Micaela Schäfer

Somebody please get me the President of Germany's e-mail address, Skype name, Grindr username or something, because I need to let him know about the INJUSTICE that happened on his land Tuesday night. Germany's greatest creation since Milli Vanilli, Micaela Schaefer, was kicked out of a show at Berlin Fashion Week for not wearing enough clothes. If your brain is trying to process what a "Micaela Schaefer" is, then please click here and educate yourself, your loved ones and those around you on the pride of Germany. Hell, quit your job and teach a daily class at the Learning Annex about this beautiful German flower.

Everybody who knows of Micaela Schaefer (aka me and like three Germans) can pretty much draw her labia by memory, because her clothes are usually so damn tight that you can see the outline of her ovaries. When she's not wearing coochie-suffocating "clothes" (for lack of a better word), she's wearing a tampon string as panties and Lisa Frank stickers as pasties. So she was beyond overdressed at Berlin Fashion Week. This is her dead-of-winter look!

We all need to put on a pair of tampon string panties, march to our nearest German embassy (or David Hasselhoff's house, whichever is closer) and demand that something be done about this! They told that bitch to basically "gets the steppin'" in German. (And yes, I'm pretty sure they used the phrase "gets the steppin'." When it comes to phrases, Germany is still stuck in 1997 like me). I mean, Micaela brought a plushie dildo to the show. How can they kick a trick carrying a plushie dildo?

Germany's #1 tourist attraction and the slutty gift that keeps on slutting, Micaela Schäfer, floated onto the red carpet at Berlin Fashion Week today and continued to show us simple bitches how she can turn everyday household objects into an ensemble dripping with luxury, sophistication and the kind of refined demureness that can only be achieved when you're desperate to show as much of your body as possible without getting arrested. Micaela did it with VHS tape, a sequined appliqué and she did it again today with yarn from her grandmother's sewing box. Only Micaela can make dollops of yarn poo look like they were spun by Rumpelstiltskin out of a grey unicorn's tail. Lady CaCa, put down that ball of yarn, you could NEVER bring it like this.

I have one question about these pictures. How are the bitches around Micaela not on the floor, worshiping at her feet?! What is wrong with them? When a goddess like Micaela shows up to a fashion show with knit anal cones on her shoulders and knit tit beanies, you get on the floor and pay homage!

I know, every portrait of precious German gem Micaela Schäfer should be framed with the finest hand carved Italian gilded frame. Bitches should have to get their bags to checked by security before they're allowed to look at a picture of Micaela Schäfer. Micaela Schäfer's pictures are that luxurious and that special.

Seen above with PedoBear's German second cousin, FuckanythingBear, the pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer once again made eyelashes singe while posing at an event in Berlin for the Euro Championship 2012. I have no idea what the Euro Championship is, but I'm sure it solely exists so that Micaela Schäfer could show up to one of its events dripping in painted sophistication and sequined perfection. Remember those sequin appliqués you sewed onto your acid wash jean jacket in the 80s? Micaela glued one onto her precious pearl box. Yes, when she ripped it off, she probably took several layers of crotch skin with it, but that's how Micaela does it. She is that dedicated to sharing pure elegance with the world.

How has Germany not declared her their official country flower?

At the Men in Black 3 premiere in Berlin yesterday, Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Nicole ScherMINGEr all received a lesson in sophistication and style when Germany's high priestess of class Micaela Schäfer floated onto the red carpet wearing a stunning couture ensemble exclusively made by your old shitty VHS player that ate almost every tape. Micaela, who was diagnosed with elegant-itis which causes beauties to overheat if they wear actual clothes, showed us all that it doesn't take much to look like the epitome of a lady. All you need is a dog chain collar from Petco, black panties, an 80s belt from the Salvation Army, barf from a VHS tape, a pair of camera-ready nipples and zero amounts of shame.

Yes, it's true that after the premiere, janitors mistook Micaela for a shredded trash bag that was ransacked by raccoons and threw her into a dump truck, but I'm sure she looked absolutely gorgeous as she climbed out of the landfill.