Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is currently living out the best decision of her life (served in a bong made of sarcasm) by trolling around the current Ecstasy capital of the world Coachella and in a few weeks she'll have to shuffle her ass into court-ordered rehab in the Hamptons. Because LiLo can never make anything easy and can't breathe unless she's sticking a thorn into somebody's ass lips, she's going to give the rehab staff a hard time as soon as she walks through the door.

TMZ says that LiLo was under the impression that she can keep downing Adderall while in rehab, but that isn't the case. LiLo claims she has ADHD (in LiLo's case that stands for attention-loving delusional ho disorder) and has to take Adderall at all times. But TMZ is hearing that Seafield Center isn't going to allow it and will make her turn in all of her Adderall when she checks in. Some source says that the Seafield Center allows their patients to take meds prescribed by a doctor, but they're forever side-eyeing Adderall. They're apparently going to try to wean LiLo off of Adderall by giving her a substitute that's less addictive. LiLo is telling her friends that if they try to rip her Adderall from her cold, freckled, demon claws, she'll quit that bitch in a second. And if she quits that bitch in a second, off to jail she goes!

Oh, please, they're not going to take away her Adderall. This is LiLo we're talking about. Bitch rules the world. When she checks in, the staff will softly ask her, "Um, your HIGHness, do you think that we can take your, um, Add-" She'll spit out "NO!" they'll say "OK!" and they'll give her all the Adderall she wants. They'll put an Adderall on her pillow during turn down service every night and they'll constantly fill the mint bowl in her room with Adderall. LiLo will start selling Adderall to the other patients and staff, and by the time she's out of there, everyone in there will be hooked on that shit! The makers of Adderall should really make that bitch a majority shareholder, because ho is keeping them in business.

This is why you should always dip your contacts (which are basically condoms for your eyes) in liquid antibiotics and put that shit on your eyeballs before you turn on the internet.

Everybody at last night's Scary Movie 5 premiere in Hollywood now know what scientists see when they look at pus from a popped syphilis pimple under a microscope. Charlie Sheen kept the free clinic in business by planting his lips on Lindsay Lohan's face as they posed on the red carpet. Shortly after that picture was taken, the left side of bitch's face started to droop, because it saw what was happening to the right side and it was trying to slip out of there before it was too late. But besides LiLo's half-melted face, she actually looks kind of good for LiLo. Charlie Sheen on the other hand looks like burnt egg whites in a beaver wig.

And of course, LiLo was late and showed up 30 minutes before the red carpet ended. LiLo's excuse was that she was at the dentist, which is a totally valid excuse. LiLo figures that since she's going to Coachella this weekend, she's probably going to booze her veneers off, so she got a new set made and they'll be ready on Monday. LiLo is always thinking ahead.

Here's Lindsay Lohan at JFK last night where she was getting on a plane to L.A. for the Scary Movie 5 premiere tonight and Coachella this weekend. While LiLo chased her liver around because it dropped out of her ass after hearing that she's going to Coochella tomorrow, her beloved father Michael Lohan called TMZ because he hasn't gotten attention for a few seconds.

Michael Lohan graduated from the same fancy rehab in the Hamptons where LiLo is going for 90 days, so TMZ asked him about the place and also asked him if he thinks she's going to jump back on the bad shit as soon as she gets out. Michael basically said that LiLo will probably fail rehab the same way he failed at parenting.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a hard time quitting cigarettes since the place is a smoke-free zone: She's battling with drugs, pills and cocaine, so imagine coming off of cigarettes too. Not to mention that she has to detox once she gets in there and that's really tough.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a permanent seat on the wagon after rehab: I'm praying to God she will, to be honest with you. Honestly, I hope so, but I don't think so.

Michael Lohan on LiLo going to Coachella this weekend: I think it is one of the worst idea she could've ever had.

We should all hope that rehab works and LiLo becomes a responsible, sane and law-abiding citizen of humanity who doesn't fuck up every second of the day. Because if that happens, then the mutated ass dingle that is Michael Lohan won't have anything to talk to the media about anymore.

