Nicole Kidman

My abuelita just wants to grab Nicole Kidman, lay down on a bathtub and take a shower while standing on top of her. Because the pattern of Nicole's dress is the same pattern as one of my abuelita's old rubber bathtub mats. The first woman to be made entirely out of hardened Botox posed on the red carpet with Ang Lee at the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Nebraska tonight.

Nicole is wearing Valentino and Lainey says this is the Valentino dress that Anne Hathaway was supposed to wear to accept her Oscar. But when Anne learned that life-ruining, dress-stealing sabotaging bitch Amanda Seyfried was wearing a dress that sort of looked like hers, she instead wore a dress that made her tits look like pink origami pyramids. I'm actually surprised that Anne didn't put itching powder in Amanda's dress or throw a period stain on it so she could wear the Valentino.

But now Nicole is wearing it and looks like fondant bride on top of a wedding cake. If that dress had lungs and a mouth, it would totally breathe a sight of relief, because it was so close to being an accessory to Anne's "it came true..." speech.

If you're still hungover and didn't read the headline, you're probably wondering why I posted a picture from 2004 of Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. These two peroxide-haired beauties aren't Portia and Ellen. It's Nicole Kidman and Sun-In's most loyal customer Keith Urban kissing and loving on each other at the Cannes screening of Inside Llewyn Davis over this weekend.

I had to check to see if there's been any recent break-up rumors about these two, because why else would they canoodle on each other like two 15-year-olds whose parents just dropped them off at the school dance. Nicole and Keith's STUNT QUEEN PDA show for the photographers is cute and everything, but I want to scream at them the same thing I wanted to scream at the couple in Olive Garden who sat on the same side of the booth and kissed on each other throughout my entire meal, "You're loved-up grossness is putting me off of these delicious breadsticks."

And if I squint my eyes, Nicole sort of looks like an albino predator who's trying to swallow an angora ferret whole.

It really isn't a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy's stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon's jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would've worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.

The only time it's okay to wear an outfit like this is if you're about to pull out Kristen Stewart's stoner heart in your medieval lair or you're about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too... Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?

With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand's tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people, Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.

Naomi Watts tells Australia's Good Health Magazine (via E!) that even though she's not completely shaking her head no to the idea of getting her face pulled, plucked and tucked, she thinks doing so would be a bad career move, because she wouldn't be able to show raw emotion in her face. Without naming names (*cough* Nicole Kidman *cough*), Naomi said some actresses who do plasticize their faces end up looking like a shellacked piece of Silly Putty with eyes.

"Never say never—and I certainly don't judge anyone who does it. But most of the characters I play are going through some kind of emotional turmoil, so my job requires me to have expression. If my face was froze, what right do I have to play that part? All the women who haven't anything to their faces are still able to play great roles. And some of the ones who have done something have messed it up—they look freakish. Anyway, for me it's about playing women with rich lives—and the longer the life, the deeper the wrinkles."

Naomi's obviously not talking shit about her good fwend Nicole Kidman, because Nicole Kidman is nearly 100% all natural and organic. A Botox needle has only touched Nicole's face once and she just naturally looks like a cold mound of dough that's been overworked with a roller. But if Naomi is talking about Nicole, then she appreciates the shade, because it keeps her frozen face frozen.

Here's Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts looking like the grown up and more plastic version of the Big Sister Little Sister dolls at Producers Guild Awards over a week ago and they look friendly-ish to me. But apparently, a source tells the NYDN that shit isn't all that friendly between Nicole and Naomi. Nicole is jealous of Naomi for getting an Oscar nomination for The Impossible. And I'm also jealous of Naomi, because if Nicole didn't Botox her pits, she could've left a sweat stream on Naomi's shoulder while that picture was taken.

The source says that 60 Minutes is doing a segment on Naomi's performance in The Impossible and they asked her main homegirl Nicole Kidman to sit down and say nice things about her for 5 minutes. Nicole, apparently, let a bitch know that she'd rather move her forehead again than help Naomi's Oscar campaign. The source said:

"She declined. Clearly she’s not inclined to help her friend because she’s jealous she’s not in this year’s Oscar’s spotlight. It was a ‘no’ right off the bat [for Nicole.] She could have made time if it was a priority."

A different source says that Nicole told the producers that she was way too busy for the interview.

This story is phonier than the answer Nicole Kidman gave when she was asked if she still uses Botox. Why would Amazon Nicole ever be jealous of Midget Naomi? Sure Naomi gets the honor of losing to Jennifer Lawrence or Jessica Chastain at the Oscars, but did Naomi ever get the chance to fake piss on Zac Efron's stomach in front of cameras? AND get paid for it? No.

Naomi gets to write "Oscar nominee" on her resume, but Nicole gets to write "Oscar WINNER" and "Zac Efron's golden shower partner." She has already won. Besides, Nicole is getting her marble face sanded, buffed and polished that day and that's way more important than sitting down with 60 Minutes.

Nicole Kidman's forehead is an icy tundra of zero emotions and if you stare at it long enough you expect to see a hungry polar bear roaming across it as it looks for food. Global warming is no match for Nicole Kidman's ice block forehead. Nicole admitted a couple of years ago that her face has had a few dates with the Botox needle before, but she said then that she hasn't touched the stuff for a while. But since Nicole's face still looks like a cue ball with lips, she was asked about using Botox and she once again said that she hasn't messed with that expression-killing crap in a long time. Nicole said this to Italy's La Repubblica (via stuff.co.nz):

"No surgery for me. I did try Botox, unfortunately, but I got out of it and now I can finally move my face again. I wear sunscreen, I don't smoke and I take care of myself, and I am proud to say that. Anybody can do anything to themselves - I don't judge - but personally I believe in being physically fit. That's how I was raised."

So, let's say Nicole Kidman is telling the truth and she hasn't filled her face veins with freeze nectar for a few years, then that means the old Botox hasn't melted away and that's why her forehead still looks like a white plastic cutting board from CB2. Screw Botox. I was thinking about youthening up my b-hole lips by getting the wrinkles out with Botox, but not anymore. I don't want my b-hole to always look like a plastic shower ring. Just for a little while.

The thing that I don't understand is why would you want to take away your ability to say "The hell is wrong with you?" with your face? One of the most useful tools in life is the ability to use your facial expressions to say "I hate you, you disgust me, get away from me" without even opening your mouth and so why would get rid of that? Why would you ever Botox the bitch from your face?

The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don't need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie's home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.

To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.

And January wasn't the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair's coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).

I know, Dover's bloomin' arse should wet fart on me for even asking that question.

For whatever reason, Nicole Kidman kept Halloween going by putting on a short, Dollar Tree version of the hot outfit Audrey Hepburn wore in the Royal Ascot scene in My Fair Lady. The Botoxed ice cube copy + pasted Audrey's look for Victoria Derby Day at the Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne today and told reporters that she's paying homage to My Fair Lady, "It's inspired by My Fair Lady. It's one of my favourite movies. We decided to do something that was fun and a bit different."

Nicole Kidman looks about as human as an Eliza Doolittle Barbie doll, but I'm going to keep the shade to a minimum. Because I'm actually surprised that Tommy Girl didn't completely ruin Nicole Kidman's ability to have fun and I can't believe the ice queen of Australia feels emotions. Unless, Nicole Kidman is just trying to trick us into thinking she can actually have fun. Yeah, I shouldn't trust a ho who doesn't have pores.

As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It's nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith's feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole's concrete forehead.

Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I'd still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.

And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she's working. The resemblance is uncanny and I'm sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue's forehead.

Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.