Just like every part of Lindsay Lohan's life, her latest smack down saga just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Tiffany Mitchell, the chick who had to get a tetanus shot after Lindsay Lohan knuckled her in the face, tells TMZ that they didn't fight over Max from The Wanted, they fought over a psychic reading and a slur. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story was going to give me an opportunity to make a God Warrior reference. SLYCICS!
Tiffany is supposedly a "prominent" palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida. I should've known that sooner or later this wreck of a story would feature a cameo appearance by Florida. Tiffany says that when she saw Lindsay Lohan at Avenue early this morning, she instantly had a premonition. Tiffany's premonition must've been that she was going to get a whole lot of media attention and free publicity after getting punched by a Lohan. Tiffany asked LiLo if she could give her a free physic reading and LiLo shouted at her, "Give me my space." As Tiffany and her friend walked away, her friend heard LiLo call her a "fucking Gypsy." The friend came at LiLo, called her a "whore" and said "Liz & Dick sucked." LiLo went crazy and punched Tiffany in the face. Don't you hate when your friend starts some shit and you're the one who gets punched in the face?
Tiffany's husband, who wasn't at the club, says that "Gypsy" is a racial slur and that LiLo is only mad, because her career is the equivalent of a soggy hairball stuck in a drain pipe:
"We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion ... it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."
Tiffany's husband also tells ABC News that they can't even leave the house, because his wife's cheek is really swollen.
So, some crazy psychic offered a free reading to a drunk LiLo (FYI: Her lawyer says she was sober. HAHAHAHAH.), LiLo turned it down, LiLo called her a "Gypsy," the friend called LiLo a "whore," LiLo threw a punch at the psychic and the psychic didn't duck even though she's a psychic and should've known a punch was coming?
LiLo is a crazy bitch, but the psychic is crazier for going up to a coked-up human train wreck in a club. That is not very professional. Miss Cleo would never.
And if you needed a quick laugh, here's White Oprah's official statement:
"At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter's circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family's bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude."
And here's a priceless video of LiLo kicking her assistant out of the SUV after he bailed her out of jail:
And after reading about LiLo all day, I feel like I've just been punched in the face. I need to stick my face in the ice cube bin in my freezer.
TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.
UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany's purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would've stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she's trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.
Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the "cunt" when she's high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn't let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.
And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn't One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo's drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn't exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn't LiLo or Tiffany.
This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin' over some dick that she's never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don't even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would've asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven't even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.
Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that's 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!
Here's Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.
UPDATE: That's not a picture of the woman who got smacked down by LiLo. That's the woman's friend who either smeared bronzer on her cheek to make it look like a bruise or is just extremely heavy with the rouge.
White Oprah better make room on her wall of family achievements, because here comes another mug shot of beauty from her daughter!
Because it's been much too long since Lindsay Lohan has been in handcuffs and she missed posing for the mug shot camera, bitch got arrested in NYC early this morning for punching a woman in the face at a club. If it's morning time for you, then you can skip your morning cup of liquid caffeine by going to TMZ to get your buzz from watching the video of her perp walk. If it's afternoon or night times for you, you can still get higher from listening to her scream out to the cops, "Oh my God! Are you kidding me?" Oh, LiLo, that's what we all said on Sunday night are Liz & Dick.
The latest chapter in LiLo's never-ending Party Heat episode of a life started when she and the woman above got into some kind of argument at Avenue in NYC. The woman was sitting in the booth next to Lindsay's and nobody knows what they were fighting about, but at one point Blohan said, "Give me some space!" TMZ's source says that the two stopped fighting, but a little while later LiLo punched the woman in the face for whatever reason. Somewhere up in heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is screaming at God, "Youdammit! I told you to use your powers to make that lady punch LiLo in the face for fucking me over. Not the other way around!"
The cops were called, but by the time they showed up, LiLo was already making her getaway in a car. The cops eventually found the car LiLo was in and arrested her ass. She was booked for third degree misdemeanor assault and released a few hours later.
In LiLo's defense (and bitch is totally going to use this in court as her defense), she was at Justin Bieber's concert earlier in the night and listening to that baby yodel will make anyone want to randomly punch a trick.
Because of the way Twitter was blowing up last night over the Super Bowl of Suck that was Liz & Dick, I really thought it would be the highest rated basic cable event in the history of basic cable, but it wasn't. 3.5 million pairs of eyeballs all rolled in unison while watching Lindsay Lohan play dress up in front of a green screen.