I love it when a dude in a v-neck says everything with a downward side-eye so I don't have to.

Lindsay Lohan is going to start drying out on May 1st and since TMZ knows every detail of every single part of her life, they know where she's going to rehab. They say that even though LiLo's tiny little lawyer Mark Heller is telling the media that she hasn't made a decision about where she's going to rehab, she has made a decision and she's checking into the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach, NY.

TMZ says that lockdown rehab for non-criminals only exists in the fairy land in Mark Heller's mind, but the Seafield Center is sort of close to being a lockdown rehab. Seafield has cameras everywhere and there's staff always at the front door, so if she leaves, they can't stop her, but they will call the police. Leaving rehab will violate her sentence and she'll be thrown in jail immediately (uh huh). Prosecutors apparently signed off on the place and are okay with it.

The Seafield Center's max program is 28 days long, but the center's administrator put together a special 90-day program just for LiLo. LiLo's total stay will cost her over $51k and she isn't allowed to smoke cigs, use a cell phone or dress slutty. I'm surprised the last one wasn't a deal breaker for her.

The chances of me not crying in my bed while hugging an empty bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies at least one time this week are greater than Lindsay Lohan actually spending all 90 days in that place. Bitch is going to break out of there 5 minutes after checking in. But I don't know why she would want to leave. Spending 3 months in a luxurious spa in the Hamptons sounds like a prize you'd get on The Price is Right. What Lindsay Lohan should do is get one of us is to put on a water-damaged leather orange mask and a ginger wig and pretend to be her while we hang out in a luxurious resort for 90 days! Then she can put on an Amanda Bynes mask and continue to be a mess all through NYC. It's a plan!

And in other LiLo news, Radar says that LiLo's friend Claus Hjelmbak planned to stage an intervention on her and he asked Liza Minnelli to help him. Liza's rep confirmed that he asked her and said that she couldn't do it, because she was on tour in South America. I don't know if Liza would've helped, but at least she would've busted out a whole lot of jazz hands and high kicks and made it the best intervention ever.

Lindsay Lohan is on The Late Show tonight and she obviously thought she was there to promote Scary Movie 5, but everybody else knows that she's really there to promote her latest forced visit to the tank. CBS released this preview clip of David Letterman asking LiLo about rehab and her booze addictions, and her fermented tangerine face nearly peeled off her head as she kept looking to the side and lacing all of her answers with sarcasm before spitting them out. (By the way, I think she kept looking to the side, because she kept waiting for the cops to show up to arrest herself for ripping the fabric off of somebody's nana's couch and wearing it as a dress.)

LiLo told Letterman that she's going to dry out for 3 months and when he asked her why she's going to rehab, she said, "We didn't discuss this in the pre-interview, just saying." Then she spat out the same shit she always spits out about how she's happiest when she's working and how rehab is going to help her focus on what she loves and blah blah blah blah blah. Everyone clapped and then she got pissed when he asked her if she's addicted to booze.

Why does LiLo always go on and on about how much she loves working? Ho, please. If she really loved to work, she'd actually show up to work. But anyway, I don't think LiLo liked any of Letterman's questions, but she should've done what she usually does when she doesn't like what someone is saying, slap him! Then White Oprah could've ran out and given Letterman a lap dance while LiLo stole that mic and mug to sell at a pawn shop.

On a positive note, her sandpaper voice exfoliated the inside of my ears.

And here's LiLo before and after the show.

41-year-old multi-millionaire hotelier Vikram Chatwal, better known as Lindsay Lohan's regular, was put into handcuffs at Florida's Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International Airport on Tuesday when his stupid ass tried to get onto an airplane with a whole lot of drugs shoved into his panties and carry-on. What an amateur. LiLo has never been more embarrassed, because she can shove half of Bolivia into her Chocha Full of Grace and easily walk by a drug-sniffing dog. The drug-sniffing dog's nose doesn't even twitch, but probably because it knows to hold its breath whenever she walks by.

