PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.
Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go "meh" and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.
STALKER ALERT. Because it is not at all strange, scary or smothering to superglue yourself to some guy you've been dating for all of two months, Taylor Swift has reportedly decided to take her summer fling with Conor Kennedy to the next level. Or more specifically, People, NBC News and basically everyone else is saying bitch bought a house right across the street from Conor's grandmother Ethel in the Kennedy compound.
While most people would be frantically spider-webbing their young naive grandson with POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape as red flags fly and sirens blare in the background, Miss Ethel and the rest of the Kennedy clan seem to be drunk on the Swifty Kool Aid (tastes like plain lukewarm tap water with waaaay too fucking much sugar).
From the Boston Herald: “She’s a great friend of all of ours,” Conor’s aunt, filmmaker Rory Kennedy, told reporters at the recent Television Critics Association confab. “She’s awesome and we love her.”
From Sweetas: PUKE.
I wonder if the Kennedy family will still think she's SUCH A DOLL when she turns the 1928 estate into a life sized Barbie Dream Home decorated with Hello Kitty and My Little Pony posters, hot pink ribbons and glitter markers. And there's something else that gives me cause for side-eye with all of this, I mean besides little miss spider turning Conor into a prey cocoon so soon while his damned family just stands there drooling on themselves and shaking their pom pons. Taylor's past bfs, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal have all been rumored to possibly at least sometimes, y'know, prefer the outies to the innies. I think you all get where I'm going with this.
You'd think that Kim Kardashian would be grateful to the airlines for always breaking the "all beasts over 20lbs must fly in cargo" for her family by letting them fly in the first class cabin, but apparently she isn't and has accused British Airways of snatching irreplaceable shit from her checked-in luggage. I guess Kim's duffel bag ass was already overstuffed, because that's usually where she keeps all her most valuable items (examples: a back-up rubber face, the heart of a virgin goat in case her creator Lucifer unexpectedly shows up to ask demand another sacrifice, etc..). After a flight from France, Kim opened up her bag and was so shocked and whoreified to find some of her shit missing that she was Tweeted (via DM) about it. The bitch who has no shame shamed British Airways for allegedly stealing from her:
Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine!Some things are sentimental ¬ replaceable
What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security & no trust!
Shame on you
Buuuuut watching a little Keeping Up With The Kardashians will make me smile! Tune into E tonight at the new time of 9/8c!
Hmmm... I wonder what happened to those days? THIS DUMB BITCH. But leave it to Kim to turn a "woe is me" moment into an opportunity to whore her shit show out. Pimp Mama Kris teaches her hos well.
We shouldn't assume that Kim is just setting shit up for her sex tape with Kanye to eventually leak, because I refuse to believe those two sex on each other. They tried once, but they kept fighting over who gets to be on bottom so they can themselves in the ceiling mirror. I'm guessing that one of the valuable items stolen from Kim's luggage was the perfume necklace full of Ray-J's piss she takes wherever she goes. Kim dabs a little on her body to remember where her fame came from. Bitch is sentimental like that.
Just like Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks before her, prolific philosopher and fully functional mannequin Megan Fox claims that she was never labeled as "pretty" in high school and was a total loner. This would make sense to me if Megan also told us that she was home schooled and her only classmate was the most beautiful earth angel in the world Shauna Sand.
As you can see from Megan's high school picture above, she was a real ugly stick victim and any one of us would've called her Megan Dog as she went to eat her mayonnaise sandwich in the bathroom. Here's what Megan told Miami Magazine (via UsWeekly) about her unpretty days in high school:
I was never the pretty girl," the actress tells the March issue of MIAMI Magazine. Describing her teenage self as "abrasive" and "obnoxious," Fox, 25, says she felt like a "loner" growing up.
This ho right here needed to walk three steps in my British Knights to know what it really feels like to be voted Most Likely To Get A Job As Dr. Frankenstein's Doorman by your entire class. I can't feel a sowwy for Megan when in junior high school I had a pube bush on my head, dumbo ass ears and some jacked up teeth. I might have told this story before (since I have the memory of a dead fish and always repeat stories), but my history teacher once told the class that she was the ugliest girl in school. She said that she had a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. Scan to me sitting in the middle of the classroom with a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. That bitch. When the kids weren't calling me Michael Gay, they were calling me elephag. So I just can't with Megan.
I'm looking at Megan's yearbook picture and I see nothing unpretty about it. Megan's lip gloss is popping me in the eyes and those brows could easily win valedictorian of eyebrow situations. I don't know how Megan said that with a straight face. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. Megan said it with a straight face, because she can't move her face anymore.
Rooney Mara's Publicly Shitting On Past Jobs Club just found a new member in David Cross. David Cross was in all three Chipmunks movies and tells Indiewire that the last one nearly sucked the life out of his being and left him cursing Alvin's name.
"This last film was literally, without question, the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had in my professional life. It’s safe to say I won’t be working with some of those people ever again. Not the actors. And the director [Mike Mitchell] was great. We got along. There were a couple of people, though…it was just a really awful, unpleasant experience."
Which isn't to say the entire 'Chipmunks' experience has been rotten for him. "I got recognized in China," he says, listing off the places 'Chipmunks' has taken him. "I got recognized in a teeny tiny town in Mozambique. In Zimbabwe. Botswana. It’s crazy."
What does David expect from some shit called CHIP-WRECKED?! Chip-wrecked is what you get when you snort crushed Lay's and freebase Ruffles grease, it shouldn't be the name of a movie. Nothing good can come out of a movie named Chip-Wrecked. That sounds like the name of Satan's yacht. David should've recognized this and pretended that he suddenly developed an allergy to chipmunks that is so severe that he can't even act with imaginary ones or he'll hack up pus-filled hive balls. It's David's own fault and he needs to shut his WAH WAH WAH hole with all the money he made off of that shit.
And I wonder who he was talking about when he said "a couple of people, though..."? Alvin and that know-it-all cunt Simon, right? They look like total douche holes.