Matt Damon

HBO finally released a full trailer for Liberace biopic "Behind the Candelabra" and I think it made me butt birth out a rhinestone-covered baby unicorn. In under two minutes, they gave us sequined vests, gallons of lip gloss, exquisitely applied eyeliner, bubbles, Matt Damon in a white Speedo, feathers, fur, a crystal-encrusted Rolls Royce chariot, gay drama and more wigs than a Knowles family reunion. If there was a close-up shot of a massage therapist's dick, it would look exactly like John Travolta's daily thought process.

And more importantly, the trailer gave us this:

When Rob Lowe puts on a middle-parted long wig he looks like a coked up Princess Stephanie in the middle of an orgasm and who knew looking at that would give me the puckers.

And The Sun never lies to us! How will we ever trust them again? Forget everything I said about how Stacy Keibler has retired from being George Clooney's award season escort and is on the lookout for another piece to turn into a silent arm accessory who will burn the word "marriage" from her vocabulary. George and Stacy proved that they're still together by holding hands while going to dinner with Matt Damon in Berlin last night.

George knows that nothing goes with his stache like a glowing beard. And Stacy has the same kind of glow every ho has when she finds out that her option was finally picked up again. Stacy will get to ride that stache again.

And Stacy went to the trouble of calling the paps to kill the break-up rumors with a hand-holding photo-op, and George couldn't put on a manufactured smile?! He's looking like Grumpy Cat and shit. So ungrateful.

Here's Michael Douglas and Matt Damon as Liberace and Liberace's young piece Scott Thorson on the cover of Entertaintment Weekly. My nipples are not secreting rhinestone water, so that tells me that Michael Douglas looks nothing like Liberace in this picture. This looks more like a butch Walter Mercado throwing a fur coat on a young Regis Philbin wax figure.

Michael and Matt play Liberace and Scott Thorson in Steven Sodbergh's Behind the Candelabra, which airs on HBO in May, and they both talked to EW about what it was like transforming themselves into crystal-encrusted beauties. Matt says that one of the most awkward things he had to do for the movie was to get a weekly spray tan since Scott Thorson wouldn't be seen in a metallic thong unless his skin was the same shade as Liberace's gilded cock ring. The other awkward thing Matt had to do was dry hump on Michael Douglas from the back.

As for their sex scenes together (and trust us, the movie has plenty), Damon and Douglas both say that shooting a moment of passion is always awkward, no matter who’s involved. “The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take,” recalls Damon, laughing. “We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, “Well… I have no notes.”

Well, I'm glad that this movie has scene after scene of Michael Douglas getting pounded by Matt Damon while wearing a Mama's Family wig, because that's exactly what's been missing from my life.

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You'd think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can't say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy's ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, "Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle." A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, "They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess' sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy's definitely a squirter.

Matt Damon campaigned hard for Obama during the last election, but don't expect to see his ass at an Obama rally this time around, because all love is lost between the two. Matt tells Elle in so many words that he has broken up with Obama, and then he threw a whole lot of ice cold shade at our current president. Here's today's edition of "Movie Stars Talking Politics Talk!":

"I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician...' 

You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better. If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate—people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."

Fooled by a politician? Who ever said that shit must be new here. It's okay, I too just learned to not put your trust into some politicians. But I learned this while watching an episode of 90210 where Congresswoman Brandy betrayed Silver by leaking that video of Teddy's gay wedding. Yes, I just admitted that I'm one of the only hos who still watch 90210. You can decide whether or not that's more embarrassing than Matt's Christmas vest.