Both People and TMZ say that TSA found 6 grams of heroin, coke, Xanax, weed, cat tranquilizers and other pills hidden in his crotch area and bag. Vikram didn't have a prescription for any of those drugs and he later admitted that he bought all of that shit illegally. The TSA handed him over to the Broward County Sherrif's Office and he was booked on one count of trafficking and seven counts of possession.

LiLo couldn't be reached for comment, because she was too busy scratching out Vikram's number from her black book. How can she be associated with a first degree dum-dum who didn't use the fool-proof "THAT'S NOT MY CROTCH! THAT'S NOT MY BAG!" excuse? But Michael Lohan was available for comment (duh) and he told Radar that he's really happy about this:

"I hope all the money in the world can’t get him out of this one. After seeing pictures of him in the past partying with Lindsay in the Dream Hotel it scares me to think that he had ketamine in his possession. I can only image what might have or would have happened to Lindsay with a sick person like this. Even worse, after communicating with Dina she has the nerve to actually defend Vikram. Birds of a feather flock together!”

Of course White Oprah's going to defend Vikram. You never bite the hand that feeds you coke. It's kind of funny, because  "I can only image what might happen to Lindsay with a sick person like this" is the same thing the nurse thought to herself when she handed over a baby LiLo to Michael Lohan.

Here's LiLo, Vikram and her other sugar daddy Domingo Zapata at some gallery show opening last year.

Just like she is with everything else, Lindsay Lohan was late to April Fools' Day and twatted out this pregnancy announcement earlier this morning. In her defense, LiLo uses the cokehead calendar, so she has no idea what day, week, month, year or decade it is. If you could give birth to a FAS-faced 8-ball from snorting mountains of coke and guzzling down gallons of vodka, then I'd believe her. But if she was really pregnant, we'd know it, because she'd immediately give birth to the Four Horsemen and heaven would swallow the earth whole, ending our misery. So the only thing she's pregnant with is desperation.

And only Lindsay Lohan could make me feel sorry for a fake fetus.

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to check into lockdown rehab (which is probably a thing that only exists in the hazy wonderland in her lawyer's head) next month, and when/if she does, the only thing she's going to take with her is an extra large suitcase full of Adderall. TMZ says that during plea negotiations, LiLo only agreed to go to rehab for 90 days if she could keep swallowing down Adderall pills while in there.  Because the prosecutors are wrapped so tightly around LiLo's snortin' finger that the circulation to their brain is cut off, they said "OK!" They're letting LiLo take her drug of choice into rehab.

A source tells TMZ that Adderall has been LiLo's oxygen for years and she can never be without it. Adderall is to LiLo as reruns of House Hunters are to me. She needs it daily and heads will be ripped off if she doesn't get it. (It's true, I will punch the air if I go one day without hearing someone on TV cream themselves over granite counter tops and double vanities.) LiLo was apparently diagnosed with ADHD a while ago, but several hos have side-eyed that diagnosis. TMZ says that when LiLo was in jail for a quick second in 2010, she even got the prison doctor to write her a prescription for Adderall.

So, prosecutors and the judge not only agreed to let LiLo serve her time in lockdown rehab without finding out first if lockdown rehab even exists in real life, but they're also letting her take her drug of choice to rehab. That seems like a brilliant idea. I bet those bitches won't even blink or raise a hand to object when LiLo's little lawyer Mark Heller tells them that he found an Adderall-friendly lockdown rehab facility in California and it's called the Chateau Marmont.

Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan's life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she'll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.

TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.

Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.

But really, who hasn't been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that'll be me this weekend!

Getting a job as Brit Brit's leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl's robot beard and it's way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit's contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won't chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.

A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude's normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller's Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit's corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he'll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar's source didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he's not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That's a deal breaker. The source said this:

“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done."

"Britney just doesn't respond as well to females...." They're talking about her like she's a sedated circus animal who's only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait...

Background checking a possible piece isn't only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it's something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she'd ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what's the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan's or had a credit score under 600, I'd still do him.

Here's Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.