Madonna

Madge's hydrangea horror made it all the way to CNN, bumping famine in Somalia and a plane crash in Russia from the top spot, and so her spokeswhore finally squirted out a response. Instead of just letting out a canned response like "She's sorry for hurting her fan's feelings and that hydrangea was donated to a dying child who loves hydrangeas but she's still praying for a hydrangeacaust in the near future...fart...burp...etc...," her rep apologized to the hydrangea.

"She's entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn't want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."

Hydrangeas already loathe Madge since her face reminds them of the hairless albino woodchucks that decapitate them at the stem, but it was nice of her rep to think of their feelings. It was also nice of her rep to not apologize to the fan who probably spent his last coin on buying that hydrangea for his favorite vampire in the world and is now surviving only on canal water and pigeon nails (true story). But I'm totally missing the point here.

Madge's rep's sarcastic bitchified response to her shady asshole move earned her 1000 extra cunt points, which moves her right under Kunty Karl in my Evil Cunts I Love list.

Madge has already burned the petals off of a Hydrangea with her manufactured British accent and her claws which she sharpens on the crotch bones of impoverished third world orphans, and now she's using her tongue to subtlety stab at Lady Caca's tuck. During an interview with the French site LeSoir (via Radar) for Madge's piece of shit movie W.E. (stands for WHAT EVER), the interviewer said some shit about how that cinematic dingle is seen through the eyes of some young chick admiring some other chick from the past. The interview then said that many hos admire Madge including Lady Kinko's. With the terrifying image of a HYDRANGEA still causing nightmares in her brain, Madge turned Lady Caca into Caca Brulee by singeing that copy cat ho with this quote:

In French: De mes fans ? Disons que ce qui m’intéresse avec le regard de Wally, c’est d’arriver à percer la vérité sur Wallis Simpson. Et s’apercevoir que rien n’est jamais tout blanc ou tout noir. Vrai ou faux. La vie est de couleur grise. Et on ne peut enfermer personne dans une case. Quant à Lady Gaga, je n’ai pas de commentaire à faire sur ses obsessions ayant trait à moi, parce que je ne sais pas si ça repose sur quelque chose de profond ou de superficiel.

In English courtesy of the accurate translation program known as Google: Of my fans? Say what interests me with the eyes of Wally, is to arrive at the truth about drilling Wallis Simpson. And realize that nothing is all white or all black. True or False. Life is gray. And you can not lock someone in a box. As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on his obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial.

YES!!!!! If this was an episode of Survivor, Jeff Probst would put out Lady Caca's torch after saying, "The cunt has spoken!"

Yes, this quote could've been completely mangled the same way a boy toy's nutsack gets mangled when Madge's snatch serpent bites at it, but I'm going to believe it to be true. Why? Because above everything, Madge is a BITCH with a capital everything. Even if she didn't say it out loud, I'm sure that quote was in her head, right next to a mental note that she needs to Skype her dark lord Satan to ask him to destroy that hydrangea giver for her.

More of this, Madge! More of this. Less movie making, less crotch thrusting and more cunting!

Seen here saying with her eyes "BABY BRAHIM! My face nerves got stuck again! Fetch the heat wand and start cooing out that 'unfreeze chant' I taught you!" at the premiere of her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival last night, Madge wore a dress with some butterfly shit on it that matches the butterfly decals over her boy toy's crib in the nursery alcove next to her master dungeon suite. So maternal, that Madge.

Yesterday, I got into how Madge's face looks like a par-baked chicken pot pie, so today I'll just praise our patron saint of baby snatching for the latest wet dingle she's added to one of the hairs on cinema's asshole. After reading the rest of the reviews for Madge's feature film directorial debut, it's official: that shit sucks. You can always count on Madge to throw a piece of shit on the face of cinema decade after decade. In the 80s, she gave us Shanghai Surprise! In the 90s, she gave us Body of Evidence! In the 2000s, she gave us Swept Away! And now she's giving us W.E.! I hope Madge continues to believe that she and movies go together like Lady Caca and her career. The Razzies depend on her.

