Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

The producers of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills will save a little money next season, because they won't have to pay an animal handler to throw Temptations cat treats at Adrienne Maloof's face when she starts to growl. Adrianne is done.

After Adrienne threatened to sue Brandi Glanville for telling everyone that she used a surrogate to have her kids, she's barely been on the show. This morning People said that the producers of RHOBH threw a ball of yarn in the middle of the 405 freeway and told her to go and play with it, because they were sick of her constantly showing up late to shoots. A few hours after People reported that, Adrienne wrote on her blog that she's done with the show and those tramps and trollops will never see her post-op MGM Lion face again!

To my loyal fans… It was time to exit RHOBH

The show served as a wonderful platform for all the amazing projects that I have in the works. I am forever grateful to my fans, thank you for your support, and stay tuned! xoxoA

I would write a 10,000 word response to Adrienne's goodbye letter, but I'll let the human ice stone with eyes that is Yolanda Foster do it for all of us:

And here's Adrienne leaving a restaurant the other night with Sean Stewart who's looking more and more like a 1980s truck driver. Bitch looks like Larry Fortensky's truck stop bar driving buddy who smells like cigarettes, St. Pauli Girl and Aqua Velva and always keeps at least 5 pairs of aviator sunglasses in the glove box of his Trans Am.

On one of the episodes of The Real Plastic Brains of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville became the #1 enemy of the Maloofs when she spilled a secret about their lives. Adrienne Maloof threatened Brandi with a lawsuit and also threatened Bravo with a lawsuit, so the "scandalous secret" was bleeped from the episode. My guess was that Brandi told everyone that Adrienne is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast and that dum-dum Belle never kissed him in time to break the curse, so he made the best out of his look by getting a whole lot of plastic surgery to become the feline beauty he is today. But I was wrong.

Shortly after that episode air, there was a rumor that Brandi told the other ghouls that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her kids, because she didn't want to mess up her body. UsWeekly repeated that rumor last week. Adrienne wasn't ready to talk about it, but then Life & Style waved a check at her and suddenly she was ready! Adrienne says that her and her now estranged husband Paul did use a surrogate to have their twin boys, but she didn't use one because she didn't want to get fat. They used a surrogate because she had a lot of complications when she was pregnant with her fist kid. Adrienne was waiting until her twins were older to tell them that they didn't bake in her uterus, but Brandi took that away from her!!!!!!!!!

“I would think Brandi, being a single mother, would have a heart and understand my feelings, where I’m coming from. Brandi took away something so precious from our family. Brandi did destroy our family. Right now I’m really hurt and upset, especially because I’ve stuck up for Brandi as a mother in the past.”

When Life & Style asked Brandi for a response, she just shrugged and said that everybody knew about it, but Adrienne always lied and said that she's the one who carried her twins.

So the huge slanderous scandal is that Adrienne used a surrogate? The hell kind of scandal is that? Even if Adrienne used a surrogate because she didn't want to get fat, who cares? It's not a big deal and it's not bleep-worthy. Besides, I really thought most rich ass women in Beverly Hills used surrogates. You know, I thought they all had a room in their 50,000 square foot mansions that housed a surrogate carrying their baby, a Petri growing their next face and a lab rat with their new labia on its back.

Only on the desperate streets of L.A. can a love between a Ron Perlman-looking ass fame whore and a bloated bag of bad decisions bloom from the sidewalk cracks in front of a Beverly Hills restaurant. Adrienne Maloof of The Really Plastic Faces of Beverly Hills ended her marriage to Magilla Gorilla's midget brother about six months ago and she's already bought gotten herself a new piece of ass.

In front of Crustacean in Beverly Hills last night, Adrienne and Rod Stewart's son Sean Stewart made cameras barf by giving the paps a cuddle and kiss show. Adrienne's mug looks like that of a mauled cougar, so she's finally living up to her face by getting with a dude who's 19 years younger than her. You can tell by Sean's body language that he's really into her. He looks like he's recoiling hard on the inside. It's like he's got the vomits and diarrhea at the same time and isn't sure which end is going to shoot the shit first. That is a sign of real love.

And isn't Sean supposedly sober now? Well, there goes his sobriety, because nothing will make you want to smoke crack out of a dirty pipe like waking up to Adrienne Maloof's shellacked face.

The divorce between The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Adrienne Maloof and Paul Nassif is starting to get uglier than her plastic toddler penis nose. On the next season of RHOBH, expect to see a scene where Camille Grammer sits across Paul in Lisa Vanderpump's living room and says, "We don't say that she hits you! Or that she beat you up! Or that she hits you! We don't say that, but now we said it!" Because Paul claims that Adrienne has beat his ass several times.

