Quote of the Day
Here we go again....
Morgan Freeman was a guest on NPR'S Tell Me More show the other day to promote one of his new movies and somehow the conversation moved into the topic of Obama and how the Republican Party had it out for Obama from the beginning. Morgan thinks that one of the problems is that we keep calling Obama the first black president when he's really America's first mixed-race president. Obama has said before that he identifies himself as an African-American dude. (Side note: I'm mixed and whenever somebody asks me which side I identify with most, I tell them the side that gets me the best presents for my birthday. It's the only logical way of looking at it.) Here's how Morgan Freeman broke it down for us:
"First thing that always pops into my head regarding our president is that all of the people who are setting up this barrier for him ... they just conveniently forget that Barack had a mama, and she was white — very white American, Kansas, middle of America. There was no argument about who he is or what he is. America's first black president hasn't arisen yet. He's not America's first black president — he's America's first mixed-race president."
He is being purposely, purposely thwarted by the Republican Party, who started out at the beginning of his tenure by saying, 'We are going to do whatever is necessary to make sure that he's only going to serve one term.' That means they will not cooperate with him on anything. So to say he's ineffective is a misappropriation of the facts."
And it was just last year when Morgan Freeman called Obama a black man while talking to Piers Morgan about the Tea Party crazies:
"Their stated policy, publicly stated, is to do whatever it takes to see to it that Obama only serves one term. What’s, what does that, what underlines that? 'Screw the country. We’re going to whatever we do to get this black man, we can, we’re going to do whatever we can to get this black man outta here.'"
WHICH IS IT, MORGAN FREEMAN? Stop allegedly boning your step granddaughter and clarify this shit. This nation needs to know whether or not Morgan Freeman thinks Obama is a black man or a mixed-race man. WE NEED TO KNOW. No, we don't, but we do need Morgan to answer Harvey Levin's calls about Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl. The only tea I want MF to spill is TomKat tea.
During a press conference for her soon-to-be Galaxy National Book Award-winning "novel" In The Name Of Love, Now Magazine asked the pride of Britain Katie Price what is the rudest thing she's ever done in the name of love. If Katie Price wanted to spit out some honesty for the first time in her entire life, she would've said the time she got into a stunt marriage with Alex Reid to fulfill her love for her true soulmate: FAME. But instead, Katie told reporters about the time she Grey Goose'd her cross-dressing, MMA-fighting ex-husband. If you're sucking on the tip of a vodka bottle or having butt sex right now, you might not want to read the rest. Because reading it will ruin both of those acts for you. This is the shit that came out of Katie's mouth when asked about the rudest thing she's done for love:
"I fucked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle."
Did we not learn anything from 1 Guy, 1 Jar?! Do NOT Google that unless you want your insides to die and fall out of your ass (you could be into that, I don't know).
So Katie basically gave Alex a vodka enema. Big deal. Who hasn't given themselves a vodka enema after they've had their wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist told them they can't drink booze orally for a few days? We've all done it. If Katie really wanted to tell the reporters some fucked up shit she's done during sex, she should've told them about the time she gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat.
Willy Wonka is not going to be happy that one of his Oompa Loompa took his favorite pair of glasses without asking. Drop that trick in the bad egg trap door!
If La Leche League cared about the shitastic ramblings of a pickle-brained midget sasquatch, I'd tell Snooki that she was in danger, girl. I doubt they do, so she can keep barfing at the mouth about breastfeeding all she wants. But before we get to that mess, Snooki told Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) she's naming the unborn guidoling in her womb Lorenzo (Enzo for short) and that she's taking her whole pregnancy really seriously. Snooki isn't even drinking wine, because she says she'll "be that person that has a glass of wine and [the] baby comes out with three legs." Well, Enzo probably wouldn't mind that since he'd have an extra leg to kick himself in the head with once he realizes that he's completely fucked and his parents have the parental skills of a jar of rancid pickle juice.
