Lauryn Hill

Blaming slavery and paying off a huge chuck of her debt to the IRS wasn't enough to keep Lauryn Hill out of the chokey and she will have to spend time behind a prison cell for not paying taxes on the $1.5 million she made from 2005 to 2007. On top of the three month prison sentence, a judge in Newark, New Jersey also sentenced Lauryn to three months of house arrest and 9 months of supervised release. Expect Lauryn Hill to start begging for coins on Kickstarter, because she also has to pay a $60,000 fine.

Last year, Lauryn pleaded guilty to not paying her taxes from 2005 to 2007 and yesterday was sentencing day. Lauryn reportedly signed a $1 million deal with Sony and took out a loan for $650,000 to pay all the taxes, penalties and interest she owes. AP says that days before her sentencing, Lauryn paid more than $900,000, but the U.S. Attorney's Office says that she still owes a lot of money for penalties and interest. Before Lauryn's sentence, she read (and sometimes rapped) a statement where she blamed slavery.

"I am a child of former slaves who had a system imposed on them. I had an economic system imposed on me. I sold 50 million units [and] now I'm up here paying a tax debt. If that's not likened to slavery, I don't know what is."

And Lauryn went on to talk about what happened to her after she left the music industry...

"There were veiled threats, there was blacklisting. I was told, 'That's how it goes, it comes with the territory.' I came to be perceived as a cash cow and not a person. When people capitalize on a persona, they forget there is a person in there."

The judge wasn't moved and he told Lauryn to turn herself in by July 8th.

So either one of two things is going to happen by July 8th. Lauryn Hill will check herself into federal prison and she'll meet her cell mate who is hopefully a serious brown aficionado and will tame her wild eyebrow situation with tweezers (or if they can't have tweezers, wooden chopsticks). Or Lauryn Hill will escape to Canada and join the anti-Star Whackers league with Randy Quaid.

While dressed like Susan from Sesame Street, Lauryn Hill walked into a court room in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to three counts of tax evasion and admitted to a judge that she purposefully didn't pay any taxes in 2005, 2006 or 2007. Bitch is that bold.

The company that Lauryn owns made $818,000 in 2005. Did Lauryn go down to H&R Block to pay taxes on that shit like the rest of us do? Nope. Lauryn made $222,000 in 2006. Did she log onto Turbo Tax to pay that taxes on that shit? Nope. Lauryn also didn't pay taxes on the $761,000 she made in 2007. Lauryn didn't pay any taxes, because she says it was her way of protesting against the man. Three weeks ago, Lauryn took a break from not making a follow-up to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and wrote a rambling explanation on Tumblr for why she told the IRS to eat a fuck for three years in a row. Lauryn's thesis was just a pile of crazy and I swear she co-wrote it with Randy Quaid. Here's a piece of it:

I did not deliberately abandon my fans, nor did I deliberately abandon any responsibilities, but I did however put my safety, health and freedom and the freedom, safety and health of my family first over all other material concerns! I also embraced my right to resist a system intentionally opposing my right to whole and integral survival.
I conveyed all of this when questioned as to why I did not file taxes during this time period. Obviously, the danger I faced was not accepted as reasonable grounds for deferring my tax payments, as authorities, who despite being told all of this, still chose to pursue action against me, as opposed to finding an alternative solution.
My intention has always been to get this situation rectified. When I was working consistently without being affected by the interferences mentioned above, I filed and paid my taxes. This only stopped when it was necessary to withdraw from society, in order to guarantee the safety and well-being of myself and my family.

The Associated Press says that Lauryn will be sentenced in November and she could get up to 3 years in the clink and have to pay up to $75,000 in fines.

Lauryn wasn't hiding underground for those three years. Lauryn is acting like she lived in a tent on Native American land and only ate food shipped in from Mexico, because she didn't want to give the US any of her money. Lauryn was out there performing, making more cash. Isn't there somebody in Lauryn's life who could've reeled in her crazy and told her just to blame the tax issue on her accounting department. That's what I always do. When bill collectors call, I just say, "Oh, those dumb shits in accounting screwed up again. Let me transfer you," and then I hang up. Lauryn should've done that and paid a few fines.