According to Deadline, 3.5 million isn't a number White Oprah should brag about to her back alley pharmacists when she tries to buy illegal Adderall tonight. Liz & Dick wasn't a total flop, but it wasn't a hit either. 6.5 million people watched Lifetime's Steel Magnolias remake and 5 million people watched Drew Peterson: Untouchable starring Rob Lowe. Lifetime is still bragging by saying Liz & Dick is the fourth biggest first-run cable movie of the year, because that is obviously something to brag about.
In related news, the Department of Health reported a record 3.5 million people were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last night. It was also reported that there was a record low of births last night, because who in all that is good wants their baby born on the same day as the Liz & Dick premiere? But whatever, I'm sure Lifetime will greenlight a sequel called Liz & Larry and I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will play both Liz AND Larry. Eat it, haters.
(GIF via E!)
In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child's Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad's new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done.
Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she's contributed to the world, because she's coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel.
No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor's #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo's character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad's storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo's character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I'm saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house.
And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it:
up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5 back in September, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan bonded the way all drunk messes bond while taking turns snorting a bump out of a call girl's b-hole. TMZ says that between filming, LiLo and Charlie hung out and she told him all of her problems including her problems with the IRS. LiLo owes the IRS almost $234k for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010. Since Charlie always has his Captain Save-A-Crack-Ho hat on, he offered to pay off LiLo's tax debt, but she refused. Future civilizations will refer to "LiLo turning down money" as the final sign of the Rapture.
You'd think that the dented metal memory cabinet in Charlie Sheen's head is filled with nothing but crack smoke, but apparently it isn't. Charlie remembered LiLo's problems with the IRS and last week he sent her business manager a charitable gift in the form of a $100,000 check. This time LiLo accepted his gift and used it to pay almost half of her IRS bill. Some source says that Charlie did it out of the goodness of his crack damaged heart and wants nothing in return. Uh huh.
TMZ also says that LiLo is going to make $2 million this year and who knows if any of that money went to the IRS. But why should LiLo send her money to the IRS when she can send Charlie's instead? Obviously, Charlie didn't give LiLo that money for free and now every time he comes calling, she's gotta slurp on his perma-soft coke peen and slurping on his perma-soft coke peen is probably as boring as deep throating an overcooked fettuccine noodle. But she's done a lot worse for $100,000 (see: I Know Who Killed Me) and she can write off all the mind numbing substances she has to snort to get through an intimate moment with Charlie.
No, this is not a picture of international supermodel Phoebe Price declaring war on Gotham City after falling in a vat of toxic waste. This is freckled coke booger Lindsay Lohan flexing her 8-ball cheeks at the Hollywood premiere of the comedy event of the year Liz & Dick. Yes, they have premieres for Lifetime shit shows and no, the premiere wasn't held at a $3 movie theater in Simi Valley, CA and the after-party wasn't held in the back room of a discount strip club that's known for its world-class potato bar. The Liz & Dick premiere was held at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Bitch is moving up!
Wearing a stole made from the living room carpet at her favorite local crack house and a Windsor Fashions gown the slutty girl in your high school (aka you) wore to prom in the mid-90s, the Meryl Streep of basic cable posed for something other than a mug shot for once. Leave it to LiLo to teach us that no $8.99 stripper dress from the Flirt Catalog can be labeled as a work of elegance unless it has a whory hole cutout for your belly button. You can hiss at LiLo's nails all you want, but "dirty crack pipe water" will be the nail polish shade of the season. Looking like the trophy girl at the AVNs is the look.
And since no LiLo post is complete without a delusional cherry on top, here's this priceless gem:
"Elizabeth was drunk on sets. I've never been drunk on set, ever. I did my time and I respect the law."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As RuPaul would say, "That's funny! Tell another one!"
And here I go again writing "And Here We Go Again" for a headline, because it feels like we're always going again with this bitch.
The Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is supposed to hit the darling of the California justice system, Lindsay Lohan, with a criminal charge of telling lies to the police, because she denied driving the Porsche that butt fucked an 18-wheeler hard on PCH. LiLo told police she was only a passenger, but a bunch of witnesses say she was the one behind the wheel. Charges will be filed any second now and as soon as they are, TMZ says that her probation will be yanked away and she could be escorted to the nearest jail cell.