And during a press conference for Madge's movie about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, she said this about Wallis Simpson:

"I identified with her in that I think it's very common when people become celebrities or public figures or icons that we are often reduced to a soundbite and that you're given a few attributes and then you're not allowed to have anything more than that."

Wasn't Wallis Simpson one of Hitler's homegirls? And Madge identifies with her? Madge is definitely threatening Mel Gibson with a good time. If Madge has got a Kabbalah bracelet cover, then Mel Gibson's got time and a jacuzzi. Mad Mel will even lift his nuts and paint them Brazilian baby brown so Madge feels more at home.

As Madge's toy Baby Brahim searched the land for the missing shard of a magical crystal to sacrifice to the dark chamber inside her crotch so his soul can be released, his master made the flesh of Italian virgins shiver when she stepped out onto the red carpet at the photo call for her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival today. Sure, I can use this space to talk about the reviews so far (Basically, the critics say it's like a 10" peen that can't get hard. Pretty to look at but not worth fucking with.), but let's talk about more important things: LIKE MADGE'S FACE!

Sometimes Madge's face looks like a plate of baby butt cheeks sloppily wrapped in a sheet of overstretched wonton dough and other times it looks like it's starting to settle and has pores that breathe in oxygen with the rest of us. It's somewhere in between here.

I mean, if she opened her mouth I wouldn't expect to hear Jim Henson's voice, but then again I wouldn't put her face in the organic section of the grocery store. However, Madge's eyebrows win all the points. If you put them together, they'd look like a flying bird trying to turn right so that's a nice natural touch. I love it when hos pay homage to wildlife with their brows.

And I also love that Madge wore her best SERIOUS MOVIE DIRECTOR ENSEMBLE. Ho, that outfit is not going to make us forget that you're partly responsible for fucking Shanghai Surprise! NEVER FORGET. Besides, that outfit makes her look like the receptionist at a Catholic School who really wants to be a nun but just can't let go of the dick.

The sea creatures of the South of France got a taste of piss from one of Madge's babies yesterday when they just couldn't hold it and had to make a pee in the Mediterranean Sea (SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't Rocco, Mercy, Lourdes or David). At least I think Baby Brahim is trying to pinch his pee pee hole in that picture above. Or maybe he's checking to make sure that Madge's vadge only swallowed one huevo during the youth sucking ceremony from the night before. Probably the latter.

Madge took her entire family of BABIES!!! to Eden Roc yesterday and watched as they frolicked in the sea in their bathing suits while she was pretty much covered from the neck down. You can laugh all you want at how Madge is covering up her carcass the same way a fat kid covers up his titties during P.E. pool hour, but she is a damn genius.

You didn't think a vampire cougar could openly laugh at the sun like that. That vampire cougar don't care. The hardened mask of creamed fetuses over her face and that weird bathing outfit is making the sun her bitch. Try her, Antonia Gavilán de Logroño! Try her! I swear, Vampire Beehl could learn a thing or twenty from this bitch.

Here's the African Baby Snatcher of England struttin' her 53-year-old ass through Heathrow with her crew of bought, birthed and leased BABIES!!! on the morning of her born day.

In case you couldn't tell from the dude in plaid throwing a "please tell me you're not smiling a stupid smile because you just made a caca in your Underoos and I'm going to have to clean it up using a Baby Wipe from this case I'm carrying" side-eye at the taller child, Baby Brahim is the one in the head scarf.

And Mercy's the child whose eyes are telling us that her nostrils just sucked in a whole of dirty ass air and she knows she's going to have to spend the rest of her day potty retraining that "can't hold it" bitch.

Anyone that has had kids possibly knows of the joy of getting rid of a kid's pacifier... there's not a more perfect parent in the world that knows this to be TRUE FACTS more than VADGE!!!

