Sometimes the only things you need to really make an album cover work are a pair of flaring nostrils, a hulu skirt that can double as a weave, a whole lot of discount fabric from JoAnn's, an expert Photoshop artiste and a look that says "a fly just landed on the tip of my nose and I'm trying to stare it down." Snooki's identical twin separated at the tanning bed incubator tweeted this cover of her new album "My Body" today. Xtina probably thinks she looks like Marilyn Monroe as photographed by Bert Stern, but bitch really looks like she just woke up from a terrifying nightmare and got caught in the chiffon canopy around her bed.
If one of my relatives handed me this magazine before saying "I got my first cover!", I'd grab it, frame it with the finest frame Aaron Brothers had to offer and hang it with pride right over my fireplace (aka radiator). Every time someone (aka my dealer or the Fresh Direct guy) came over, I'd brag about the jewel of my family by showing them the cover. Then after I eventually learned the truth and found out my family member's on the cover of "Where" magazine and not "Whore" magazine, I'd rip it off the wall and throw it into the trash where it belongs. Then I'd curse the art director at Where magazine for fucking with my emotions.
That "sashay away" is directed toward me for committing an act against beauty and glamour by getting subtle shades of RuPaul vibes from the cover of Vogue's September issue with Lady CaCa all over it. I know, as punishment, I need to shuffle into the Interior Illusions lounge, untuck whatever shame I have left and let the queens take turns throwing Popov cocktails (don't waste Absolut on me) into my face. Somebody should yank Anna Wintour's bangs for this too, because if she wanted to serve up some dandelion RuPaul realness on the cover of Vogue, she should've served up the real thing instead of this. Because when I really open my eyes, CaCa looks more like an electrocuted Lorax tree or like a troll doll dildo that's been used one too many times. (Side note: Please tell me troll doll dildos exist in this life.)
Here's another picture of CaCa in Vogue and they broke all their copies of Photoshop while touching up that naked picture of her. I see they overused the "Jennifer Grey" tool on that bitch's nose.
In her continued effort to #getmoneybitch, OctoMom has made genitals turn inside/out with her fap tape, has made retinas curl by boringly working the stripper pole, has made you throw up a barrel of laughs with her OctoLoans commercial and now she's going after your ears. Kim Zolciak's untalented ass showed everyone that you can make money from a piece of shit song even if you sound like a robot walrus farting into a wind tunnel, so OctoMom has joined fame whore forces with reality type Adam Barta and together they are putting out a musical terrorist threat called "Sexy Party. I'm guessing that OctoMom's song is neither sexy, nor a party.
The song doesn't come out until September, but TMZ already has the "cover art" for that mess. This is what it looks like when desperation and Photoshop collide in the worst possible way. OctoMom says that she's paying tribute to Madge's "Like A Prayer" era with this cover. I sort of see a tribute to Madge, but I mostly see a tribute to vomit and that Photoshopped handbra is obviously a tribute to Janet Jackson. But what I really don't understand is how those crucifixes didn't turn upside down from being faced with this dark-sidedness? If you poured dirty douche water on an Affliction t-shirt and put it under a microscope, this is what you'd see.
With all that being said, you know I'm going to download Octo's "Sexy Party" when it comes out. My thirst for fuckery always takes me to the darkest places.
Let's all take a moment of silence for all the feeling Mimi's full-time, personal Photoshop artiste lost in his fingers after spending hours upon hours erasing all pixels of reality from her first American Idol promo picture to make this gloriously fraudulent masterpiece. Mimi's Photoshopper used the hell out of the de-rib tool and pinched her waist so much that it looks like her intestines escaped up to her chichis area to keep from suffocating. Even that sun looks skinnier.
Everything about this is perfection from her HERP DERP hand poses to the sun setting in the background to the blurry puddle of Photoshop sloppiness in the water on the left. It's as if the late Bob Ross and the late Thomas Kinkade joined artistic forces to paint a portrait of Mimi using only melted wax and lies.
via Wetpaint (Thanks, Lane)
Lady GaGa's putting out her first bottle of stank (smells like whatever Madge's perfume smells like but with a twist of tuck sweat and dash of copy machine toner) and here's the ad for this mess photographed by Steven Klein. You know, it's just CaCa wearing one of Madge's old Dita masks and airing out her pitt-less armpit while tiny men wearing garbage bag diapers and gas masks crawl all over her body. I wondered why those dudes have gas masks on, but then I realized that it's probably because she's got her pit out and her chocha's uncovered. You'd wear a gask mask too.
I don't have a degree in Cacaology, so I don't know what this ad means, but I'm guessing those little men are supposed to be trying to get a piece of her fame. Or maybe she's so evolved that her crabs have mutated into humans. That must be it.
And damn at that body. She's on the right track, baby, she was Photoshopped this way.
