Quote of the Day

This gold diamond beauty may have the face of a perfect glamorous angel whose air kisses taste like lip liner and money, but she has the heart of an ice-blooded evil monster. Patrizia Gucci was sentenced to 29 years in prison back in the 90s after she successfully ordered the hit of her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci, heir to the Gucci fortune, because she wanted more alimony. Patrizia is up for parole and when she went in front of the board at San Vittore jail in Milan, she said something that is the hottest and yet cuntiest thing I've heard today.

"No thanks as it would mean getting a job and I have never worked a day in my life. I would prefer to stay in my cell and water my plants and take care of my ferret."

I don't know whether to slap that crazy bitch or slap myself for loving her.

via Daily Mail

Yes, I know today was LinDslisted around here, but this will be the last Lohan-themed post today unless a Dateline NBC investigation reveals that White Oprah and Courtney Stodden are actually the same trick (very possible).

People asked LiLo's rep to comment on why her rotting teeth look like she ate herself out of a grave of manure and dick cheese. If you looked up delusion, you'd find the number to a payphone outside of a discount liquor store on Long Island (it's technically White Oprah's contact number) and then you'd find this hilarious shit below it:

"Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers.

She's been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She's a beautiful and glamorous actress.

With everything going on – from deteriorating public education to rampant homelessness to international unrest – there is no way I'm going to comment on Lindsay's teeth."

If you need a publicist or just someone to make you feel better on days when you look and feel like an inside/out anus, hire this dude. He will crush the delusion into a pipe, take a long hit and then blow smoke up everyone's asses. This motherfucker bedazzles every piece of bull shit that falls out of his mouth and he topped it all off by playing the "PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN THE WORLD" card. That could only mean one thing, LiLo's "publicist" is totally White Oprah speaking in her hangover voice.

Now that England's finest rose has tits like a T-Rex's ass boil, abs like a deep fried rack of ribs and a belly button that sort so of looks like an alligator's terrifying eye, she says everybody retinas are dripping with green liquid when they stare at her body. No, it's not because the sight of Jodie Marsh causes eyeballs to grow warts that leak green discharge. It's because jealous bitches are green with envy and will gladly give themselves roid enemas and shove a grill pan under their stomach skin if it means they can have a body just like hers. The most beautiful woman in Britain and the demure roid flower that has a crotch tattoo that is probably less terrifying than the crotch from which it's flying from said this about her gristle body to Heat (via Daily Mail):

"I feel proud when I look in the mirror. I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, fucking hell, I love it so much! I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked.

If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal. I think I still look really feminine. It has totally changed my life, doing this. My self-esteem is higher, my confidence is higher, I feel more secure, feel powerful – I almost feel invincible.

I do feel a bit like Superwoman. Now every single person around me is jealous of my body.'

The only shit that was around Jodie when she said this was a pile of salmon jerky and the alien that ripped through Kane's chest in Alien, so technically the bitch is telling the truth!

The bitch who puts the twit in Twitter is tired of you gossiping putas saying that she's so damn skinny that you can use her to poke an Almond Joy out of a vending machine and has had it with her haters sending the ASPCA to her house after reporting that they've witnessed a malnourished pony shuffling around the premises. LeAnn Rimes is sooo sick of you going on and on about her weight that she's going to go on and on about her weight. Maybe she's trying that reverse psychology shit on us hos.

But the thing is, during an interview with The Associated Press, the reporter didn't even bring up the weight thing. LeAnn did. LeAnn's mouth shat out a broken record when she said that she's not anorexic and doesn't have an eating disorder. LeAnn simply has the body of a Halloween skeleton decoration, because her mouth is too busy farting about her weight to eat and her fingers are too busy shooting out words about her weight to pick up food. And "the divorce" and "working" are also to blame. Here's the word bile that trickled off of LeAnn's tongue about the only thing she talks about.

AP: Celebrity and fame has changed since you first became famous as a teenager. Now you're followed by paparazzi and the press focuses on your marriage.