And about that breastfeeding shit, don't expect Snooki to follow in the nipple squirts of Dr. Blossom....
"I'm just scared. My friend did and she said it was so painful…but I definitely want to pump because it's the best nutrients for the baby. It's kind of like you're a cow and you're just milking."
I've never milked a cow, but I'm guessing it's nothing like pumping Snooki's titty leche. I'm sure that while you're milking the cow, it doesn't queef in your face and beg you to massage its fupa with pizza grease.
Besides, if Snooki wanted to breastfeed, it's not like Enzo would ever get a chance to suckle on Snooki's tete anyway. Snooki's filled with so much vodka that her mammary glands are going to make nothing but White Russians. The entire Jersey Shore cast is going to line up to put their mouth under that nipple knob. Open bar titties!
To play a male-to-female pre-op transgender assassin in the British miniseries Hit & Miss, Chloe Sevigny had to bring the bulge by wearing an artificial dick. You'd think that since Chloe wrapped her lips around Vincent Gallo's chorizo dick in Brown Bunny, she wouldn't be fazed by doing almost anything for her art. But nope. Not only did it suck having a bunch of hands up in her crotch area, but Chloe tells Culture Magazine (via Page Six) that wearing a prosthetic peen made her feel ugly. It's times like this that I really wish a Hilary Swank as Brandon Teen side-eye GIF existed. If I got paid to wear a plastic vagina all day, I'd be happier than a Kardashian in piss, but not Chloe.
"I cried every day when they put it on. I felt very exposed… having people so close to your personal parts anyway -- who you're not sleeping with -- for an hour-and-a-half each day, to put it on. Then looking in the mirror... it was weird. I was lonely and I felt really unattractive. I was confused about my desirability -- was I desirable? -- in having put that on, and having men see me with that on.
I think it might be one of the most extreme roles I've done. If people can believe what's-her-name in 'Avatar,’ hopefully they can believe me as a pre-op."
"I felt really unattractive..." Oh Chloe, makes it TOO easy.
Maybe Chloe is trying to say that wearing a rubber dick all day helped her to sort of relate to real pre-op transgendered people who are trapped in their own bodies? Or maybe Chloe is just being Chloe since she's known for using her mouth to produce dumb shit. I'm going with the second one. But I did let out a laugh at "what's-her-name in Avatar."
Never mind that Tan Mom could use the shade and then some, Snooki has gone against the barbecued ghost of her future and has called Patricia Krentcil, who my friend said looks like Mr. Hankey's long lost mother, "crazy" for turning her skin into burnt crème brûlée and for allegedly letting her 5-year-old tan. The deep fried dingle plucked directly from the sun became a media sensation after she was arrested and charged with felony child abuse for allegedly putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Snooki should be slow clapping for Tan Mom since she's having an incubator turned into a baby tanning bed for her guidoling, but nope! Snooki has turned against one of her own by saying this to Extra:
“That bitch is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”
I refuse to believe that the vodka and jacuzzi water lake in Snooki's almost empty head is capable of producing a reasonable thought, so obviously she just said this because she's jealous of Tan Mom. Snooki could lock herself in a tanning bed tomb for weeks on and she'd never come out looking like creamed beef jerky slathered on a scorched hot dog.
And I'm beginning to think that Tan Mom's foundation is made by Minwax, because TMZ talked to her yesterday and she didn't look like a leather sofa cushion with eyes.
Maybe the frosted pink lipstick dims her skin tone?
Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:
"It's not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she... I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, 'Are you an actress?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And she says, 'Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It's so image conscious.' I think she really, really meant it in a good way... I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, 'Oh, but I love you, please don't tell me to quit my job.'"
Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.
Jon Hamm has taken a seat next to Daniel Craig on the anti-Kuntrashians side of the field by saying that he wet heaves up pieces of his stomach every time he thinks about how trash cans in Louboutins like Kim Kardashian get paid millions of dollars for acting the fool. Yes, it's true that Don Draper would totally suck a scotch-soaked ice cube out of Kim's ass, but Jon Hamm has no love for Pimp Mama Kris' whore zoo animal show. Jon put it like this to Elle UK (via Daily Mail):
"Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."