Judge Stephanie, who put LiLo on probation in the stolen necklace case, won't be involved in this next messy chapter and the probation case has been handed to a new judge. Judge Jane Godfrey is expected to revoke LiLo's probation and everybody including LiLo's dumb ass will be dragged back into court for another hearing.
Lying to the cops while you're on probation is a dumb bitch movie, but Lindsay Lohan has perfected and trademarked the art of the dumb bitch move. We shouldn't be surprised, and once again the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is wasting everyone's time. Nothing's going to happen to LiLo and in fact, she's going to sue them for robbing thousands of dollars of coke from her nose. Because as soon as they charge her with criminal lie-telling, she's going to laugh so hard that all the coke she snorted up that morning is going to blow out of her nostrils and mouth. The Judge will sentence everyone in the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office to jail and force them to replace LiLo's lost coke. And that's how this is going to end.
LiLo: 2 new 8-balls
The CA Justice System: ZERO!
If you had Good Morning America on mute while getting ready for work today, you probably thought that Amy Robach was interviewing some 60-something Boca Raton socialite about the dangers of injecting insulation foam directly into your face. That wasn't a 60-something Boca Raton socialite, it was Lindsay Lohan who was on GMA to piss Barbara Walters off yet again.
LiLo was also on GMA to whore out the post-Thanksgiving turkey that is Liz & Dick and she talked about how she got the role. Surprisingly (served between two layers of lukewarm sarcasm), the producers didn't go to LiLo first. LiLo went to them. Specifically, she called them all the time, hid in the bushes outside of their houses, followed their children to school and crawled into their beds at night until they finally gave in, screamed MERCY and threw the role at the bitch. The skills she learned from stalking SamRo paid off and it got her a job.
Then Amy Robach brought up LiLo's half-sister and ho tried to act like it was the first time she heard about this:
"I didn't even hear that, so thanks for the news. I don't pay attention to any of it. I don't want to get into that. I want to stay on the positive side of things."
Please, when Lindsay Lohan isn't crank calling (meaning she does crank before calling) her rival Barbara Walters, she's Googling herself. So of course this ho knew about having a half-sister, but it's best to play dumb.
When you almost hit a baby in a stroller with your Porsche, pretend like you didn't see it and you don't even know what a baby looks like. When a cop finds a hot necklace in your purse, pretend that it's not your purse and you'll have to look up the word "stolen" in the dictionary, because you don't even know what that means. When Amy Robach asks you about your half-sister, pretend you don't know what she's talking about. The Lohan family oath states that you must always share your stash with a blood relative, but if you don't admit to having a half-sister, then technically you don't have to share your 8-ball with her.
And there's today's lesson from LiLo!
Barbara Walters' arch rival Lindsay Lohan is continuing to pimp out Liz & Dick and last night she did so (sort of) on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Proving that she's way more tolerable when she doesn't speak, LiLo performed in Jimmy's "Let Us Play With Your Look" skit while looking like Janine from Ghostbusters after moving to the Village of the Damned. LiLo really has come a long way, because I can't believe she's got that much white stuff on her hands and she's not trying to snort, smoke or lick it. Bitch is practically brand new.
Speaking of brand new, I need brand new ear drums after mine got hit and over and over again with the high-pitched shaky musical notes shooting out of Jimmy Fallon's yodel hole. Jimmy is attacking my ears and he's stealing Peter Pan Dude's signature look while doing so. This entire skit is what scientists see when they look at two of LiLo's corroded coke boogers under a microscope.
In other Blohan news, Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Liz & Dick, talked to reporters about what it was like to work with the freckled terror of Hollywood.
"We had serious challenges to deal with due to her probation and her history. Therefore we had to make a deal where there were pages and pages of ‘what if' clauses. There never was a ‘what if she can act' clause. It was about, ‘What if there is a car accident? What if there is a violation of her probation [and she's] incarcerated?' Those ‘what ifs' were plenty. She might be the most insured actress who ever walked on a soundstage. We tried to insure ourselves against things that could and, in fact, did happen. I was financially at risk myself. It was a challenge.
Overall, my gosh, relative to the performance we got and the movie we were able to make because of her, the pain was worth the pleasure. And the audience is going to benefit from the risk we took and the reward that was gained. I know there are a lot of people out there who are naysayers. And I think they're gonna be shocked—and people who have believed in her, their belief is gonna be vindicated."
Yeah, I'm pretty Larry Thompson just came out as a kinky sadomasochist of the sickest kind.