Oh well, I guess if Lauryn goes to the chokey, she can finally write a full album while in there. Yeah, right.

Pretty sure she's birthing out her seventh in the picture above. Just slide a basket under there and when she's finished, tell her ass that you'll wait there until she finally births out a new album. You can re-use the basket.

Lauryn Hill's vagina felt the no-so-familiar feeling of being torn open by a fat baby head for the sixth time earlier this week. There was a complication with the birth of Lauryn's unnamed son (I really hope that crazy named him Unnamed Son) due to his umbilical cord nearly chocking him out, but now he's doing fine. Some things that are not doing fine are Lauryn's nerves.

Last month, Rohan Marley, the father of Lauryn's five other kids, excused his dick from being blamed for knocking her up again. There were also rumors Rohan dropped a knocked up Lauryn for Brazilian model Isabeli Fontanta. Lauryn is now putting a finger to the mouths of gossip talking bitches and is basically confirming that Rohan isn't the father. Lauryn posted this on Twitter last night.

Mr. Marley and I have a long and complex history about which MANY inaccuracies have been reported since the beginning. To speculate without the facts can only cause people to form WRONG conclusions. We both value privacy and for that reason defend and preserve our right to it. Contrary to numerous reports, Mr. Marley did not abandon me while pregnant with his child. We have had long periods of separation over the years but our 5 children together remain a joy to both of us. Thank you for you concern and I appreciate all the well wishes regarding the birth of my new son.

So that's that. Lauryn has added a second baby father to her stud farm and Rohan's hands will be busy writing huge child support checks every month. Glad we could clear that up. Now can Lauryn please throw a WILL BE BACK sign over her overworked womb and sing that statement out over the sound of clapping hands (or something) so we have something new from her to listen to? Less birthing, more singing.

via Washington Post

This past weekend at a show in Detroit, Lauryn Hill declared to the audience that she's taking a break from showing up 3 hours late to concerts to tend her 6th child who is currently leasing space in her womb. Most of us figured that Lauryn's boyfriend of forever and father of her 5 kids, Rohan Marley, was the one who blew her ovaries a testicle kiss full of semen. Rohan says that we would be wrong in assuming that.

Rohan sang every track on his new album The Misspermification of Lauryn Hill yesterday on Twitter and subtly denied with a creepy wink that he's not the daddy. Ro's Twitter denial has since been deleted, but Chron.com broke it down for us:

Soon after Lauryn Hill announced that she is pregnant with her sixth child, Rohan Marley took to Twitter to state that he was not the father (Maury Povich style!). Hip-Hop Wired tweeted a link to their story announcing Hill’s pregnancy. Soon after, a tweet from @RoMarley, replied, “2 things, I’m not married and I don’t have anyone expecting anything.”

The Rohan Marley Twitter account is verified, so we’re going to assume that it’s really him. As far as the baby not being his, a Clutch Magazine writer by the name of @BritniDWrites engaged him in further conversation. She tweeted to him, “so we are clear: 1) you’re not married to your ex-wife or Lauryn, and 2) she isn’t preggo w/your child, but someone else’s?”

His response was a vague, “That is correct until I say out of my mouth to the contrary.”

The writer replied, “Ok. I’ll take it. But you do realize that the ‘until I say something contrary’ addendum cast doubt on your statement.”

The last thing Marley tweeted her was, “trust me, the info out there is so incorrect for so many years…Thx for twitter. I check a few things.”

Was it White Oprah who said, "Lines aren't for reading between they're for snorting?"

Why doesn't Rohan just come out and say it. Typing "I AM NOT THE FATHER" is easier than typing a bunch of Scooby Snacks with no protein. Stop beating around my bush, Ro! (No, seriously, please don't beat around any of my bushes because I don't think prenatal vitamins mix well with morning whiskey.)

Rohan just sounds like a major asshole with dick that makes a bitch loopy. No wonder Lauryn went crazy. She squatted on the tip and she's never been the same since.