I resent that comment out of Hamm's hole. I'm a fucking idiot and I don't have no major reward to show for it (case in point: I lost the Bloggie!). But seriously, the only thing better than Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian is Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing ten naked jumping jacks in a row. Actually, Mad Men would probably beat the Kuntrashians in the ratings if it was a full hour of Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing naked jumping jacks.
The grown up Eddie Munster, Justin Theroux, had an interview with New York Magazine and after a swarm of cotton-killing moths tried to eat his whole shirt, he was asked about his new shit show Wanderlust (WHO CARES!!!), his work as a screenwriter (WHO CARES: THE SEQUEL!!!) and his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Because everything you need to know about TheAnis is on display during the photo-ops her publicist sets up, Justin ate his tongue and refused to say shit:
Theroux knows only too well that his relationship with Aniston is not just making him more famous but is also a selling point for Wanderlust. “I understand the curiosity, but other than saying I am happy, I am not going to indulge it,” he says. “That’s building your own torture device.”
"You know what a torture device is, Michael? You putting this WHO CARES trash in my eyes?" is definitely the thought that has climbed up to the think bubble above your head. But I only did it for the lightning veins and peek-a-pubes Justin is flashing in that picture above. But you know, it's a little surprising that Justin still has a full crotch bush. By now, you'd think that Jennifer would've shaved all his pubes off while he was napping and crocheted them into a thong that she wears every minute of the day so he'll always be close to her. Yeah, I bet she's already done that. Dude is totally wearing a merkin.
The Fix's Maer Roshan spent months inside of Courtney Love's head poking at the malnourished rats, putting out the trash can hobo fires and trying to make sense of the scribbled thoughts that her brain spits out. Maerwrote an article last May about his time with Courtney, but there were so many strands of fuckery that didn't make the article so he used them in a new e-book on her. Even though Courtney threatened to ruin his ass, Maer still went through his old notes, interviewed people in her life and read legal documents to put the book together. There's some priceless pieces of it on The Fix, but one of my favorite is a quote from Courtney where she says crack transformed her brain into that of a calculus genius:
“The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others. I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”
This ho is crazy, but what I want to know is, when does Courtney Love ever come in contact with calculus. Like did she have calculus books laying around? You know how Snapple has facts written on their caps? Does a bag of crack rocks come with a mathematical problem? I can just picture Courtney scribbling all sorts of shit on the wall like numbers, shapes, Looney Tunes characters, the middle names of her enemies and thinking to herself that she's really making calculus her bitch when she's actually just drawing a bunch of gibberish. Calculus? More like Crackulus. Courtney is like the crackhead Good Will Hunting and I really hope Matt Damon plays her in the movie.
With all that being said, I still wish Courtney was the Secretary of Education when I was in school, because then smoking crack would've been part of our daily math curriculum! I still would've failed math, but at least I could've been fucked up on crack while doing so.
Fran Drescher and her ex-husband Peter (the one who ended their marriage after declaring his undying love for peen) both have the same kind of scar on the same spot and that could only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Fran tells HuffPo that when she was in junior high school, the aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and tagged her ass. It's like the recurring wet dream that Tommy Girl wishes would become real life.
"You know, it's funny because Peter and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads. We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It's the exact same scar on the exact same spot."
I bet that when the aliens shimmied the chip up under her skin, Fran let out one of her ear hair-burning laughs and the aliens immediately dropped her back on earth before vowing to never subject themselves to torture like that again. Fran single-handedly saved us from an alien invasion! But seriously, Fran and Peter weren't TAKEN. Those bitches just did way too many whip-its and freebased way too many spices in junior high school. That scar is probably from a bong burn. I'm sure Demi Moore is also telling her therapist that she was abducted by damn aliens.