Lindsay Lohan

Because Lindsay Lohan had to remind everyone that she's the original fuck up, she got put into handcuffs at 2:30 this morning in NYC after she allegedly hit a 30-year-old dude with her Porsche Cayenne. When you hit someone with your car, you (who I'm assuming doesn't have White Oprah genes and brains made of coagulated coke balls) check to see if the dude is alright, give him a swig from the flask you keep between your titties and then scream for an ambulance if his ass needs one. But when Blohan hits a dude, she makes her passenger check to see if her SUV has any gross blood stains or whatever on it and then she just sashays into her hotel, because there's a line of the bad shit waiting for her in her room and she doesn't want it to get cold (or she didn't want to keep her john waiting). Let's all lubricate our tonsils with liquid caffeine and scream together now: THIS BITCH! The worst part of waking up is LiLo fucking up.

TMZ says that LiLo was trying to park her Porsche Cayenne near the Dream Hotel at around 12:30 this morning when she ran into the dude's knee. After LiLo ignored the dude and walked into the Dream Hotel, someone called the police. The Police put the freckled terror in handcuffs as soon as she walked out of the hotel two hours later. The dumbass was booked for leaving the scene of an accident and she was later released without having to pay bail. The cops gave her a desk appearance ticket. Surprisingly, the police don't believe that the sweet nectar was running through her veins when she nearly took a bitch out. The victim was taken to the hospital to be checked out, but he had no visible injuries.

LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace, so this latest act of dumb fuckery could get her a ticket back to court in L.A.

In related news, Amanda Bynes, SpongeBob and the rest of the Nickelodeon gang were seen outside of the hospital giving the victim a stack of money and thanking him for a job well done. That's what bitch gets for fucking with SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: 3
Mickey Mouse: ZERO!

And when asked for a comment, White Oprah said:

"This would've never happened if she was in New York!"
"But White Oprah, this happened in New York."
"....Your shoes look silly!"

If you missed today's episode of Dr. Phil with a high as three shades of hell White Oprah, then just take a smug bullfrog and a mangy alley dog hopped up on uppers, downers and middlers, and watch as the latter stares and giggles at the former until it passes out in a puddle of its own drool. Or just watch the supercut Vulture put together. Pharmacists should put the url of this video on the bottles of painkillers warning bitches on what can happen when you mix your pills with equal parts pills and delusion.

Dr. Phil started off the interview by saying that Lindsay Lohan's pimp and enabler called up his producers to say that she wanted to show the world the real her. White Oprah showed us the real her alright and the real her is a slurring, pilled-up disaster who talks and lies just like her daughter. White Oprah didn't want to talk about anything and I'm guessing she was only there because Dr. Phil put her up in a hotel and she wanted to swallow the mini bar whole.

Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan used to beat her, but she didn't want to talk about that. Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan broke into her house, but she didn't want to talk about that. Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan claims she stole $4,000 out of LiLo's purse, but she didn't want to talk about that. White Oprah just awkwardly giggled, pretend cried, commented on Dr. Phil's shoes and kept asking if the cameras were rolling. Yes, the cameras are rolling, bitch, and so are you. You're rolling on ecstasy, booze and whatever pills you stole from Nana Lohan's medicine cabinet.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil sat there like a condescending fart bubble and acted like he was concerned and cared, but he was totally squealing out rainbows on the inside, because he knew this mess would be ratings gold.

White Oprah asking Dr Phil "Can we pound to that?" and him turning her down sums up this whole smug vs. crazy train wreck. When you ask Dr. Phil if he wants to pound (any kind of pounding) and he turns you down, that confirms that there is a rock bottom under rock bottom and you've reached it.

Amanda Bynes' bumper car adventures are over...until she eventually puts on her favorite disguise (they call her Sneaky McCobijaFace) to carjack a Disney star and continue to toke her face off to terrorize the streets of Los Angeles in the name of her satanic overlords at Nickelodeon. (More on that Nickelodeon vs. Disney in a second.)

Bumper Car Mandy was driving through Burbank at around 9:30 yesterday morning when the cops pulled her over. TMZ doesn't say why they pulled her over, but I'm sure it had something to do with weed smoke pouring out of her exhaust pipe and screams coming from the bicyclist who clung to her hood after she hit him and kept on driving. The cops ran her drivers license, found out she's a menace to the streets and put her BMW in car jail.

Amanda's friends and families are probably concerned that her partner in terror, her black BMW, was ripped from her hands, because now that she REALLY has nothing to do, she's going to come over, smoke all of their good shit, hit on their refrigerators and have seriously intense conversations with their coffee table about how the refrigerator over there is a frigid bitch and refused to give her its number. But wait, TMZ says that Amanda is telling her friends that she's not fucking crazy in the brains and she's not a stoner. Amanda wasn't smoking weed in her car, she was smoking tobacco out of a one-hitter that is pretty much only used to smoke weed out of. Yes, this crazy bitch wants us all to believe that she was smoking tobacco. Bitch should've went all the way and said she was smoking oregano and inhaling oregano smoke, because she read in Gourmet Magazine that tacos from Baja Fresh taste so much better with a thick layer of oregano-infused farts on them. (Yes, this is your cue to bring up the image of Amanda Bynes farting on a Baja Fresh taco.)

