Kristen Stewart hobbled into the Oscars on crutches last night and when she presented with Daniel Radcliffe, she limped and twitched like a strung out pimp suffering from severe diarrhea. KStew looked like her publicist peeled her off the bathroom floor, quickly sprayed her down with a hose, threw clothes on her body and pushed her out the door (basically, she looked like a hungover me trying to keep down the barfs while buying a breakfast burrito at Jack In The Box on a Saturday morning).
KStew looked like a visual dry heave, she acted like the Oscars were the last place she wanted to be and I think she left loogie pieces on the mic when she hacked and grunted into it. So some hos were wondering what in alley cat hell happened to her? Did Liberty Ross Nancy Kerrigan her in the knee? Is she trying really hard to get a role on The Walking Dead? Well, UsWeekly has the answer.
A source says that right before she presented, KStew ran into Anne Hathaway backstage and they had a moment that went like this:
Anne - Oh no!
KStew - I know, I'm an idiot. But congratulations!
Anne - Please tell me you're going on stage with those crutches.
KStew - Nope. I'm gonna hobble.
Anne - Well, break a leg. Oops!
KStew - I just hope the wound doesn't open up right now.
The source added that KStew told Anne that she cut her foot open when she accidentally stepped on glass.
I guess KStew learned the hard way that you should always put on a pair of sturdy house shoes before you walk around the crack house, because you never know when some rude and uncouth crackhead is going to leave their broken pipe on the floor. Some crackheads are such slobs. This is a lesson we must all learn.
And I also threw in some pictures of Liberty Ross' nipples at last night's Vanity Fair party, because why not.
And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you've been waiting to use.
Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn't looking for alimony, but he doesn't want to pay Liberty's lawyer either. Cheap bitch.
Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn't work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart's acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn't kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew's box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.
"This was a long time coming," one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders "did want to try to repair the relationship and didn't want a divorce."
Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, "was more than a little upset," adds a second insider. "They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she's the kind of person who wouldn't really ever get over it."
The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they'll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they'll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert's home is wrecked forever and since KStew's coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.
While wearing a coat made of the carcasses of Benji's slaughtered relatives, Liberty Ross left London's Serpentine Gallery last night with a dude who isn't her cheating skank husband Rupert Sanders and she held hands with the dude, so this obviously means that she's scrubbing away Kristen Stewart's saliva (that was transferred to her chocha by Rupert's tongue) on a shrub of curly British pubes. Obviously.
I know, Liberty Ross should be under her bed sheets, wallowing in the shame of her husband passing his nomad tongue to a slow trick with the sex appeal of uncooked peen dough, but she took the advice of important poet Kandi Burruss and is flying above all the drama. Besides, the best way to reheat a cold heart that froze from your husband cheating on you is to put it in front of the warm flashes shooting off of the paparazzi's cameras.
And I know these pictures of Liberty Ross (Side note: The first time I read the name "Liberty Ross," I Googled to see if there's a Ross Dress For Less in a town called Liberty, because I know what's important.) are heart-stoppingly exciting on their own, but I threw in pictures of everyone's favorite British drunk Kate Moss. Kate Moss is saving the economy, one vodka shot at a time.
If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.
Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.
I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.
But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."
UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.
via E! Online