TMZ says that in court today, Paul's lawyers accused Adrienne of calling him "stupid, dumb and an idiot" in front of their kids. Paul also claims that Adrienne has physically attacked him a few times and one time, she secretly pulled his gun out of his briefcase and took a picture of it. Paul doesn't know why Adrienne took a picture of the gun and he also didn't say why his ass keeps a gun in an unlocked briefcase. Paul also says that Adrienne is trying to smear his name by leaking shit about him and their kids to the media.

But Adrienne figuratively took off one of the shit shoes she designed and threw it at Paul by claiming he's beaten on her ass a few times, has gotten violent with their kids and that he almost killed their kids during a camping trip. I'll let TMZ explain the rest of this mess to you:

She cites an incident last month in which she claims Paul was drinking while operating a Kayak and one of the kids who was in the watercraft fell into the water.

She also claims 3 years ago he lost one of their kids for 45 minutes in the wilderness during a camping trip, because he failed to supervise him.

And recently there was a fire across the street and she claims he did nothing to help the kids evacuate.

Wait. So as a parent, you're expected to stay sober while operating a Kayak and you have to keep track of your kids during a camping trip and when there's a fire across the street you have to evacuate them first before evacuating your most precious belongings (aka my bong and stash)? Count me out of that game, because that is too much to ask.

Adrienne is a whole lot of crazy in a melting plastic lion mask and Paul is crazy for marrying her. The judge should do the right thing by granting full custody of their kids to Giggy.

Blind item solved! The almost 10-year-old marriage between The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Adrienne Maloof and her plastic surgeon husband Dr. Paul Nassif has died just like your morning appetite after seeing this picture of him shoot cream into her mouth with his skin gun.

Those of you who actually watch The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills aren't exactly choking on shock over Paul filing for legal separation, because: a) Who gives a shit? b) Reality shit shows kill marriages faster than Kristen Stewart's home wrecking slow whore mouth; and c) Adrienne treats Paul like he's a piece of shit hanging at the end of her Botox needle. Although, in Adrienne's defense, if my plastic surgeon husband helped to make me look like a half-melting Ron Perlman as The Beast action figure, I too would treat him like shit.

Adrienne tells Radar that she's really sad about this news she's splitting with Paul for the sake of her children, "I'm so sorry that this is happening but my children are my life and sometimes we need to do what's best for them. It's an unfortunate situation but, I have to have my kids best interest at heart."

"My kids best interest at heart"? This Mufasa-faced bitch can't be serious. She needs to stop injecting her face with RestyCollaBotoxwhatever and shoot her face up with a CLUE instead. Because if she really cared about her kids' best interest, she wouldn't embarrass them by sticking tinsel extensions in her hair all the time. No grown woman should have hair like a My Little Pony's ass. Bitch thinks she's Spectra.

I've never noticed this before, but Brandi Glanville could totally do Eddie Cibrian in his butt hole dimples with her cheeks. That's a sign of true compatibility. Oh, well.

Anyway, thanks to such classic lines as "At least I don't do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch," Brandi Glanville was promoted from part-time foolery maker to full-time foolery make on the next season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills which is shooting right now. Brandi replaced Camille Grammer, because the producers felt the silicone dragon flower got boring and they knew Brandi will bring the dramatic bitch theatrics. But Brandi has been demoted back down to the second string after her ex-piece Eddie Cibrian refused to let their kids be a part of the show. I see you, Eddie, trying to screw with Brandi's money.

A source tells Radar that Brandi was surprised by Eddie shaking his head to no that shit, because their boys have been on camera briefly before (see: that episode where Brandi's son became a human piss sprinkler on Adrienne's lawn). The source also said, “Bravo wanted her to have her kids on the show in order to expand story lines. But Leann and Eddie wouldn't allow it. Brandi didn’t expect that LeAnn and Eddie would have objections since the kids have been on the show before, but they did. Eddie said they did not want the children on camera on a regular basis. So Bravo said that Brandi would have to stay ‘friend' and not become an official ‘housewife.’"

First of all, what does LeAnn have to do with this? It's not like LeAnn is threatening to hoof Eddie in his home breaking dick rod if he doesn't keep Brandi down (it's totally like that). Second of all, kids should be banned from every Real Housewives show, because they ruin that shit. I can barely sit through an episode of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey, because Gorilla Head is always whoring out her screaming, tutu-wearing spoiled snowflakes. I don't want to see them trying to be models and I really don't want to see them sing songs they wrote. Keep that shit on TLC where it belongs. Some hos purposefully don't have kids to avoid scenes like that. Most of the time, when a child starts singing, that's my cue to exit. One time I was on a subway platform and some kid and his father started singing songs for coins. I almost took the wrong train going ANYWHERE to get away from that ear-curling sound. Now I know why my mom asked if there was an open bar every time I invited her to one of my school recitals.

What I'm trying to say is that wings must have sprouted from Eddie's back, because obviously pigs can fly since he's actually making good decisions.