And now for that Nickelodeon vs. Disney foolery. After Nickelodeon's greatest fuck-up got her car impounded, Disney's greatest fuck-up shaded her on Twitter with the above tweet of grand delusion. Let's see, Amanda Bynes got charged with 1 DUI and 2 hit-and-runs, and her case hasn't been heard by a judge yet, so she's never been convicted of anything yet. Lindsay Lohan has been convicted of DUI, has at least a million probation violations, is a certified jewel thief and almost murdered a kid in a stroller. And the amount of time it took me to write that last sentence is twice as long as the total amount of time Lindsay Lohan has spent in a jail cell.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that LiLo queefed out that tweet as a distraction. Everybody was too busy laughing at that insane tweet that they didn't notice LiLo breaking into the impound lot and sneaking into Amanda's BMW to vacuum up all the weed crumbs in there. Well played, you dumb bitch.

Or maybe this is just the first shot fired in the Nickelodeon vs. Disney war. Spongebob and Mickey better Vaseline up their faces and sharpen their shanks, because the battle has begun. I'm sure President Obama will hold an emergency press conference to state where he stands in this highly important national war.

If you hid under tables at restaurants to snatch designer bags off the floor from unsuspecting hos, never returned the laptop you "borrowed" from Chateau Marmont and faked walking pneumonia so the studio that was dumb enough to hire you puts you on a private jet, you too could have a janky Birkin bag, a janky laptop and sit in janky jet (with dirty, cum-stained and dried vomit covered seats) like Lindsay Lohan!

LiLo tweeted this tweet of inspiration today and I know it has moved a bowel movement out of you. So the next time you're on your knees, giving a beej to a rich john for money to buy a Chanel knock-off, reach for the stars and by that I mean reach for the Rolex around his wrist and slip it off without him knowing it. You can thank LiLo's tweet for pushing you toward your life goals.

And here's everyone's new life coach carrying that Birkin bag while walking into her hotel in NYC today. If you put your head out your window and listen closely, you can hear a bitch screaming, "That's my fucking missing Birkin!"

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan's wallet and Cookie Puss' arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah's legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA's 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah's humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she's an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It's 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And "You're in your little tie and your little shoes...." is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

The producers of Scary Movie 5 apparently didn't know that dealing with Lindsay Lohan is about as pleasant and soothing to the nerves as trying to shit in a public bathroom when the stall door lock is broken and you have to keep it shut with your hand. Everybody knows that trying to brush a shark's teeth with a baby toothbrush is easier than trying to deal with Blohan's messy ass, but the producers of Scary Movie 5 are still shocked and surprised that she's been a cracked out nightmare to work with.

Page Six says that LiLo is only in the movie for a few minutes and only needed to be on set for a few days, so things should've gone easy. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up, she missed rehearsal and didn't get on her flight to the set in Atlanta. LiLo said she had "walking pneumonia" and couldn't make it to the set, but a source says that she didn't want to make fun of herself and that's the real reason why she didn't show up. In the script, LiLo and Charlie Sheen make fun of themselves for being the human Hindenburg disasters of Hollywood. The script calls for LiLo to kiss on Charlie Sheen and she didn't want to do that either. The source explained it like this:

“Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work. She is under contract — so to get out of it, she had to prove that she was sick. She tried to prove she has walking pneumonia. She’s been locked up in her room at the Bowery Hotel. She’s been in a tailspin. Even Charlie Sheen worried she might not be able to do the scene.”

LiLo finally showed up after the studio threatened to sue her for breach of contract and sent a private jet to NYC to pick her up.

First of all, LiLo should want to suck on Charlie Sheen's gnarly warlock face, because do you know how many lines of the bad shit she can lick off his tongue? Second of all, "walking pneumonia" must be the delusional way of saying chlamydia and flaring coke sores. Third of all, the producers of Scary Movie 5 should've just stuck a hidden camera in her stolen suite at the Bowery and put that footage in the movie, because I'm sure there's nothing more hilariously horrific than seeing Blohan in her natural habitat. Fourth of all, we've been getting signs since 10 million Fridays ago that she is a mess.

(Source: @crackiecentral via Mattchew03 via Buzzfeed)

In Vanity Fair's expose on Scientology and Tommy Girl's beard catching adventures, Maureen Orth wrote this about Lindsay Lohan:

“Lindsay met with Tom before he met Katie. At first, she was super excited to work with Tom and thought it was about a role in Mission Impossible. It soon became clear that he wasn’t looking for an actress but something very different.”

Last night, LiLo ran out of rolling papers and there wasn't a Bible in her room at the Motel 6, so she used the pages from Vanity Fair's new issue to roll a joint and that's when she saw her name. LiLo immediately got on Twitter to tell Tommy Girl and Scientology that she had nothing to do with VF's story. And when LiLo denies she's involved in something, that means she's totally involved. So we all have LiLo, Adderall and the empty bottles of Jack around her to thank for trying to bring down Xenu.

