Michael J Fox
Taylor Swift tweeted her 23 million fans today to thank them for having her back against her non-fight with the 51-year-old meanie who said before that he barely knows who she is. Michael J. Fox said in so many words on Wednesday night that he wouldn't want his son Sam Fox dating Taylor Swift and I guess it turned into this whole thing. But Taylor talked to MJF about it and told her fans that everything is good, so they don't have to break curfew tonight to toilet paper his house, write "F U A-HOLE" in Vaseline on his car window and shit on his welcome mat.
What I'm guessing happened is that Taylor Swift called Michael J. Fox and let him know that if he ever talks shit about America's sweetheart again she'll fuck several #1 singles out of his son and he won't even get a cut of the royalties. After Michael J. Fox said, "Remind me who Taylor Swift is again," she screamed, "EXACTLY," hung up and declared victory. That'll teach everyone that the only bitch who can talk shit is Taylor Swift.
And seriously, how can Taylor's fans really have her back when she's always on it? I don't mean it like that! I mean, she's always lying on her back while making shadow puppets on the ceiling with her latest barely legal boyfriend.
Most of us slow clapped on Sunday night when Tina Fey jokingly told Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son at the Golden Globes, because we could all see her setting her boy trap for his ass. He looks 12 in the face, he's tall, he's white and he comes from a famous family. He's the perfect prey! Well, Vulture asked Michael J. Fox for his thoughts on Taylor Swift dating his son Sam Fox (Side note: If the name "Sam Fox" made you think of this "Sam Fox" then our brains were cut from the same brain cloth.) and Alex P. Keaton rolled up his sleeves, covered his face in mantequilla and went in.
Vulture: Would [you] approve of a Sam/Taylor (Saylor) love connection?
MJF: No. No ... Just back off. I don’t keep up with it all. But Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right?
MJF: What a way to build a career.
Vulture: So if Swift showed up to a Fox family dinner (possibly wearing her fox sweater), how would [you] react?
MJF: I wouldn’t even know who she was.
Vulture: But it'd probably dawn on [you] after the breakup song hit the radio.
MJF: Yeah, exactly. 'Sam, You Piece of Shit.' Oh … that was the girl you brought home!
You know the backlash is serious when Michael J. Fox joins the anti-Taylor team.
Taylor hasn't even dated Sam Fox, which means she hasn't broken up with Sam Fox, which means that she hasn't written the break-up song yet. But even though it doesn't exist and I've never heard it, "Sam, You Piece of Shit" has to be my favorite Taylor Swift song of all-time.