Here's Miss Tits Against Vaccines herself Jenny McCarthy celebrating her upcoming 40th birthday by posing naked on her sixth cover of Playboy. From those Girls Just Wanna Have Fun gloves to the fact that Playboy dulled every single Photoshop tool while making this cover, this shit is a mess. But a bigger mess is Jenny using the words "class" and "elegant" to describe her "Photoshopped into another face" spread. Jenny barfed up this pile of LOLs to People:
"I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."
The words "Jenny McCarthy" and "elegant" go together like the words "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane." The only way Jenny's spread could be described as "sophisticated" is if they covered her Joker face and body with a pink velvet blanket and laid Shauna Sand on top of her. Also, please tell me while Jenny posed nekkid ass nekkid in an air-conditioned studio, karma twirled in and blew a case of whooping cough right at her.
And I bet the classiest picture in the spread is the one of Jenny McCarthy flashing the message "Jim Carrey Hates Kids (Even More Than I Do!)" shaved into her full pube bush. Yes, Jenny shaved all those words into her bush. She's got a really wide bush.
Earlier I posted a picture that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, but looked more like somebody's uncle in five cent drag as Lara Flynn Boyle. Lifetime is trying to wipe that skid mark of a picture with this official photo of LiLo as Liz and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton. This some "I vant to suck the coke in your blood" shit, but it's an upgrade. If the entire movie is shot in black & white, every frame is Photoshopped and they only shoot half of LiLo's face, it might work! And now that I look at that picture again. It doesn't look like Dracula. It looks like he's doing a line off her neck.
And here's LiLo shooting scenes today in Marina Del Rey and sort of kind of not really looking totally like Elizabeth Taylor....during her Larry Fortensky era. If LiLo came to a Halloween party dressed like this and told you she was Elizabeth Taylor, you'd nod your head and think to yourself that you'll probably see the resemblance after you crack a full vodka bottle open over your head and pour its contents into your drink hole.
Lately, it seems like celebrities have been debuting their baby friends to public eyes for free on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook or by creating the image of their baby's face with fireworks over a blue-lit Empire State Building (that's how Blue Ivy made her public debut, right?). So it warms my money-loving gene to see that there's still some celebrities out there with old-fashioned pimp values who will gladly whore out their baby's first pictures for a suitcase full of neatly-stacked hundred dollar bills.
The moonshine jug in Jessica Simpson's backyard where she keeps her money is $800,000 fuller thanks to this picture of her 10 pound bundle of baby Maxwell Drew. I know, Maxwell Drew looks so young for a 5-year-old! Who knew that Jessica's amniotic fluid ocean was the real fountain of youth.
Jessica tells People that she gave birth to MD via C-section, because she had a TEN POUND BABY and she wants to leave the heavy duty birthing to Michelle Duggar's industrial-strength super vagina slide. Jessica also said this stuff:
"We stare at her all the time," says Simpson. "We can't get enough!"
But becoming new parents hasn't been without its hardships. Recovering from surgery – Simpson delivered via C-section – isn't easy, she says, and nursing, which she does throughout the day, has become "a full-on job."
Still, "It's the worst if I have to pump and give Eric a bottle to give her," says Simpson. "I miss holding her and having that closeness."
It's funny that Jessica didn't mention that when they broke her water, an amniotic fluid tidal wave poured out with Jonah bodysurfing in it. You'd think she'd talk about that. Maybe she's waiting to sell that little story to Christian Living Magazine. On a different note...
The ho who Photoshopped this cover needs to intern with Mimi's personal team of Photoshoppers, because they went too far with Jessica's face. Jessica should have a natural glow from being a new mother and from being $800,000 richer. Her face shouldn't look like an inside/out rubber clown mask. For shame.
I really hate it when a flyer for a no-rules gay bathhouse crashes into a magazine ad for Metamucil's new shower gel before landing on an invitation for a Florida sorority toga party. This is the teaser poster for TNT's Dallas 2.0 and yes, I too feel like I just woke up in the shower and realized that the last season of my life was all a dream and the new season of my life is a NIGHTMARE where a half-naked Larry Hagman is looking at you like he's about to pull out his peenstol and shoot you for a change.
We've got Linda Gray looking gorgeous (I can't trust a bitch who shades Linda Gray), Josh Henderson looking like a Craigslist masseuse you can't trust, Larry Hagman looking like the steam is tickling the silver hairs on his prune sacks something good and Jordana Brewster looking straight out of Public Access' version of The Client List. Then there's Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe keeping the ad campaign PG-13 by covering up his tits, Brenda Strong and some stranger girl named Julie Golanzo.
What I've learned from this is that the Dallas casting directors temporarily camped out on Wisteria Lane's cross street waiting to pick up Desperate Housewives' cast-offs. And if this poster is anything to go by, then Dallas 2.0 is going to be a broke, cheesy disaster that'll leave me wanting a good scrubbing to the retinas. I can't wait!