Kris Jenner Addresses The Rumor That Bruce Jenner Might Be Transitioning

The only transitioning I care about is how Bruce Jenner is transitioning to a life of freedom after his harrowing escape from the clutches of the Kardashian Koven. I shed a tear every time I think about that poor man being held captive by that awful family, and how brave he had to be to endure more than 20 years of their sadistic torture and awful-looking faces.

Even though I thought I already explained everything you need to know about Bruce Jenner’s gorgeous nails (basically, you should consider cutting off your own hands and replacing them with those foam Hulk hands, because they’ll never be as beautiful and elegant as his) Entertainment Tonight (via The Daily Mail) still wanted to find out what was up with Bruce. Instead of just accepting that Brucie is a stone-cold 10 (deal with it) Kris Jenner has offered this explanation of his hands:

“Well, he wears clear. I dunno. I think when he gets his nails buffed they put clear [nail polish]. The bottom line is we sell magazines. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff in the media, tabloids is made up.”

From your lips to Satan’s ears, Kris. I don’t even know if I used that phrase right – I just wanted to give you the gross mental image of Kris Jenner whispering sweet nothings to Satan, and the follow-up image of Satan swatting her away, going “Stop it, you’re giving me the creeps. Don’t you have a child that needs pimping out somewhere?”

I wish Kris had just responded like a normal person and said: “Who cares? He has long fingernails” but there I go again assuming that Kris is a normal person and not a desperate-for-attention, soul-sucking viper from the pits of Hell. I should be more surprised that she didn’t try to lead Entertainment Tonight on for ratings. “Why does Bruce have long nails? Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could say this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is all about transsssformations. Wink! I have to say ‘wink’ because my eyes no longer open and close on command.”