Lana Del Rey

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston

I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.

And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

When a trick spends an entire night with Lindsay Lohan at Chateau Marmont, the first thing she does in the morning is pull her valuables out of Kleptohan's booty bag of a cooch. The next she does is wash away Lindsay Lohan's stank with alcohol-based hair dye. That's obviously the reason for why Lana Del Taco dyed her usually red locks a shitty shade of MEH and showed it off at last night's GQ Men of the Year Awards in London. I've seen painted up corpses lying in coffins that give more expressive facial expressions than Lana does, but at least the ginger hair made her look like she belonged on Team The Living if we ever got into a humans vs. zombies war. But now, she looks like cold death on ludes.

If you're ever out of Ambien, and for some reason Lana Del Rey and Kristen Stewart are in the room with you, just ask them to take turns giving each other really sad news using only their facial expressions. Watching those two miserables bitches try to out-Emo each other will put you out faster than watching paint dry on a Kate Bosworth cardboard cutout.

If you only focused on the lyrics "tar pit trap," "meat-eating orchids," and "umbilical noose" in Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box, you'd totally know that Kurt Cobain wrote that song about Courtney Love's pussy. Well, just in case Lana Del Rey doesn't know that Courtney's punane was the inspiration for "Heart-Shaped Box," Courtney let her know over and over and over and over again on Twitter. Llama Del Taco yawned out HSB during a show in Sydney and the cover somehow made its way into Courtney's ears. Courtney immediately poked at Lana on Twitter (via ONTD) and kept going on about how her dumpster-shaped death hole is a muse. Every time Courtney openly talks about her vagina, a peen gets cancer, turns black and falls off before it can be eaten.

While performing that song, Lana sounds like she's dying a slow, painful death, so she was definitely thinking of Courtney Love's vagina while singing it.

But really, while singing HSB, Lana sounds like a dozen tortured souls screaming for mercy from a bottomless pit in the afterworld and that's exactly the same sound that comes out of Courtney's cooch when she queefs. So Lana's cover was a beautiful and fitting tribute to Courtney's tar pit trap pussy.

Q: "Why did every L.A. area drug dealer tell me they were all out of the bad shit when I called each and every one of them on Tuesday night?" - Charlie Sheen

A: Lindsay Lohan, Lady GaGa and Lana Del Rey had a slumber party at the Chateau Marmont. The end.

William Shakespeare is somewhere up in heaven, slapping himself in the face with his quill pen for being born in the wrong time period, because this right here is more terrifying than any three witches scene from Macbeth. X17Online via (via Digital Spy) says that the Chateau Marmont almost crumbled into a million pieces from the weight of bloated egos, mountains of cocaine, polyester weaves and plastic lip jelly in one room. A source says that Lady CaCa, LiLo and Llama Del Meh (aka The Evil Ls) had dinner in the garden before going up to a room to "play dress up, watch old movies and play board games." You should've read that last part while making air quotes, because that's obviously just fuckedupmess code for whiskey enemas, gargling coke with their nostrils and passing out in a puddle of vomit ("Try to pass out in your own!" - tip of the night from LiLo).

Earlier in the night, LiLo tweeted "#skinnysnack1" (translation: #cooooooooke1) at CaCa and CaCa tweeted a picture of a cucumber on the bar. I don't even want to know what they did with that cucumber, but my thoughts and condolences go out to its family, because it can't be easy knowing that its last moments were painful, disgusting and involved lots of toxic body fluids.

If this story is true and isn't just a piece from a horrific fanfic, then it was probably the most boring and annoying threesome ever. Spaced out Lana Del Rey slow danced with a floor lamp all night while CaCa and LiLo melted the paint on the walls by talking non-stop, over each other, about their (f)art. Still, I hope this never happens again, because the world does not need the second coming of the West Hollywood Three.

Here's LiLo leaving a restaurant last night and ho should be using her hands to hold down the top of her head instead of covering her face, because her scalp is practically falling off. Lady CaCa should be ashamed of herself. Bitch snorted up a patch of LiLo's hair when a little coke got on her head.

I know. I know. It's Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I'm going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?

Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom's skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.

And I wish I was about to tell you that Barry Manilow's got Marilyn Manson's zombie cream smeared all over his lips, but no. Before Marilyn Manson and Lana Del Rey, made everyone ask themselves "But where's the fourth horseman?" by posing for this picture with Barry Manilow at the Echo Awards in Germany yesterday, the two got close at a charity event in Berlin. An ONTDer posted the pictures and proclaimed, "NEW COUPLE ALERT!" Marilyn and Lana Del Taco apparently left the event together and snuck into the same hotel. Marilyn sure does have a type and that type is any trick who is stoned enough to lick on his wrinkled powdered donut hole without vomming up her dignity.

Whores throw a lot of shit bombs at Lana Delrrhea, but I don't hate her and that's probably because she's like Chicken Cutlets if Chicken Cutlets sedated herself down to play Jennifer North in a public access remake of Valley of the Dolls. But the only thing creepier than Blahna Del Nay humping on Marilyn Manson (who is transforming into an extra bloated Nicolas Cage as Skrillex) in a hotel room is if Barry Manilow was in the corner finger banging his innie while humming the melody to "Please Don't Be Scared."

Lana Del Rey's album isn't even out yet until later this month, but hos started throwing cold mounds of shit at her months ago when they accused her ass of being as fake as the collagen noodles on her mouth. The Lana haters say that her record label changed her name from Lizzy Grant, uploaded a new musical style into her brain, plumped up her lips with a bike pump and transformed her into some kind of Nancy Sinatra-like indie wonder. And last night, they really tried to make Lana Del Rey happen by pushing her out on Saturday Night Live's stage when they really should've pushed her into an emergency room for a Red Bull injection, because she looked like she was going to fall into a coma mid-hair flip. If this was an episode of Dance Moms, Abby Lee would say that Lana didn't even earn a place on the sand under her pyramid. The whole thing was a new kind of bizarre.

Lana sounded like a Japanese person trying to sing in English with a German accent. I'm sure that what came out of her mouth is not unlike the sounds that come out of a walrus's mouth when it's doing high school theater vocal exercises. The passport of Lana's voice filled up last night, because it was all over the place. (GONG me in the face for that one. I deserve it.) The way she moved too. Lord. It was like someone threatened to shoot all of her loved ones if she didn't give the performance of her life and she doesn't really love her loved ones, but doesn't want them to know that, so she just Meh-ed her way through it. Nerves due to inexperience are a helluva drug.

With all that being blogged, I LOVED EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE OF IT! It was like watching an overly sedated 8-year-old girl do a Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls impersonation. Sedated camp at its finest!

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