Michelle Obama

PRINCE HOT GINGE HAS COME (and so have all of us) TO AMERICA! The American air is now infused with royal gingerness, so breathe it in.

Prince Hot Ginge is in the US for 8 days, which means we can all expect to see pictures of him sunbathing naked on the White House lawn with Joe Biden, doing body shots off of John Boehner with Helen Thomas and being the freckled meat in an Obama freak dance sandwich on the dance floor. But before he does all that, PHG is doing some serious charity work stuff. For part of his first day in DC yesterday, he spent time with kids of military families at an even horning military mothers.

Yeah, PHG loves the chirrun and the chirrun love him. He's like SpongeBob SquarePants if SpongeBob SquarePants had the face of a ginger adonis, hair like Zeus' pubes and took his pants off every time he got drunk on vodka. A reader sent me these pictures and was like, "I love a ginger who's great with kids." I love a man who is great with kids too. If I wanted kids, I'd find a man who loved kids, because then his ass can deal them while I get drunk by myself in the other room.

Another reason to love PHG.

But more importantly, why didn't they paint the White House ginger to honor this important historic occasion?!

For the second time in the history of Vogue and the second time in the history of Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama is on the cover of Vogue. The pictures were shot by Annie Leibovitz and if Annie Leibovitz got her way, FLOTUS (Side note: Every time I hear or read the term FLOTUS, I always have to ask myself, "Wasn't Flotus a character in She-Ra?") would've been posing naked in a tub full of milk or some crap like that. Annie Leibovitz wanted to do it the Annie Leibovitz way. But FLOTUS rolled her eyes at that, because she has to keep things dignified and also because the milk in the tub wasn't fat-free. Let's move!

The cover isn't working for me at all and it isn't because they were a little heavy with the Photoshop and it's also not because her hair makes her look like the lost member of The Ramones. It's because she's sitting on a damn table! Now, I'm a total piece of unpolished trash and the last person who should be ranting about etiquette, but this is the First Lady. The First Lady shouldn't be leaning against or sitting on a table. I need Edward Lewis from Pretty Women to tell Michelle Obama that there's four other chairs here. There's a reason why they're called tables and not stools!

And how is she going to sit on a table that's got a glass vase full of flowers on it?! What if she sat on that table a little too much and that glass vase fell off and broke on the floor? The sound of breaking glass would've made the Secret Service bust into the room and they would've thrown their bodies on Michelle Obama while shooting at everyone else in there. And it would've been because somebody just had to tell Michelle Obama to sit on a table. I bet it was Annie Leibovitz's idea. ARREST HER NOW!

While looking like a cross between a young Jill Zarin and a hotter Ashley Tisdale, Jimmy Fallon and Michelle Obama gave us the Evolution of Mom Dancing on his show last night. They pretty much covered them all, but they did forget the "gross your kids out while doing a drunken version of the 'I Touch Myself' dance" and the "overheated chicken on E caught in a tornado dance" (aka the Demi). Maybe they'll cover those movies in the sequel.

*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*

Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama's bangs.

*AND LAUNCH*

Kunty Karl's opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn's Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest's most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama's new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:

“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”

QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin' hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn't looking. She can't shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she's too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.

CNN is showing scenes from the Inaugural Ball and the DJ played "Let The Music Play" for the crowd. How I wish the camera would've panned to Michelle Obama dancing on top of a go-go box as a strobe light flickered behind her. I really hope the DJ plays "When I Hear Music" next.

Anderson Cooper, Piers Morgan and a bunch of fashion-loving queens of CNN lost their minds, found their minds and lost their minds again when Michelle Obama sashayed out tonight wearing A DRESS by designer Jason Wu! Michelle Obama chose a Jason Wu dress for her last Inaugural gown, so how could she wear a Jason Wu dress again? The main fashion bitch on CNN slapped herself and pinched her titty, because she couldn't believe that Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu for a second Inauguration. This has never happened! This is history in the making! This changes everything! The world stopped, Mel Gibson hugged a Jew, Lindsay Lohan put down the vodka bottle for a second, John Travolta slipped Kelly Preston the tongue without getting the heaves and it's all because Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu AGAIN! As soon as you pick the pieces of your brain off the floor and stick them back in your head through your ear holes, watch Michelle Obama's HISTORIC!!! gown in action:

Usually, I'm not really into the First Lady's Inauguration gown, because I only like gowns that are covered in rhinestones, see-through or slit all the way up to the left nipple (aka classy ones), but I kind of like this one. But I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I'll be doing Michelle Obama's signature "side eye and roll" at this dress, because copy cats of it will be everywhere. You're going to see on every bridesmaid at every wedding. You're going to see one on every 11th grade at the prom. And I'm sure that right now, my cousin has pulled a white halter dress out of her closet, dyed it red and has glued patches of crushed velvet all over it. I just hope she doesn't wear it with her clip-on bangs. Not today. Not ever.