Mama June

Earlier when I wrote about Sugar Bear and Mama June's Cinco de Mayonnaise wedding, I said that she would make the most beautimous bride the world has ever seen and she would redefine bridal elegance. I wasn't telling any lies. Looking like she's ready to hide in the forest and tackle an unsuspecting wild hog, Mama June walked down the aisle in her backyard today wearing a gorgeous gown custom made by Cabela's hunting store and bedazzled sneakers. Even Mama June's stack of pancakes chins look like they're glowing. She must've moisturized them with melted Country Crock. It's her beauty secret.

Mama June married her piece of 9 years Sugar Bear in front of TLC's cameras, the paparazzi and their friends and family in George today. Honey Boo Boo, Chickadee, Chubbs and Pumpkin were all in the wedding party, which looked like Halloween hitting candies wrapped in camouflage out of a piñata.

This is a redneck dream wedding and you can practically see the hillbilly angels blessing this beloved event with holy moonshine. I'll be disappointed if Mama June and Sugar Bear's guests didn't throw uncooked grits at them and I'll be really disappointed if they didn't skip the first dance and wrestle a possum together instead.

The makers of Mountain Dew fountains, flute-shaped Red Solo cups and pork rind-flavored edible garter belts were all out of jobs when Brit Brit canceled her wedding to Jason Trainwreck, but happy days are here again, because Mama June has come to the rescue!

TMZ says America's answer to Kate Middleton, Mama June, will marry her man Sugar Bear today in front of TLC's cameras. Guests were told to leave their cell phones and video cameras at home and the workers were told to do themselves up in their best redneck ensemble.

Sugar Bear and Mama June first met in an online chat room (I'm guessing the butter lovers room) 9 years ago and out came Honey Boo Boo a couple of years later.

Mama June's something old will be the cheese ball necklace passed down from generation to generation. Her something new will be the fresh fart she'll bust out at the altar during their I dos. Her something borrowed will be Glitzy's tiara. And her something blue will be her Forklift Foot when it really loses its circulation after she shoves it into a bridal heel. What I'm saying is that Mama June is going to be the most beautimous bride of the year (sorry, Kee-ERA!) And we'll all swoon out of our chonies when Sugar Bear kisses his new bride's luscious layer of chins, because he's too short to reach her mouth.

Fill your flute-shaped Red Solo cup with sketti sauce and let's toast to Mama June and Sugar Bear!

All the rhinestone belly rings that are collecting dust on the back wall of Claire's are about to be snatched up, because everyone will bedazzle their stomach knobs like it's 2001 after seeing style icon Brit Brit wearing one. If your belly button doesn't look like it's barfing up rhinestones, then you're doing "beach time glamour" wrong. With a weave that came from the sea sitting on top of her head and a cigarette in her hand, Brit Brit lounged on the balcony of a house in Malibu over the weekend. Who knew that USA Gold cigarettes, Diet RC Cola, Frapps and fried chicken grease did a body good?

You know, if you replaced that cig with an exotic berry Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler, covered her in Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil and put her on an ALF towel, you'd have everybody's mom circa 1989.

And since we're on the subject of refined southern belles, here's America's other favorite beauty queen of the south Mama June drinking America's holy water in Georgia over the weekend.

A chorus of squishy sounds was heard at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night when the beautimous Mama June strolled in and made everyone make sketti sauce in their panties. While showing us what it would look like if Kate Hudson was in Shallow Hal, Honey Boo Boo's maker puckered for the cameras and gave everyone some Like My Body realness. Mama June could've really come out for GLAAD by painting each one of her chins a different color of the rainbow, but she still put other hos to shame.

And those other hos were: Rickie from My-So-Called Life, Snooki, JWoww (looking like eighth runner-up for Miss Plastic Surgery Puerto Rico 1991), Milla Jovovich, Fallen Countess LuAnn with her French piece Davide Schwimmaire, the ageless Bernadette Peters, Sam Champion with his husband, John Leguizamo with his wife, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker with his wife, Wonk-Eyed Vinny with his piece, Mo Rocca and Carmen Carrera.