But really, imagine Tommy and LiLo together? Every Bridge Queen (or whatever they call themselves) at Scientology would have to go against their insane beliefs and turn to anti-depressants and crack to deal with her crazy ass. LiLo's constant whining would've made Tommy punch himself in the head so much that he would've socked the crazy right out of his brains. What a world it would've been.

UPDATE: RumorFix lied to me! Lindsay Lohan's name isn't even in Vanity Fair's story. That quote came from a story HuffPo did on Vanity Fair's story. I would've read the entire story, but I used the pages to roll a joint.

And Blohan should turn all her delusions into a comedy act, because this shit is gold.

via Rumor Fix 

It's an old lez as Old Liz! Thanks to a luscious nest of black polyester hair and a whole lot of prosthetics to make the weathered and meth-damaged leather mask she calls a face look younger, Lindsay Lohan actually looks glamorous as a 1980s era Elizabeth Taylor. Lifetime released a few more stills from Liz & Dick (or as future historians will call it, the biggest disaster of 2012) and the make-up team should go ahead and collect their Emmy now for making a haggard mess look like a glamorous blossom from the 1980s. Yes, LiLo looks like Larry Fortensky in La Liz drag, but she's still never looked hotter. Bitch actually looks younger.

In other LiLo news, the owner of the trailer Elizabeth Taylor used while filming Cleopatra tells CNN that she is not happy with the producers of Liz & Dick, because when she lent it to them, it was in pristine condition and it came back to her looking like a freckled tornado of crack smoke hit it hard. Angel Alger spent $58,000, her entire life savings, to buy the trailer in June. Two days after she bought it, she let the producers of Liz & Dick borrow it for a week. The producers wanted to use it, because it's where Elizabeth and Richard Burton humped on each other between shooting scenes for Cleopatra.

When Angel got the trailer back, it looked like the inside of LiLo's nostrils: cracked, burned and jacked up. There were cigarette burns everywhere, dishes were cracked and even a rocking chair was missing. Angel estimates that the damage totals around $100,000. An insurance type from the studio met with Angel and toured the trailer earlier this month, but so far they haven't compensated her at all.

You'll never guess whose name burped out of Angel's mouth when CNN asked her who she thinks trashed her trailer:

"Only a psychotic and rebellious person or people would steal irreplaceable museum belongings and leave it in this vandalized condition."

In other words: You know who. Blow out a coke booger if you need a clue. Angel thinks it's LiLo, because DUH, and also because an employee from the studio told her that LiLo and her friends had access to it after shooting each night. But LiLo's rep, who earns credits toward getting his PhD in lie-telling with each statement he releases, denies it was her.  

Hopefully, Angel gets some money out of this (she won't), but in the meantime, if she needs to calm her tattered nerves, she should just walk into the trailer, hold down one of her nostrils and snort real deep, because I'm sure there's a huge cloud of coke dust in there.

And here's more stills from Liz & Dick including one with Richard Burton (played by Grant Bowler) and one of LiLo as Kleptopatra.

Lindsay Lohan shouldn't even be trusted for one hour in a Super 8 motel room in Barstow, but for some reason, The Chateau Marmont let her stay with them for 47 days this summer and they didn't make her pay upfront in cash that comes up clean when they mark each bill with that yellow pen (Side whisper: I HATE that yellow pen). Every crackhouse in South Central boards up their windows when they see LiLo pulling up front in her Porsche, but Chateau Marmont still took that freckled mess of stupid in and she still screwed them over.

While filming the future AFI basic cable movie of the century Liz & Dick, LiLo laid her favorite coke snortin' mirror (the one that's got "There's No Place Like Home" etched into it) on the coffee table in a suite at The Chateau and she stayed there during June and July. Because LiLo can't ruin her reputation as a thieving mooch, she never put one penny toward her ever-growing bill and the Chateau eventually kicked her coke-dusted ass out on August 1st. They have banned her for life and the general manager sent her a letter asking her to pay for the $46k bill she racked up. Before you say that sending Blohan that letter was a waste of paper, I'm sure she rolled that letter up and smoked weed cut with bath salts out of it, so it wasn't a complete waste.

TMZ got a hold of the letter and bill, and it says that LiLo spent $3,145.07 on the minibar, $686 on 49 packs of cigarettes, $100 on a candle and $1,992.07 for one dinner at the restaurant on July 4th. The GM says that LiLo borrowed one of the hotel's computers, but he's willing to wave the $75 a day charge if she returns it. LiLo would totally turn in that laptop if she could, but it's kind of impossible since she already gave it to her dealer for an 8-ball.

Also, I looked hard on the bill for a charge for daily Hazmat cleaning services and for a charge to replace all the toilets in her suite, but I didn't see either of those. The Chateau probably waved those charges too.

I can't wait for White Oprah to cry that they were told The Chateau is a free halfway house for wayward celebrity crackheads and now they're just using her daughter's famous A-list name to get some publicity. But whatever, I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding and Blohan will eventually pay off the bill with a bag of Rolexes and a truck full of DVD players with the serial numbers scratched out.