Rimes: It's interesting. I was told when I was little I couldn't have an opinion because you want everyone to buy your record and like you. I'm not gonna apologize for who I am and what I've gone through. We all are human. I've learned you just don't know what another person has gone through. ... People don't see that. You know, I went through all I've gone through in the last few years and I was going through a divorce and I couldn't get out of bed, and so I gained 10 pounds and then I lose 10 pounds because now I'm moving around and I'm working and you know, I don't stop and no one sees that (weight loss) actually can happen like naturally. It's a natural progression of life. It has to be some big deal and some issue so I'm glad there are people out there that are smarter than that and they don't buy into it.

When LeAnn is waiting in an office waiting room and the receptionist asks her if she wants some water, she pulls her head out of the Twitter bird's ass and screams, "WATER?! Why do you think I need water? Are you saying that I need nourishment?! I'm not anorexic! Leave me alone! I just ate water two days ago! Stop it! I'm natural! I'm human! I have feelings! How dare you, you Falkor racist! Why is the room spinning? Why do I feel weak? Oh, it's because I haven't Tweeted in the past 5 seconds and I'm going through Tweetdrawls! You did this to me! And stop looking at me like you've never seen someone wear a bikini in an office waiting room! "

LeAnn freaks out about her weight on her own, so I'm not even going to touch that anymore. But my favorite part is when she said that she couldn't get out of bed during her divorce. Bitch, don't act like the real reason you couldn't get out of bed is because it's kind of impossible to roll off of a mattress when you've got a gut full of Eddie Cibrian's married dick.

Beer heiress and Madge's arm twin Daphne Guinness says that contrary to popular belief, not all fashionista socialites keep their bodies as light the air under a hanger by barfing up bile into a solid gold toilet and cutting their coke with Airborne (a bitch has to have her vitamins). Using a fork is for the bougies and digesting solids is for the fatties. The Daily Mail says that during an interview with The New Yorker, Miss Daphne closed her lips to a plate of pasta and then let us know that her farts smells like a convalescent home and the kitchen sink for a frat house.

A new interview has revealed how she announced: 'I'll eat when I'm dead,' when offered lunch during a photo shoot.

Revealing that the 43-year-old had been existing on Red Bull and Ensure nutrition shakes for most of the day, the New Yorker told how she refused her assistant's offer of a plate of pasta.

She explained: 'If I eat, I can’t work.'

Daphne can't see her reflection in a mirror (everything makes sense now, I know), so technically she's a vampire, which means she doesn't eat anyway. But even if she did, I wouldn't take eatin' advice from her. You can't trust a ho who looks like a faded red ant sucking on Sour Patch Kids salt. And you really can't trust a ho who doesn't eat carbs and won't even drink her last name. She won't even drink her last name! The. Fuck.

Sofia Vergara tells The Advocate that she thinks she looks like the face of Rose's Turn Transvestite Boutique and she fully embraces it into her Colombian chichis:

"I look like a transsexual anyway. I'm a woman, but I'm super-exaggerated with my boobs, my ass, my makeup and my accent. When I get ready for an event, I always look at myself in the mirror and say, 'I look like a transvestite!' I love it."

It doesn't matter that Sofia might not know the difference between a transvestite (Danny Aiello in Prêt-à-Porter) and a transsexual (a beauty of the night who Eddie Murphy brakes for). The only thing that matters right now is that stunning old picture of Sofia wearing glamour cut bikini bottoms that I wish would make a come back.

On top of asking herself "Do I look like a transsexual?" before she leaves for the night, Sofia should also ask herself "Does this lip liner make me look like a chola flower on the cover of Jail Babes Magazine?" and "Did I need to sharpen an eyeliner pencil at least three times to complete my brows?" If she doesn't answer YES to all three of those questions, she needs to go back and add more of everything.

via UsWeekly

The Daily Mail has a way too long article on Jane Fonda's second husband Tom Hayden, a left-wing activist who made her give up her fancy ways to fight the cause or some shit, and in it they include a priceless quote she apparently said at a feminist rally.

"My biggest regret is I never got to fuck Che Guevara."