I know you're probably wondering why I would put a picture of America's sweet tart Mama June (on the left) next to a picture of Anna Nicole Smith in 1994. But believe it or not, that's not a 1994 Anna Nicole Smith on the right, that's the OTHER southern bombshell who makes grown men squirt buttermilk from their nipples. It's the honey to my boo boo Mama June!

My favorite Georgia peach tells TMZ that in 2 years she's lost a total of 102 pounds, or approximately 11 and a half Glitzies. Mama June says that when they started filming the important American documentary Here Comes Honey Boo Boo back in 2011, the number 365 would look back at her when she stepped on the scale. But now she weighs 263 pounds. Mama June didn't lose two Olsens from cutting back on sketti sauce or stepping onto a treadmill, she lost the weight from just running around. Mama June said, "I haven't done any surgeries ... no diet pills ... never went to the gym. but with the show I've been more active. They have me running around and going different places ... I guess it's paying off."

Who cares that the Post Office isn't delivering on Saturdays anymore! I don't really give a shit that my favorite anti-gay crazy bitch Megan Phelps has quit the pot of boiling hell known as the Westboro Baptist Church! The real American news today is that Mama June is slimming down and getting bikini ready for summer.

If the chunk keeps dripping off of Mama June's beautimous body the same way drool drips out of Honey Boo Boo Chile's mouth when she thinks of canned cranberries, she'll eventually lose her super stack of Pringles chin. I will miss Mama June's Buche de Noel chin, but at least she'll still have her Forklift Foot. Wait, when you lose weight, do your feet get skinnier? Because if they do, what are the gnats going to feed on?!

On last night's very special Halloween episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Mama June made Sugar Bear squirt out gallons of panty honey (or maybe, panty marannaise) when she dressed up like Marilyn the Hutt. The 7 year itch has been scratched. Where was a queefing subway vent when we really, really needed one?

via Too Fab 

Since TLC is basically just one long never-ending episode of Maury, one of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo "holladay" specials will feature Mama June facing her greatest fear, which surprisingly isn't vegetables that haven't been deep fried in cheese oil and covered in ranch dressing. The heaves crawl up Mama June's sketti sauce-covered froat when she thinks of MARANNAISE!

While working the hell out of her newly straightened bayootiful yallaw hayer-ah (yes, Tim Peeler would hit that while blowing his coyote horn), Mama June tells her tribe of adorable sugar-coated diabetes drops that her hate for mayonnaise was born when she was a kid because her babysitter only fed her mayo sandwiches. Mama June can easily swallow up bowls of macaroni (air kiss to Simply Sara) and coleslaw salad, but she can't make it herself and she has a hard time looking at mayo in its raw, delicious state. Mama June's mayo phobia is a little strange, because I'm sure if you cracked two raw eggs between her luscious triple decker chins and rubbed all her chins together, out would squirt the most delicious bacon cheddar marannaise you've ever tasted.

Mama June's talk about her mayo fears then leads to Chickfila and Snickerdoodle (or whatever their names are) fighting over whether or not vegamatarians eat marannaise. They're confusing vegans with vegamatarians, but let them argue, because the way they say mayonnaise takes me up, up and away.

And I cannot relate to Mama June's fear of mayo. My tongue is to mayo as gnats are to the sour cream crusties on Mama June's forklift foot. I love it. I can bathe in mayo, brush my teeth with mayo, moisturize my ass cheeks with mayo, wet my contact lenses with mayo and I can even use mayo as lube. So this is good news, because it means there's MORE MARANNAISE FOR ME! Because if Mama June loved marannaise as much as I do, there'd be a nationwide shortage and I'd have to deliver a screeching marannaise message on YouTube.

via UsWeekly

Dr. Drew is used to dealing with dozed off drunks who are trying to force themselves into a long coma to get away from having words with him, but he was unable to tame Honey Boo Boo Chile. Little Debbie's second cousin twice removed at the baked goods auction went on Dr. Drew's show with the ten buckets of fried fun that is Mama June and she wasn't having any of it. When Dr. Drew started asking her questions, Honey Boo Boo did what everybody should do when Dr. Drew starts asking you questions: PLAY DEAD! But eventually, Honey Boo Boo woke up and said that she hates being on TV and hates it when fans come up to her.

