Photoshop Awards

It really doesn't bother me that Jakey Gyllenhaal looks like a delicately oven roasted chicken lollipop in granpappy's Easter suit on the cover of GQ. But it does bother me that they oh-so-carefully placed his tie OVER his special bubble boy area. Cock blocking is offensive in any form.

Anybigheadonlittlebody, Jakey talks to GQ (via HuffPo) about everything from Heath Ledger's death to life without a beard to play Mall Madness with in the middle of the night.

Jakey on Heath's death: "I don't really like talking about it. That period of time was...it was difficult. He was very sensitive. He didn't always have a sense of performance in his everyday life. He knew who he was. I think actors very often, they know how to present something, and that's part of their job. I think he was just really sensitive. We often used to do a lot of things together, because people were very interested in him and I think we felt safe together. Even when we did Brokeback and stuff, it was like my work was the only thing that mattered to me. It was like I could only understand or define myself through doing that. Life, I didn't totally understand. And I think I was afraid of life. And I had success in my work, enough success that you could keep going back there. But after that happened...I think I recognized that it was work. And I recognized that this is for real."

Jakey on being single: "It's...it's okay.... It goes in either direction. I think it's important for every man to find the right woman and every woman to find the right man.... Who am I to say what the most important thing in life is? The best answer I could give to any of those things is that I really don't know. Particularly right now in my life."

Every man has to find the right woman and vice versa?! Fuck me in the throat with a Reese Witherspoon romcom. If by the "right woman," Jakey personally means the perfect lady friend who will tell you to brush your teeth because your breath smells like old jizz or who will throw a cocktail in the face of the fuck buddy who did you wrong, then I'm right there with him. Every straight man needs a straight woman just as much as every fruit needs a fly.

Once again, the marketing team behind Sex and the City 2: Cougar Mummies Gone Wild have taken Photoshoppery to extreme levels with their latest poster. Originally, the other hos were supposed to pose for the poster as well, but they ran for the nearest safe house after staring into the "soul devouring" demonic alien eyes on Sarah Jessica Parker's face. RELEASE THE KRAKEN on this demon!

And what is with all that sparkly sand? Did Edward Cullen fart in the desert again?

via Marie Claire

The other tag line on this bargain-basement wreck should be: To Be Photoshopped To The Fucking Hilt!

Here we have Kimora Lee Simmons' head on top of somebody else's body in the ad for her new fragrance "Dare Me." Obviously, somebody dared Kimora to digitally decapitate herself and gently place her head on the body of RuPaul's doll. Sniffing "Dare Me" must cause a bitch to hallucinate, because that's the feeling I get when I look at this ad.

via HuffPo

If you guessed that the next time you laid eyes on Aubrey O'Day she'd be covered in a milky substance, you were right! Here's Aubrey O'Day trying to show up Mimi's army of Photoshoppers and Lil' Kim's plastic surgeons in some kind of ad for Millions of Milkshakes.

Poor Ginger (the fluffy white dog on the left) now has cataracts. Didn't we warn her to never stare directly into Aubrey's naked situation?

via The Life Files

Jennifer Aniston sort of, kind of looks like herself on the cover of W Magazine, but what in Photoshop hell did they do to Gerard Butler? He looks like an extra from Grand Theft Auto. Usually when I see a picture of Gerry Butler, I have to give my eyeballs a shot of penicillin and rub myself down with a body wipe. I don't feel the need to do that after looking at this cover and that's a shame! They've changed you, Gerry!

Photoshop ridiculousness aside, what is with this pose? Is Jennifer Aniston worried that she'll have to spend the rest of the day at the free clinic due to getting so close to Gerry's crotch warts? Did she choke on a ball of cookie dough and Gerry's trying to give her the Heimlich while remaining sexy? Is he hugging her womb? I don't know, but it's not working for me.

And since it's Show And Tell Wednesday, here's an amazing e-mail I got in response to The Jennifer Aniston Perfume Contest:

This reminds me. MADDOX, you better pay that last invoice or I'm sending you to collections this time!

There's nothing like a pair of furry man thighs staring back at you first thing in the morning. Yay (?). PETA decided to gives the ladies the day off and let a man get nekkid ass nekkid in the name of saving THIS FACE.

I'm all for four-lane happy trails, nipple knobs and tattoos that look like they were given in someone's garage after a keg party, but it's hard for me to fully enjoy this when they made Dave Navarro's face look like a wet chalk portrait of an Emo man.

And yes....I'd still....

via ONTD

No, Taylor Swift did not go to Heidi Montag's face doctor to look like a creature who chases breath-stealing trolls so that Kanye West wouldn't recognize her anymore and never snatch her mic away again. The Russian magazine Oops! simply Photoshopped her until the kitty litter box was full. Fuckery.

They seriously made Taylor look like the doctors botched her cleft lip surgery and she tried to cover it up with candle wax. Oops! is right.

Source: The Big 98WSIX via Jezebel

The detectives over at Hollywood Life has pointed me to this picture from a photo agency of St. Angie's strange neck situation in Venice, Italy yesterday. This better make Vanessa Paradis immediately run for Johnny Depp's dick area and cover it with her life! Don't let go, Gappy, because St. Angie's man-stealing tentacles are already starting to show themselves. ....Or maybe Angie's wearing a mask, because the divine beauty from her natural face could turn a mere mortal's retinas to dust.

Hollywood Life brought in their own experts to analyze this photo, and they've come to the conclusion that these pictures have been touched by Photoshop. One expert said:

“This photo is likely doctored and airbrushed. It’s blown up and looks distorted anyway, but if you look at the texture of the forehead, neck, chin and cheek mound right under her glasses, it is grainier and more pixilated than the back of the jaw."

Basically, St. Angie has hypnotized them into believing a lie! But seriously, when I stare at the picture long the only thing I'm telling myself is, "Why in the fuck are you about to hit publish on this post."

Yeah, it's going to be one of those days. So why don't you grab a bottle of something strong (Thunderbird or Clorox will work) and meet me in the park.

In real life, Brit Brit's natural beauty could launch a thousand shits ships, so I don't know why Candie's dipped these pictures in the Fountain of Photoshop. Dozens of graphic designers probably broke their hands while spending hundreds of hours Photoshopping this to death and back. That didn't need to happen, because Brit Brit's beauty speaks for itself (SPOILER ALERT: it sounds like an auto-tuned fart).

And why is Brit Brit giving us FMLface in almost every single shot? Did she just eat a vegetable or something?

This is the REAL Prince William on the cover of Hello Magazine. I'm not sure what they mean by the word "real," because it looks like they sprayed the top of his head with canned hair. Unless, the real Prince William does in fact have a full head of dark hair. Maybe he purposely shaves a bald spot on top of his head every day, because he's mad at his hair for not being a beautiful shade of ginge like his brother's. Yeah, that has to be it. So BEHOLD, the 100% real Prince William!

via UsWeekly