On the first season of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills, the porcelain cartoon dragon wrapped in candle wax that is Camille Grammar was a crazy-eyed beautiful flower of delusion who nearly melted her arch rival Kyle into a puddle with her insane glare before pouring that puddle into the sacks in her chest. On the second season, the sweet feeling of freedom and a pool full of money she got in her divorce from Kelsey Grammar calmed Camille's craziness and she was suddenly the reasonable voice of reason. Basically, Camille went from GIF-able to boring (but astonishingly gorgeous) as fuck. So because of this, Bravo has decided to let go of these hot, hot, hot moves:

Even though the rumor is that Bravo dropped Camille for a ho who can really bring the foolery in season 3, a source tells People that she's the one who jazz walked away:

"She's been in discussions and at the end decided she wasn't willing to expose her personal life anymore. She's at peace with her decision. She's in a great place in her life right now. She's grown a lot in this past year and she's made some wonderful friendships [on the show]. It has steered her life in a direction she never imagined. She's ready for new challenges."

Camille is a gold digger at heart and you have to pay to get a piece of her pube-singeing dance moves, so I'm guessing that cheap ass Bravo refused to write the correct dollar amount on her paycheck. Good decision, Camille. Camille doesn't need the money, fame and she really doesn't need to put her moneymaker (aka her stunning face) in danger, because it's only a matter of time before Taylor Armstrong self-destructs and blows up sending gallons of Juvederm flying everywhere. It's Bravo's loss. I don't know how they let go of a beauty who smartly uses her fingers to cover up a letter, so it looks like she's licking on a cup of soft serve jizz.

If any of the Richards sisters should get a book deal it's that spastic rouge stain Kim Richards and her book should be titled: 101 Excuses You Can Use To Get Out Of Leaving Your Damn House. But for some bizarre reason, Kyle Richards is the one putting out a book that literally nobody will read. Maybe the discount bin at Barnes & Nobles needs filling. I don't know, but in Kyle's stupid book she drops corroded pearls of dumb wisdom on marriage and cheating. Kyle thinks that if you should "accidentally" fall on the lubed-up fuck parts of a piece that isn't your spouse, you should swallow that secret and take it to your grave. Kyle and her husband of 17 years Mauricio were on Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) today and she explained what she meant by that shit:

"I've seen circumstances with people that I know are in love with their spouse and they made one mistake and I said -- this is somebody that I know, nobody that anybody knows here, 'Listen, if this really was a one time mistake, and you did not put this person in jeopardy,' I personally think you should deal with it with yourself and with God and not go and say: 'Honey look what I did,' because I knew that this would ruin their relationship and their life.

And I can tell you that many, many, many years later they're happy and together and she did make that mistake and she has to carry that and live with that."

First of all, why is this free lunch version of Demi Moore giving marital advice? The only advice this ho should be giving is how to pick the perfect pair of sunglasses to make you look like a deranged bee from the future (seriously, all of her sunglasses are so fug). But I guess what Kyle is really trying to tell us is that Mauricio's dick is covered in the remnants of dried side piece juice. What Kyle is also trying to tell us is that if a tree fucks your husband in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it doesn't make a sound.

So the moral of the story is, don't let your husband go into the forest unless you don't care if he fucks tree. Right?

When even the powerful healing touch of Detective La Toya can't rebuke the demons out of you, it's time to pack up your exquisite pearl choker and matching cuff, and get your serial killer-faced boyfriend to drive you to rehab. This is exactly what Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has done. Anybody who watches that mess isn't surprised since Kim has barely been in any scenes lately. And when she is in a scene, she's scrambled in the brains and is about as coherent as a drunk Jerri Blank reading spam e-mails. Entertainment Tonight confirms that 47-year-old Kim is drying out at a clinic somewhere.

Kim went to rehab after the first season aired and it's not known what she's being treated for this time, but she told Adrienne's husband on a past episode that there's a Lexapro, Trazadone and Topamax party in her body.

Well, if rehab doesn't work this time at least she gets a break from packing and unpacking boxes. Seriously, Kim is always packing and unpacking. When Kim isn't weeping out memories while packing a keepsake from her childhood, she's calling the other housewives to tell them that she can't come to their stupid event because she's too busy packing! Bitch should go work for Moishes Movers. I bet Kim isn't in rehab for a pill popping addiction. She's in there for her addiction to PACKING!!!

It was very gracious of The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Juicy Delicious and Theresa Giudice to donate the money* InTouch paid them for their fake second wedding pictures to help their relatives at the Save the Gorillas Sanctuary, but she really should've used that money to pay a professional who won't fix a short sale wig to the top of her head with slow-drying carpenter's glue. That hairline looks like the crusty edges of a lasagna that was baked in a way too small dish. Just crusty, thirsty and jagged for no reason.

Theresa, please dab a little marinara sauce on your hairline so that one of your hyperactive gremlins can nibble the foolery out of it. That way it can sort of look like something that came from nature.

* They didn't do that.

via ONTD