Marisa Tomei

I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, "I sucked other men's cocks," in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.

At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor's Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn't believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!

Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.

That necklace just doesn't shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that's because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That's probably the real case.

I really need to take a brush-up course on Marisa Tomei's love life at the University of Phoenix online, because I'm so not up-to-date on the goings on of her vagina, so I had no idea that Logan Marshall-Green has been making regular, if not daily, visits to it for over 4 years. Marisa and Tom Hardy's junior clone have been dating on and off since 2008 and now they're totally on in a major way, because InTouch (via DM) says they are getting married. When Marisa's best friend Rosie Perez asked her why in the hell would she marry a dude who is 12 years younger than her and has a baboon heart (LMG does not have a baboon heart), she said, "I don't make sense, he don't make sense, together we make sense!" Yes, I've watched Untamed Heart way too many times.

Marisa and Logan haven't confirmed this yet, but a source says he gave her an engagement ring around the holiday times, because everybody gave everybody an engagement ring around the holiday times. That source said, “He popped the question over the holidays. She is very happy."

Congratulations to Marisa and the dude with a beaver tail for hair. Will somebody please get them another fucking bike, a two-seater bike or a front chair (like this one) as a wedding gift? Just look at these bitches trying to ride double. You're grown up actors! You're not Cirque du Soleil acrobats or middle schoolers during summer break. Leave the "2 hos, 1 bike" trick to the professionals.

And "Logan Marshall-Green" sounds like the fancy, full name for a green loogie. Green Loogie only goes by the name Green Loogie instead of Logan Marshall-Green, because it doesn't want people to know it came from a rich family. The next time you cough up a green loogie, say you coughed up a Logan Marshall-Green. It'll make you sound way more proper and refined.

At last night's TIFF premiere of The Ides of March, Stacy Keibler's temp job as George Clooney's piece of the moment officially started. I'm sure Stacy got a passing grade during her first day on the job review since she followed the two rules: try to look as hot as possible and swallow the word "marriage" if it ever tries to crawl up your throat and jump out of your mouth.

While wearing a 90s black velvet dress from the archive closet of Contempo Casuals, Stacy posed by herself on the stroll and kept her words to a minimum when hos asked about George. Like when People asked her what she liked about George, all she said was this:

"Everything!"

Good answer, bitch. The professional trainers in the Hos of George Clooney Division at the Manpower temp agency trained her well. But the Miss Cleo in all of us (and there is a Miss Cleo in all of us) knows how this is going to play out. Stacy is all smiley and quiet now, but it's only a matter of time before she starts to get bold and casually lets out the danger word that forces George's b-hole to push out the strap-on and snap for security to bring empty cardboard boxes for her shit. Then before she knows it, Stacy is standing in the hallway of The George Clooney Halfway House For Dumped Girlfriends waiting for Sarah Larson to hang up the payphone after she finds out if her manager at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone is going to give her another shift.

Milk that shit while you can, Stacy. It's obvious who George is really going to end up with. No, not Brad Pitt. I'm talking about this loyal homegirl right here:

Your mama is going to make George Clooney happier than anybody ever could!

Here's more from last night's Ides of March thing. In order: Stacy Keebler Elf, The Clooney, Ryan Gosling with his mama, Evan Rachel Wood (thinking she's Madonna at the end of the Open Your Heart video), Dave Matthews, Marisa Tomei and Kate Mara with Max Minghella.