So let's see, Honey Boo Boo doesn't like interviews and hates her fans? The hillbilly Kristen Stewart has been found!

And I'm still waiting for Dr. Drew to issue a statement saying that Honey Boo Boo is obviously hooked on ludes and he'll be happy to help her on the new season of Celebrity Rehab coming to Vh1 next Spring!

via HuffPo

Our modern day Shirley Temple, Honey Boo Boo, is in Hollywoods to play the title role in the Anna Nicole Smith biopic for Lifetime (I WISH) and she's making all the stops on the stroll from Extra to Jimmy Kimmel. On Kimmel last night, Honey Boo Boo and our modern day Mae West, Mama June, got into some politics talk and Honey Boo Boo finally endorsed a candidate. An entire nation held its breath, because it didn't want to breathe in Mama June's extra chunky neck fungus fumes. No, we all held our breath waiting to hear who won an endorsement from America' sweet heart and she said:

MEROCK OHBAMAZ! 

So scratch Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and Roseanne's names off the ballot and write the name "Merock Ohbamaz" this November!

But seriously, cancel tonight's presidential knife fight and air reruns of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo instead, because this election is over now that Honey Boo Boo has spoken. Michelle Obama can order an inaugural ball wiglet from "Shhh, It's A Wig!", the inaugural ball chef can start making a batch of sketti sauce and Honey Boo Bo can start picking songs to sing during Michelle and Barack's first dance. It's done!

And on a different note, if you need to watch a pro-Ritalin PSA today, here's Honey Boo Boo freaking out like a meth head on Tourette's on KTLA yesterday morning:

Honey Boo Boo IS the hillbilly Little Chrissy.

Who do I need to talk to about making this picture the new Great Seal of the United States, because the image of a scooter-driving Mama June and a high heel-wearing Honey Boo Boo Chile leaving a Walmart in Alabama IS America at its most sophisticated.

America's answer to Rousseau, Honey Boo Boo Chile, once eloquently said, "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!", so she probably hasn't stopped hollerin' ever since TLC made it rain all over Mama June's Pillsbury value pack of chins. TMZ says that since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become the greatest thing to happen to American television since Footballers Wives started airing on BBC America, the network has tripled the family's salary. Mama June and her merry band of fart bags were making $5,000 to $7,000 an episode, but now they're getting anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 an episode. The stale food auction better watch out, because Mama June's got a stack of hundreds shoved into her chin cleavage and she's ready to buy ALL the day old cupcakes.

A source tells TMZ that money isn't changing Mama June, because she turned down TLC when they offered to get her a bigger, better and more secure house. Mama June doesn't want to move, because why would you leave a house that is right next door to a gas station that sells jars of cheese balls and Hot Fries all the time? That's like a dirty slut living next to a glory hole. It's like living at the end of a rainbow. Mama June also wants to stay, because she loves her neighborhood and loves bringing the holidays to their lives by splattering Christmas decorations all over her front yard.

The source also says that Mama June has tongue farted at offer after offer from agents who say they can make her even more money in appearances, because she doesn't want to be away from her family.

Thanks to Pimp Mama Kris pushing her child whores on the ho stroll every chance she gets, we sometimes forget that there's some mothers on reality TV who don't completely whore their kids out for a fast check. Thank Jaysus for this, because my soul would fart itself into a puddle of sadness if Mama June got too fancy. I don't ever want to see Mama June eating extra fancy Prego sauce instead of sketti sauce and I really don't want to see her foot gnats feeding on caviar instead of her toe gunk. That would be worse than the time Roseanne won the lottery. Never change, Mama June, never change.