Melania Trump

Moses and Apple Martin can say "I HATE YOU, GOOP!" in ten different languages and they can make a California Roll from scratch using the avocados in the garden of their Brentwood estate, but they still have nothing on Barron Trump. There's an actual human being on Earth who can get his man servant to hold him high above so he can look down at Goopy Paltrow for being a poor peasant compared to him.

The most gorgeous Trump of all the Trumps, Melania Trump, told ABC News that her 7-year-old son loves wearing suits and he moisturizes with her caviar cream every single night. Barron Trump is just TOO fancy for us.

“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”

Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.

“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”

So while Goopy and her kids are using caviar to make sushi, Barron Trump is smearing caviar all over her face like a true one percenter. Richie Rich, who?

And I'm just going to choose to believe that Donald Trump isn't the father and Melania had a bareback love affair with her chef, because I refuse to believe that a piece of trash with a face like a pinched anus made Barron Trump.

Ivanka Trump is always working, working, working, working and she says that she works 16 hours most days, but yet she still found time to make a baby. My guess is that Ivanka's husband Jared Kushner rushes into her office in the middle of the day and quickly does her from the back while she's typing an e-mail with one hand and filling out her expense report with the other. So now Ivanka's assistant knows why her expense reports are always sticky and covered in lube and saliva.

Both Page Six and People say that Ivanka and Jared's 20-month-old daughter Arabella Rose is going to get a brother or a sister this fall. A source tells Page Six that Ivanka somehow found the time in between working, working, working, working to tell her friends that she's knocked up.

Ivanka and Jared are currently in the process of designing a swivel rolling labor chair for her office, so she can work work, work, work, work while giving birth.

Anyway, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's nannies on their upcoming arrival! Also, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's fetus, because in a few months it'll get to do what everyone in the world wants to do: spit and barf on Donald Trump's ugly face.

And here's the most beautiful Trump of them all, Melania Trump, at the launch of her new skin care line in NYC on Tuesday. Yes, Melania Trump is actually selling a line of skin care products. Is she really trying to make us believe that she uses products on her gorgeous face when we all know that her daily beauty regimen consists of tightening the piano wires that keep her face tight before dipping her mug in a tub of wax? Whatever, Melania is still giving us some cat-faced Sofia Vergara glamour and her eyebrows are a thing of majestic perfection.

I know I was supposed throw a picture of Donald Trump up there, but would you rather look at a picture of a charred dingle stuck on a dog's hairy asshole or would you rather look at a picture of a gold digging Slovenian flower? No, Melania Trump isn't trying to seduce you. Melania is pulled so tight that she can't open her eye holes all the way and she's always hazy in the brain from constantly inhaling the toxic hot air that Trump farts from his pie hole. Anyway...

After RuPaul told Mitt Romney to sashay away, Victoria Jackson (the crazy one, not the make-up mogul one) pulled some "SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH!" shit and then melted into a puddle of sad tears on the floor of her mental hospital cell. Victoria dug a grave for America next to where her career and sanity is buried. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shat out a whine-filled rant on Twitter (and deleted most of it later). Trump described the election the same way most of us describe his existence: disgusting, a travesty and a sham.

Donald Trump is like a flea bite on your taint and just like a flea bite on your taint, your mother tells you not to scratch it or give it any attention, but you do anyway. Brian Williams scratched at that flea bite on his taint last night when he read a bitch during his election night coverage on NBC. Brian said this about Trump:

“Donald Trump, who has driven well past the last exit to relevance and peered into something closer to irresponsible here, is tweeting tonight."

And of course, Brian's slap down made the mutated hacked up hairball go after him:

@bwilliams knows that I think his newscast has become totally boring so he took a shot at me last night.

The only thing more boring than @bwilliams newscast is his show Rock Center which is totally dying in the ratings—a disaster!

@bwilliams--wouldn't you love to have my ratings?

Donald Trump is only mad, because you know that all night he was sitting at his computer waiting to type "OBAMA, YOU'RE FIRED" and he got shut down. I bet the gorgeous flower Melania Trump is secretly happy that Obama won, because Trump was too busy nailing his haters to nail her. It's always a good day in America for Melania Trump when her husband isn't asking her to slurp on his soggy mini dumpling dick.

President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a "sideshow circus" and then he did what Diane Sawyer should've done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.

Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I'm sure she'll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we'll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion's ass in Kenya, had to say about this:

"Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true. ... But he should have done it a long time ago."

Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump's natural hairline during a windstorm.

And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I'm talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by "birth certificate" I mean "penis."

via HuffPo

You know that politics give me nipple calluses, so I've been pretty much "whatever" about Donald Trump's need to see President Obama's birth certificate even though we haven't seen Trump's natural complexion or hairline in centuries. However, now I'm feeling the opposite of "whatever" (but I'll go back to feeling "whatever" after this post until Melania speaks again) because Melania Trump, the most glamorous woman named Melania Trump, has spoken out about the birth certificate issue, and guess what?! Melania is siding with the sugar pappy husband who keeps her skin slathered in liquid gold! TWIST!

While peddling her jewelry line for QVC (too. perfect.) on Joy Behar's CNN show, Melania said that her husband has a "genius' mind" and would make an excellent president. Joy then brought up the birth certificate issue and made a few points, but Melania pretty much repeated the same phrase I shout at men I've just met: SHOW IT!!!! Clip below:

I could watch the 2:26 mark on a loop all the way through Easter.