty hooker who has lost its prime corner on the best part of the stroll and is now lucky to get a wooden coin for a sloppy handjob behind a Datsun parked in the alley, but has it really come to this? Was Courtney Stodden not available for an interview? Tan Mom? OctoMom? The Hot Dog Hooker? Literally ANYBODY but the Kuntrashians? How the Mighty O has fallen into the whore pit viper pit.

So far clips of the interview have been the same, re-hashed crap. Was the obviously staged wedding staged? NEVER! Is Khloe's biological father one of the neanderthals in the Natural History Musuem? NOT! But then Oprah asked Rob and the KKKs (that sounds like the name of the #1 band in Hell) about Pimp Mama Kris' pimping ways:

O: What do you say to people, and you've heard it, when people say your mother is pimping her children.

Kim: I think that's so ridiculous.

Rob: She's our mom.

Kim: First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless somebody has to get that. No one will fight harder for you than your own mother. She knows us. She knows all of our moods. Whether sometimes Khloe and her like are like 'Mom/manager' and they go back and forth.

O: You're very clear on that, though. You don't have to go back and forth. You know the line between mom and manager.

The slow pregnant one: They....work....well....really...well. *drooooooool*

Kim: We just get each other. We vibe. It works. No matter what, no one would fight harder for you than your own mother.

O: So you've never felt exploited by your own mother?

KKK: No, never.

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris was slightly off camera with her ho slappin' hand up in the air and a look on her face that clearly said, "Kim, you better stick to the script, ho, or the next completely fake husband I set you up with will have a white dick!"

via E! Online 

Scientists studying the ongoing mating rituals of the North American sasquatch will have to get research footage from other sources, because Lamar Odom has killed E!'s Khloe & Lamar by pulling out of that mess to focus on saving his basketball career. The Dallas Mavericks pretty much put Lamar on the curb after his worst season ever and so he's trying to up his chances of getting traded to another team by dropping the reality shit show baggage he brought to the Mavericks.

TMZ says that Khloe & Lamar's second season will be its last. Their source says that Lamar is working with new trainers full-time in L.A. and doesn't want to be bothered by having to fulfill his contractual obligations with E! by letting Khloe dry mount him on camera several times a day. But Lamar isn't completely free from the clutches of Ryan Seacrest's evil-making troll claws. Lamar will still be on Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians every now and again.

It's always a good day when the Kuntrashian fame whore machine weakens, but Lamar is still in danger, girl. Lamar's game isn't down because of the cameras. Lamar's game is down because when he goes to sleep at night, Pimp Mama Kris slithers out of the closet and feeds her black demon heart by sucking the life blood out of him through the artery in his taint. (Yes, we have taint arteries. I just tapped at mine.) PMK did it to Bruce Jenner and she's doing it to Lamar too. Run, Lammy, ruuuuun.

But seriously, Khloe looks like the Edward Munster of the family, but she's actually the Marilyn. Who knew that a Kardashian would actually choose the happiness of her husband over the cameras? If that doesn't say (in Maury's voice) "Robert Kardashian, you are not the father," then I don't know what does.

And here's Khloe, Kim and Lamar handing the same ball while shooting scenes for Khloe & Lamar in his hometown of Jamaica, Queens on Friday.

The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.

Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.

In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:

"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"

Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?

And thanks to that picture, your lunch is now out of your stomach.

The City of Dallas has just announced to its residents that it's safe to let their small dogs play in the backyard again, because the threat of Khloe Kardashian pouncing down from the trees to eat them is no more! Khloe and Lamar Odom are packing up their industrial-strength fuck swings and going back to the Karkrashian family whore headquarters in Kalifornia now that he's no longer a part of the Dallas Mavericks. After weeks of back and forth, Lamar and the Mavericks finally broke up, and he confirmed it with this statement to ESPN (via Radar):

"The Mavericks and I have mutually agreed that it's in the best interest of both parties for me to step away from the team. I'm sorry that things didn't work out better for both of us, but I wish the Mavs' organization, my teammates and Dallas fans nothing but continued success in the defense of their championship."

Radar says that this season was Lamar's worst in his entire career and that means that the KARDASHIAN KURSE is growing stronger! Lamar was dropped by the Lakers, thrown to the side by the Mavericks and you can blame it all on the Kuntrashians. When Pimp Mama Kris is done sucking every drop of energy from Lamar, he'll be lucky to get a third string position on the Chernobyl Cyclopses. Lamar needs to ruuuuuuuuuun while he still can, because right now this is his future:

I repeat. THIS is Lamar's future: