Paris Hilton

The next time one of Parasite Hilton's victims puts his tongue one of her crotch craters and screams "That's HOT!", she can slip a lawsuit in between his ass cheeks because she owns that phrase.

In 2007, Wonky and her team of lawyers sued Hallmark for using her trademark phrase and likeness on the stupid card above. Hallmark argued that the card is parody so it's protected by fair-use laws. The case went all the way Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals who ruled in favor of Wonks. They then sent the case back to a lower court and a trial was supposed to start in December. But that's not going to happen, because E! News reports that Hallmark has settled with Wonks for an undisclosed amount of cash.

More money for coke gum! Or for fluffy purse dogs who will eventually be banished to the basement closet to feed on wall mold and paint chips. :(

Wonks and "fair use" go together like vodka and my froat, but Hallmark is still in the wrong for using that nasty whore's face to make money without permission. It really hurts to admit that. I already have hate for Hallmark for mating with Satan to birth the minions of pure evil known as hoops&yoyo. But now I really hate HATE hate Hallmark for making me side with Wonky. No amount of talking cat birthday cards can cure that pain.

One extremely lucky immigration official got to tell Parasite Hilton today that unlike her, Japan doesn't let just anybody in and she needs take her Godzilla ass feet back to the US. That official's family probably threw them a special dinner and carried them around the neighborhood while everyone threw confetti! Proudest moment ever.

After spending 6 hours with immigration officials yesterday and one night at an airport hotel, Wonks was told that she could not enter Japan due to her recent drug conviction. HA. I love that she flew all the way to Japan, got off the plane and smiled as though she was about to get showered with pink stuffed animals and love-flavored welcomes. WRONG. Wonks got a cold splash of "GET THE FUCK OUT" thrown at her face instead.

Wonks' spokeswhore had this to say:

"Paris is very disappointed and fought hard to keep her business commitments and see her fans, but she is forced to postpone her commitments in Asia. Paris understands and respects the rules and laws of the immigration authorities in Japan and fully wishes to cooperate with them. Paris looks forward to returning in the future to a country she loves and has been coming to for the past 10 years.”

Every country could really learn a lot from Japan. Japan knows how to do it. Game shows devoted to dog farts, commercials that look exactly like your acid flashbacks and NO WONKY!

These three Japanese Wonky McValtrex fans really wanted to meet their icon today. They punched each other in the left eye to bring the wonk out, they filled their crotches with coked up crabs, and they put on a bunch of clothes that nobody over the age of 8-months should wear. Just like Paris! But their "OMGImsoexcitedtocatchanSTDfromParis" faces quickly turned into sad faces when they realized she wasn't going to show up. Wonky couldn't greet her fans, because immigration officials stopped her from entering the country. Oh, Japan, keep being magical.

Fox News reports that Wonks was detained for 6 hours today over that whole "getting caught with coke" shit. Before Wonks boarded a private jet to Japan, she pled guilty to coke possession in Las Vegas. Immigration officials in Japan have an issue with that, because any person with a "suspended sentence" is not allowed entry into the country except under special circumstances.

Wonks is in Japan to promote her line of purses (aka coke carriers) with her sister. All of her scheduled appearances have been put on hold until further notice. Wonks and Nicky are staying at an airport hotel until immigration decides to let her in or not.

Why was she there for six hours?! Did it really take that long for the bravest members of Japan's bomb squad to put on gas masks, grab a vat of holy water and venture into her cunt cavern to make sure she's not bringing in any bags of coke? Maybe they haven't made it back yet. Yeah, that's probably it.

If Japan does the right thing by not letting Paris in, they can officially change their welcome sign from "Welcome to Japan: The Land of Fresh Fuckery" to "Welcome to Japan: A Proud Wonk-Free Zone!!!"

And back to the picture above. I'm conflicted about ole' girl on the left. It's true that everybody loves an old whore, but does everybody love an old whore lover? That's the question.

Parasite Hilton has copped a peen (don't you dare red mark that typo) in order to keep from sitting her flat ass in jail. The Las Vegas Review-Journal says that Wonks will plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession and obstructing an officer in exchange for a tiny slap on the wrist in the form of one year of probation. Wonks' crotch critters are clapping their claws together, because their fix is going to keep on coming!

Wonks was caught with less than a gram of the bad shit in Las Vegas last month when her boyfriend was pulled over for hot boxin'. According to reports, Wonks' story changed several times. At first she denied that the purse was hers. Then she said that the purse did belong to her, but she let her friend borrow it earlier in the night. That's when she dropped the "I thought the coke was gum" excuse. Wonks faced jail time if prosecutors charged her with a felony. But now she's free!

On top of probation, she will have to pay a $2000 fine, complete a substance abuse program and serve 200 hours of community service. If she's busted for anything before her probation ends, she'll go to jail for a full year. Somewhere deep inside Wonks' pet closet, Tinkerbell Hilton is offering up a reward to any dog who successfully sets her up. So 911 operators should know exactly what to do if they get a call from a yappy ass dog. We're all in this together!

But seriously, the lesson here is that if you're going to get caught with the bad shit make sure the arresting officer can check the "rich", "white," and "famous" boxes on the police report. If they can, then feel free to do a line on the report while the officer is writing it up, because the party never ends for you! YAY!

Paris Hilton just loves animals. She loves animals so much that she only buys dogs if they match her outfit. And then when she's done with them, she throws the poor bitch into a closet with the others where they survive on eating each other's fleas and drinking each other's saliva.

Since Wonks is a regular St. Francis of Assisi it's no surprise that she took pity on 20 mega bunnies that were about to be fed to snakes at a pet store. Yeah, don't ask me how big those snakes were, because even Kim Kardashian's ass couldn't swallow up those gigantic bunnies.

This is what the Elmyra Duff of whores had to say about her bunny rescue mission:

@_erick_a The bunnies were meant to be feeders. I saw them at the petstore & they told me they were for snake food and I had to save them.
Wed Sep 15 04:02:28 2010 via ÜberTwitter in reply to _erick_a

@shamprei - I rescued 20 of them. They are now happy living in my backyard. They are all so happy, so nice to have changed their fate.
Wed Sep 15 04:08:21 2010 via ÜberTwitter in reply to shamprei

Please tell me that Wonks doesn't know that bunnies pop out babies faster than Michelle Duggar on IVF. The only good that can come of this is if those bunnies multiply into the thousands and eat her, or bury her house in bunny shit.

via UsWeekly

Joe Francis, the douchebag with the most punchable face in the world, is trying to cock block one of his former employees from releasing a tell-all which paints him as a "child molester, tax cheat, rapist, coked-out amoral direct marketer, violent thug and sexual predator." You know, all the things Joe's oldest auntie calls him when she pinches his face cheeks at family reunions. "You adorable little coked out tax cheat rapist you.."

The book FLASH! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild written by Ryan Simkin isn't out yet, but he's been releasing excerpts including this one about Wonky McValtrex's ONE MAJOR TALENT!

Ryan writes that Joe called him from Europe one day and asked him to get twenty hits of ecstasy and four 8-balls of coke from Girls Gone Wild's controller/drug dealer. Joe instructed Ryan to get the bundle of the bad shit to his girlfriend at the time Paris Hilton. Ryan put it all in a Camel ciggie box and met Wonks at Smashbox Studios where she was doing a photo shoot for Seventeen. Ryan went on to write:

I took out the Camel box and handed it to her, and she thanked me. We talked for a minute or two about the apparent difficulty of procuring those drugs in Europe. I asked if she was flying private, and she said, "No, commercial." And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X. She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic.

Right after that they came in with her next outfit, and she put it on. She said we could stay for a while and watch, but we were tired, and our work there was done. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and my roommate and I went back to the car to go home. I don't think we said five words to each other the entire car ride. I spoke to Joe a couple weeks later. He thanked me again for the favor and said it all arrived safe.

I guess so.

And I bet that when Wonky pulled out the Camel box in Europe, that shit was empty! Tinkerbell, the army of pussy parasites and all her crotch crustaceans snorted it all up! Do you blame them? Every day, they all sit in Wonky's cooch cavern waiting for some kind of nourishment to come through. When it's a peen, they just stand against her sour walls filing their nails and waiting for it to leave. But when it's a box of something good, they fight over that shit Lord of the Flies-style!

Bitch's pussy is like the opening to Ursula's lair. I would call Tinkerbell and Wonky's crabs "poor unfortunate souls" but they probably snort more coke than all of us combined!

via Gawker & THR

There's good news and there's "WONK PLEASE" news. First up is the good news, which brings all of us one beautiful step closer to seeing Parasite Hilton push a wonky tear out of her eye in the back a cop car AGAIN. TMZ reports that Wonks will be charged with a felony for getting caught with a .8 grams of coke in Las Vegas over the weekend. According to the police report, the arresting officer didn't even have to work that hard to bust Wonky, because an invisible angel picked up the bag of Lindsay Lohan's favorite nose mint from her bag and gracefully dropped it into the cop's open palm.

The cop writes that right after they pulled Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits over, she started complaining about how she needed to take a piss (aka flush the evidence down the toilet). So the cop held on to Wonky's purse and escorted her into the Wynn Hotel so she could use the bathroom.

Once they were inside, she asked the cop if she could get some lip chap out of her purse. The cop when on to write: "As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand." HA. When Darwin fails, we all win.

The cop also found a broken Albuterol tablet and Zig Zag rolling papers. Wonks admitted that the Albuterol belonged to her, but she pulled an excuse straight out of every episode of Cops by saying that the coke wasn't hers. And not only was the coke not hers, but neither was the purse! This bitch told the police that her friend let her borrow the purse earlier. Wonks said that she had seen the bag of coke in the purse earlier, but she thought "it was gum."

Now for the "WONK PLEASE" news. According to TMZ, her story is about as jacked up as her eye, because she's now telling friends that she thinks she was set up! Wonks has admitted to friends that the purse is hers, but she believes a shifty bitch dropped the coke into her bag. A source claims that Wonky is saying, "I had no idea the cocaine was there. I swear on my life. It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am." Wonks also thinks that the cop turned it into a big deal, because she's famous.

So just to recap, Wonks is either going to play "the coke is not mine" card or "the purse is not mine" card. Here's hoping Las Vegas plays the "GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL" card and sets this dumb bitch up in a nice jail suite a few doors down from O.J. Simpson on celebrity row.

And here's Wonky McValtrex smiling with her eyes in her mug shot taken last night after she was busted with a (hold your tongue when you say this out loud) purse filled with a bag of the bad shit. Actually, she's not really smiling with her eyes since the wonk is in full effect in her left one. Bitch is more like smirkin' with her eyes. And don't you hate on her Toucan Sam nose! Wonks has a nose just made for scoopin' and snortin' up coke in one swoop. LiLo wishes!

Here's Wonks past mug shots for comparison:

You know her Wonks' assistant is already framing her latest mug shot to display with the others along the staircase.

UPDATE: Here's the mug shot of Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits who was booked for DUI. Didn't anybody in that room have blotting papers or powder (not the white kind), because both of these bitches look sweatier than Tommy Girl's ass crack while watching Becks in the locker room.

You might want to stretch the smile muscles in your mouth you never use and clear the day to practice your "Dancing On Wonky's Fake Tears" dance from 2007, because there is a slight chance we'll get Wonky McValtrex Goes To Jail 2: Nevada Don't Play. Probably not, but you should cross your everything in hopes that shit happens.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently the reigning queen of mess on the stroll, Wonky is desperately trying to get her corner back. CNN has poured a giant sprinkling of HAHAHAHAHAHA into my cup of coffee by reporting that Wonks and her boyfriend Cy Waits were both thrown into handcuffs in Las Vegas last night after they were caught with a bag of the powdery white shit. Las Vegas Police pulled over the Escalade Wonky was riding in, because they noticed a cloud of smoke coming out of the windows that smelled like one of Snoop Dogg's afternoon farts (hint: the smoke smelled like weed). Maybe Wonky's crotch critters were trying to send a smoke signal for help?

Wonks and Cy were both taken down to jail on suspicion of cocaine possession. The police tested Wonky's white powder by calling up Lindsay Lohan and putting a spoon full up to the receiver. LiLo's expert nose confirmed that it was cocaine.

Wonks was released without bail, because they don't believe she's a flight risk. TMZ reports that Wonks has already hired a Las Vegas lawyer. TMZ says that since Wonks was released immediately, the amount of coke she was caught with was probably a teeny tiny amount. Wonks also might try to argue that the bad shit didn't belong to her. That excuse is known by police as CODE BULLSHIT.

This is a case of whore deja vu, because the same thing happened in South Africa last month. Wonks was arrested for marijuana possession, but the cops later "determined" that it didn't belong to her so they dropped all charges.

Wonks will most likely just get a flick on one of her snatch sores as punishment, but I'm still hoping that Nevada will do the right thing by sentencing her to life in prison. That's a reasonable sentence.

Meanwhile, Mugsy is currently erasing the hotel security footage of him sneaking a bag of cokey into Wonky's handbag. Well played, Mugsy. Just make sure it's a bigger bag next time!

UPDATE: Wonks Las Vegas lawyer David Chernoff jacked out this dumb statement about her stupid ass, "Paris Hilton was released this morning on her own recognizance. This matter will be dealt with in the courts not in the media and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law. There will be no interviews and no more comments at this time." There's no need for me to rush to judgment, because judgment is already sitting on my lap. We're friends!

Paris Hilton, seen here with Mugsy the newest addition to her dog closet, jumped out of bed early this morning after some dude with two large objects banged on her front door. No, it wasn't the gardener. It also wasn't her pedicurist holding two giant nail files. Apparently, it was some stranger dude with two large knives in each hand.

The Los Angeles Times reports that Wonks saw the dude on her security camera and immediately called 911. While her latest boyfriend went to confront the knife wielder, she jumped on her Twitter. Naturally:

So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting h http://twitpic.com/2hrfnm
about 2 hours ago via Twitpic

The LAPD arrested a 40-something man from Redlands and took him down to the nearest jail house. The police aren't sure how he managed to get past the security of Paris' gated community.

While Paris and her piece were dealing with the police, Mugsy managed to slip out of the dog closet undetected and he carefully put a stuffed toy pug in his place. Then he tip toed past the front lawn, crawled under the police car and held on to the bottom for dear life as it drove away. So if you happen to see Paris petting a stuffed toy pug for the paparazzi, don't say anything!