Yesterday, it was announced that Michael Fassbender is going to play Macbeth in a new Macbeth movie, and I don't really see him in that role, but it sort of makes sense for him to play the King of Scotland since his dick is as big as the Loch Ness Monster. I secretly wished that they wouldn't mess up with the casting of Lady Macbeth, but guess what? Those hateful bitches did. Screen Daily says that when Macbeth starts shooting later this year, Natalie Portman will bring out her signature ugly cry to play Lady Macbeth. I'm sure William Shakespeare's grave is filled with only bone dust and a dusty lace ruff, but if lace ruffs can turn, I bet it's turning over this news.
Lady Macbeth is one of Shakespeare's hottest bitches, because she's a legendary schemer, is thirty layers of insane and if she was around today, she'd destroy all of those Real Housewives whores in a second. Natalie Portman can play crazy, because she is crazy, but she is no Lady Macbeth. Maybe one of Lady Macbeth's mute, bland handmaidens, but not Lady Macbeth. I mean, bitch didn't even serve cake at her wedding and you know Lady Macbeth rolled around naked on her own wedding cake. Seriously, anybody would be a better Lady Macbeth than Natalie Portman and here's a few better choices off the top of my brain:
1. Tilda Swinton
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Thandie Newton
4. Julianne Moore
5. Alan Cumming
6. Sweet Brown ("This spot? I ain't got time for that!")
7. Tanya Turner from Footballers Wives
8. Tan Mom
9. Liza Minnelli's clit
10. Meryl Streep in a coma
11. Harald Glööckler
12. Jinx Monsoon
13. Courtina Stodden
14. My Tio Jorge in drag as Celia Cruz
15. a plate of cold haggis
Basically, anybody but Natalie Portman.... Anne Hathaway.... Goopy Paltrow.... and Katherine Heigl. Oh shit, I bet they're going to cast Anne, Goopy and Katherine as the witches. Come you, spirits, kill me now!
This picture of Michael Fassbender (the "F" is silent) giving Ryan Gosling a rub down would be so much better if they were both one hundred percent naked, erect in the nipples and covered in Crisco, but we'll have to take what we can get. Fassbender rubbed Ryan the right way while shooting a movie together in Mexico. I'll let you pull down the shades, wrap a dental dam around your monitor, crank up the Bell Biv DeVoe and spend a little alone time with this picture.
Judging by the look of Ryan Gosling's face, he's either on his way to a sloppy happy ending or he knows that you'll give yourself your own happy ending after seeing this picture, and he's okay with that.
A few minutes ago, if you told me that you had a picture of Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender 69ing in W Magazine, I'd prepare for the fapocalypse by sending my dog to the boarders before ordering tubs of lube, replacing my bed sheets with plastic tarps and telling my neighbors that they should either somehow catch a cold that stuffs up their noses or they should go ahead and visit their parents upstate. Well, here's the picture and.......huuuuuuuuuuuuh?!
Why are they fully dressed? Like they're fully FULLY dressed. They're even wearing shoes! Why does Charlize's eyes look like they just made out with Taylor Momsen's raccoon eyes? Why does it look like there's a Kindle hanging from Charlize's crotch and Michael Assbender is catching up on some reading? Why is Charlize pointing her open mouth away from Michael Assbender's crotch? When your mouth is open and Michael Assbender's peen is within beej distance, your natural instinct should be to introduce your tonsils to his peen head. That fake fire in the background must be letting out some toxic fumes that are making both of them hazy in the brains. That's the only explanation.
But the rest of the pictures are much more faptastic (especially this one which I'm turning into ceiling paper) and have convinced me that Charlize and Assbender need to star in 50 Shades of Grey together and that the 50 Shades of Grey movie needs to take place in Freddy Krueger's nightmare lair. That's where they are, right?
Girl, we know! It's that big!
Michael Fassbender (accompanied by his hog of hogs) presented Charlize Theron the Ally for Equality award at the Human Rights Campaign Gala in LA on Saturday night. Michael K was there, disguised as a busgirl, and trying to frottage Fasbender's bulge with his buttocks while removing his bread plate.
Charlize took the opportunity to inform Fassbender and those assembled about her admiration for his peen and how she's willing, ready, and able to smack it up, flip it, and rub it down, oh no in a movie. ("This twat better watch herself!" - George Clooney.)
Hot-ass bitch Theron started talking about Shame. And dicks. She knows her audience.
"I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I've worked with them."
She then expressed all of our thoughts and desires about Magneto's cockatoo.
"Your penis was a revelation. I'm available to work with it any time." ("Me too." - J. Harvey, Michael K, Sweetas, all of you, your families, the world.)
Check out more pics of Charlize, Fassbender (who is a cocksman after my own hard-on for bringing his drink on stage), raggedy Chelsea Handler, annoying cartoon character Ross from The Tonight Show, and Joe Mangia(!)-iello in the gallery. Joe Mangia(!)-iello doesn't look as good when he's wearing clothes, huh?
In the trailer for Prometheus, dick-of-the-moment Michael Fassbender is looking thoughtfully at his fingers and says "big things have small beginnings." We get it. Prometheus is obviously a thinly veiled allegory about his huge cock. There's a lot of running and screaming, slimy goo on fingers, Charlize Theron looking intense, and planet-shattering. This is what happens when he swings it about. Oh, and Clooney publicly salivates over it at the Golden Globes.
Director Ridley Scott's Prometheus is supposedly the prequel to the Alien series. The lead chick (Noomi Rapace) was Lisbeth Salander.0. She played The Girl With/Who before the Vulcan Rooney Mara was living long and prospering on David Fincher's face.
This extremely shrieky trailer gave me a total fanboy hard-on. Sexy astronauts hauling ass through spaceship corridors because they're being chased by hideous alien monsters gives me the same feeling a KatherineHeiglKateHudsonSarahJessicaParker rom-com gives Jennifer Love Hewitt. A deep feeling of intense jealousy and a moistening of the pussy area.
Michael Fassbender (the "F" is silent) plays a fuck addict of Gerard Butler proportions in Shame and one of the opening scenes features him sprawled on top of a bed with a clear shot of his sleeping peen in a post-cum state. That scene earned the movie an NC-17 rating and Michael thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, because who hasn't seen a dick before? Put down your hand, Justin Bieber, you don't count, girl!
"Half of us have a penis and the other half have probably seen one, and so why should it be more normal to, like, chop people's heads off and shoot people? Does that mean that that's more acceptable or closer to us as human beings?"
Assbender is nothing but right. What humanity really needs from the world of cinema is less cut heads and more cut AND uncut heads if you know what I mean.
And I'm guessing that Michael Fassbender doesn't have a problem with putting his dick situation in front of the cameras, because he's a brave thespian and is attracted to emotionally damaged characters who have built walls around themselves and must expose their raw vulnerability to the audience by stripping away the layers that hide their pain. Or bitch just has a big dick.
Here's Assbender with Eli Roth and Rose McGowan at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night.