Che Guevara?! The famous t-shirt model? Why in Urban Outfitters clearance rack hell would she want to fuck that?

No, Jane must be talking about Che from that Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Evita. Jane, you not-knowing tramp, Che was just a character in a musical played by Mandy Patinkin! But if you really need it like that, I'm sure Mandy would be nice enough to bring that fantasy to life for you. Dust off your coochie, pull out your pussy beret and make your dreams come true.

And since it's Labor Day, I will do some labor for you by posting your official response to this:

You can also dub Dan's voice with the word "Michael" instead of "Jane" and it works just as well. Thank you.

Since SATC2: Dry Vaginas in the Desert was such a critically acclaimed masterpiece that won several Oscars and was called a cinematic wonder that film historians will continue to study for centuries to come, Sarah Jessica Parker and Michael Patrick King are talking about making a third one. And they've already come up with the storyline. There has to be a better way for those whores to stuff more millions of dollars into their feed bags without terrorizing the public's senses, right? I fucking guess not, because SJP said this to Parade Magazine (via HuffPo) when she was asked if there were any plans for her to pull out her Louis Vuitton whip and beat that dead horse again (insert "horse beating a dead horse" meta joke here):

“There is. I know what the story is. It’s a small story, but I think it should be told. The question is, what’s the right time to tell it?”

I've said before that SATC3 should be the pilot episode of the Golden Girls, but I've changed my mind. Those four shaved and embalmed hyenas in $1600 shoes are far from the Golden Girls. SJP ripped out all those characters' hearts and nibbled on their souls, so they're basically just zombies now. Zombies in the City! George Romero should direct that shit.

The only story there is to tell is the one where Rojo Caliente acts for the people by locking those three hags (Mrs. Rojo is excused) in a tomb and lets them nag each other's faces off while she sits on a folding chair, slowly eating Red Hots in front of the camera for 120 minutes. SATC3: Rojo's Revolt, that's the only shit I want to see.

Fishsticks Paltrow wants us to know that whenever her face looks like that of an Albino Asian, it's because she IS an Albino Asian (just like she's African) and it isn't because she's stuffed her face with fillers. Even if Botox was made of the milky discharge from a beluga whale's lower nipple and cost the price of most people's cars, Fishy still wouldn't touch it. Fishy, who is obviously trying to get a membership card to Kate Winslet's League Of Judgmental Hos, tells German's OK! Magazine that she raises her nose to almost all plastic surgery.

"Before, I didn't care about it. And I still refuse to use silicone, Botox or any other of those gimmicks out of pure vanity. But a breast correction after breast-feeding -- why not?"

I take back what I said about Fishy looking like an Albino Asian in that picture. Bitch looks more like one of her slaves just grabbed her hair and pulled her head out of her ass. It has that colon-flattened look about it and it hasn't settled yet. Definitely not Botox. Botox is only for the homely poors!

But really, breast correction for incorrect breasts? Maybe that's what grand dames of their own asses call it, but us peons who talk real call it, "getting your tits done, bitch."

Fishy doesn't need breast correction surgery since she really has no breasts to correct. Tongue correction surgery on the other hand....

via SFGate

No, this is not a still of a lost scene from Splice. This is OctoMom on the cover of the always elegant Steppin' Out Magazine. In the interview with Steppin' Out, Octo continues to talk about how her vagina only opens for baby heads and she isn't interested in anything sex related. Octo was married for a while and couldn't even tell you if her husband's dick situation was curved, cut or mushroom-headed. Octo has no idea, because she barely spent time with his peen. Octo would rather get intimate with an IVF needle than with a peen and she's alright with that.

"I can tell you that I never touched him physically. It was a different type of marriage.

That's all I want to say about it. I'm the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don't need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don't .. I have zero sexual interest.

And in the spirit of sharing more than you'd probably ever want to know. I've never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It's like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don't know what I'm missing.

I couldn't even imagine kissing something. I'll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you."

If you're with me, then I guess your response to Octo never having an O is just....oh.

via Daily Mail