Love Child

Four years ago, Kristi Horn told InTouch Weekly that human turd Michael Lohan raw dog dicked a baby into her and on tonight's episode of The Trish Goddard Show, her 17-year-old daughter Ashley Kaufmann learns the awful truth. She's half Lohan. I don't know what's worse: the fact that another poor child has to write Michael Lohan's name down next to "father" on government forms or the fact that Maury Povich wasn't the one who gave the tragic news. If Maury doesn't tell you that you ARE the father, are you really the father? Some shit to ponder.

TMZ posted the moment where Ashley finds out that her biological father is a piece of trash who looks like a shit log coming out of a turtle's ass. Right after the news is announced, Kristi Horn does what she did ten seconds after she let Michael Lohan do her bareback style: she weeped! Michael tries to give Ashley a fake hug, which makes her scream "NO! NO! NO!" before giving in.

Ashley is Michael's fifth kid and he's got a sixth one on the way.

Poor girl. She isn't going to get one cent from Michael Lohan and her mother just had to tell the world that she's a Lohan.

I think I'd rather have permanent hemorrhoids than have Michael Lohan as a father, because at least hemorrhoids won't call you up in the middle of the night and beg you for rent money.

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold's son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph's biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

"It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, "Get off your knees, trollop! I ain't my husband."

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he's part Schwarzenegger and said it was "cool" when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it's just bitch's checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the "love and respect" part, I'm beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn't take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: "I'll be bareback!" Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.

Radar's sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena's Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You're Down Low Fucking You're Boss!

During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.

Mildred's MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted "GET TO THE CHOPPAH!", I'd definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.

I'm sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won't do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I've eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin's backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she'd go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It's like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.