Lindsay Lohan

"Why don't I just flash you real quick and we can pretend like this never.... Wait, why are your running away while scratching at your eyeballs? Take these papers with you!!!!" is probably what White Oprah screamed at a process server yesterday when he dropped off foreclosure notice papers. Both Radar and The New York Post says that a process server dropped off very important court documents at the Lohan family house on Long Island yesterday. The fat-mouthed process served told a reporter for the Post that the documents were for a mortgage issue with Chase bank. Radar says that this isn't the first time White Oprah is in danger of losing the Lohan family crack house and that she's almost $1 million in debt. That gurgling in my stomach isn't from the Oreo and protein powder shake I had for breakfast. It's from thinking of that Steve dude from Vivid offering LiLo and White Oprah $1 million to do mother/daughter porn.

Radar also says that LiLo moved into her old bedroom at White Oprah's house, because her credit sucks and she can't even afford to rent a storage closet in the Bronx. But some source (FYI: in real talk, "some source" translates into "Dina Lohan") tells TMZ that LiLo isn't shacked up in her old bedroom. LiLo is putting the SO? and HO in SoHo, because she's living rent-free in a friend's SoHo penthouse. The friend is letting her stay there for free until she can get her own place and is letting her live there for as long as she wants.

I really can't hate on LiLo's hustle. Whenever I give a lazy handjob and a half-assed blow job, I get pushed out of the car. But when LiLo does it, she gets to live in a SoHo penthouse for free! I wonder if her friend is still going to consider himself a friend of hers when he shows up to his penthouse and finds that she's taken everything including the faucets and that she's been renting the place to the leaders of an underground sex ring for twice as much.

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she's got coke mush for brains. LiLo's mom White Oprah thinks she's solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff.

A detective usually doesn't reveal her suspicions until she's solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn't resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:

"I am increasingly disturbed to be told Ms. Allred's new client lives in Palm Beach just minutes from my ex-husband's home. What else is there to learn about the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident?"

Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It's extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They're obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan's Karate School of Pussy Punting.

Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah's subtle accusation:

"Dina's comments are delusional and just go to show the lengths she'll go to divide me from my children and pollute their minds. The public can see right through her. It's a really sad situation when a mother doesn't join hands with a father to help their daughter instead of
making up stories about him."

White Oprah can't hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand's got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand's holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray.

And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986.