VADGE is stiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll sucking on the pacifier known as Baby Brahim (aka Jello Pudding's new pedo-pop) despite prior reports of her dropping him off at the orphanage.

I've seen people try many a trick to discourage the pacifier ISSUE!!! However, VADGE knows how to mother the young of tomorrow and is only doing this for the GOOD OF HUMANITY!!!

My hat's off to VADGE, but more importantly to Kid-N-Stay for sticking out having to watch her beef jerky ass do hours of weight lifting, NOT 14 HOURS LIKE HEIDI, DON'T BE IRRATIONAL!

My first thought about this picture: DAMN! Madge must be snatching her boy toys straight out of the womb nowadays, because that one looks like his skin still smells like placenta and pussy blood.

My first thought after reading the true description of these pictures taken at Heathrow today: DAMN! That's little David Banda?! The same little toddler that Madge flew to Africa for and threatened the locals that if they didn't hand him over she'd eat their souls with her pores and they'd spend eternity trapped in her silicone chipmunk cheeks. That David Banda? Okay, he doesn't smell like placenta anymore. He smells like the Hulk shit Madge puts in the Vita Coco water that she feeds him, because both David and Rocco are growing at record speeds. They are obviously growing too fast while all of us are not getting old at all and not plucking hairs off the top of our ears this morning in front of our bathroom mirrors. Not at all. It's them! Not us!

Here's Brit Brit's cover of Madge's "Burning Up" which she will lazily move her lips and throw around limp jazz hands to during her Femme Fatale world tour. I'm biased since "Burning Up" is my #1 favorite Madge song , but this shit is a pounding in my ear that needs to die.

If Brit Brit and her producer wanted her to sound like a toddler on helium screeching for help while trapped on Space Mountain, then mission accomplished!

The only cover of a Madonna song by a robot chipmunk voice I need in my life is this one:

Lady Caca now has some real genealogical evidence she can shove up the assholes of the hating haters (including yours truly) who say that she's what you'd find if you followed a Chinatown conman into a dilapidated 5th floor walk-up apartment after he whispered in your that he's got a genuine Madonna to sell to you. Being Madonna-like is in Caca's blood!

Well, it's more like if you took the tiniest drop of Madge's blood, added 10 parts water, 20 parts blood of a hundred others, a liquified library card, the eye booger of Marilyn Manson and the saliva of a Freddie Mercury impersonator. Then you'd have the shit that is flowing through Caca's veins. Because celebrity genealogist Chris Child tells the Boston Globe that Lady Gaga and Madge sit on the same family tree, but their branches are miles apart. Chris says that Caca and Madge are 9th cousins once removed.

Chris started researching Caca's French Canadian side of the family and discovered that she and Madge are related through a farming couple who lived in Quebec in the 1600s. From the Boston Globe:

“They are ninth cousins once removed,’’ Child said with a sly grin.

He presented a handwritten piece of paper, which traced the relations of Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone and Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta back to a French immigrant farming couple who came to Quebec in the 1600s. Born this way, indeed.

“When I saw that Lady Gaga had French Canadian ancestry I thought there might be something there,’’ said Child, who started working at the Newbury Street institution as a 16-year-old intern in 1997.

Saying their ninth cousins twice removed is just a fancy way of saying that they are about as related as my b-hole is to Anderson Cooper's lips. Since I put it that way, this is probably the reason why Mah Boo never returns all the frantic voicemails I leave for him on the CNN tip line at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday. Mah Boo is probably my thirtieth cousin thrice removed from the unicorn anus and he really doesn't want to get involved in any incest shit. This won't stop me from licking the screen every time he giggles, but it will give me an explanation to tell my cousins when they ask me why I always save a spot for Mah Boo at the family Christmas table.

And here's Madge's ninth cousin taking fuckery by the horns while leaving her hotel in London last night. It looks like tiny Michael Jackson legs are sprouting out of her damn head.