Reality TV

Naomi Campbell's rep confirms to the Daily Mail (via Vogue UK) that she in talks to host and judge a new X-Factor style modeling show. Think of it as America's Next Top Model as seen through the eyes of Stephen King. Shit's going to be a MASSACUH.

Naomi's spokeswhore would only say, "Naomi has been approached with an offer, which we are talking about and discussing. An initial approach has been made. We are discussing that offer, but nothing is set in stone yet."

Well jam that bitch into a rock, because this needs to happen. Seeing Naomi attack wannabe models will make my cunt cells explode. Hopefully, they give every contestant a helmet, because you know Naomi is going to eliminate girls by beating them in the head with her Blackberry.

And instead of "smizin," Naomi is going to expect those little hos to "shit bricks with their eyez" every time she rounds the corner. Shitzin!

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?

If you fart really loud in a crowded room, a TV executive will pitch you a reality show about it, so it's no surprise that Balloon Boy's family might get a reality show out of all this fuckery. TMZ says that the Heene family began pitching a reality show to the networks months ago. They billed themselves as a "wacky family," and approached the company who produces Wife Swap. When they got shot down there, they took their idea to TLC. TLC confirmed that the Heenes did come at them, but their show idea was turned down.

Since all the networks farted on their idea, maybe the Heenes felt they needed to pull some real shit to get noticed. The "popping a kindergarten class out of your vagina" thing has already been done, so they got creative. However, the police announced today that they completely believe that it was not a hoax and that the Heenes are telling the truth. The police also confirmed that after the balloon went up in the air, Daddy Heenes called 911 first and then called a local TV station. Daddy Heenes told the cops that he knew the local news station had a helicopter and could monitor the balloon. The police will interview the family again tomorrow after all the morning vomit has cleared.

So back to the reality show thing, I think we all should get one. ALL OF US! I mean, I should be able to turn on my TV and see you in your cubicle reading this while scratching your crotch and smelling it. You should be able to watch me pluck my nose hairs in the morning and eat microwaveable oatmeal out of a large yogurt container. Reality shows for everyone!

But if the Heenes MUST be on a reality show, they obviously need to go on Hoarders. Here's their garage:

After they are done with Hoarders. They can pay a little visit to Intervention. Their addiction? FAMEWHOOOOORING.

Cyndi Lauper had the frowns in NYC the other day for two reasons: a) Captain Lou went off to heaven and b) Cyndi has to look at Donald Trump's hairy hemorrhoid head for the next few weeks. You see, Cyndi is part of the cast of Celebrity Apprentice which started shooting this week. And by the looks on some of their faces you can tell they wish they were being shot...literally.

The rest of the cast includes Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, his My Little Bandanna Weave, Curtis Stone, Rod Blagojevich, Maria Kanellis (some WWE chick), Holly Robinson Peete, Darryl Strawberry, Bill Goldberg (some wrestler-type), Carol Leifer, and Summer Sanders (a gold medalist swimmer).

Hopefully, Tilda Swinton will find a way to break into the boardroom (Tip to Tilda: Disguise yourself as Ivanka's old nose) to wreak havoc.

31-year-old Jake Pavelka, who was dumped on The Bachelorette last season, will be the next "Bachelor." ABC made the announced last night during Dancing with the Fallen Stars. Jake will be the ten millionth piece of broccoli who will pretend to date a group of ladies, then pretend to propose to one, then pretend to have a relationship with her, then pretend to dump her a few months later after their contract ends.

Jake told People that he can't wait to find "the one," “I’ve dated some really amazing girls, but I’ve never been successful at finding that one girl. and I saw how the whole thing comes together, the process with Jillian. I saw how the process works and I believe in it. That’s a unique way to meet somebody.”

You know what's also a unique way to meet somebody, Jake? Stick your peen in a hole and see who licks it. Try it sometime.

And I'm okay with ABC continuing to cast bowls of lukewarm oatmeal as The Bachelor, as long as they also continue to cast crazy bitches who have an endless supply of dresses from the prom section at JcPenney.

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

TMZ says that K-WellFed is trying to drop the chunk on the new season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club along with his original baby mama Shar Jackson, Nicole Eggert and Bobby Brown. Yes, KFed and Bobby Brown in the same cast. Hell to the BARF! I really hope there are zero scenes involving Bobby Brown pushing out one of KFed's shamu-sized doody bubbles. Poopoono.

I'm guessing that the executives at McDonald's, Arby's, Church's, KFC, Taco Bell and (insert the name of every single restaurant here) are plucking out their nipple hairs over this in an emergency meeting. Because if KFed is off the deliciousness, that means their stock will plummet and cheeseburgers will sit untouched under the heat lamps for daaaaaays. This is not what the economy needs right now.

Last week, Page Six printed this blind item:

Which womanizing crooner has been dating a reality TV starlet for more than two years, putting her up in hotels wherever he travels for shows.

According to Janet Charlton, the two twats hiding under that blind item are none-other-than manskank John Mayer and that Kristin Calamariorwhatever from Laguna Beach and The Hills. Apparently, John and Kristin have been sexing on the down low for two years. They usually bump assholes at the house of a mutual friend in the Hollywood Hills. Ick. Nast. I hope that their friend loves the rancid scent of 4-week-old menstrual fluid, desperation and old teeth on their sheets. And I'm only talking about John Mayer's stench!

Janet says that John and Kristin are ready to become more than fuck buddies and might take their "relationship" public. So, if this is true, then that means while John was dating Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston, he was humping on reality trash on the side? I hope that when she quit John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston got a priest to perform an exorcism to rid her body of the douche demons. And I also hope she soaked in a tub full of liquid Valtrex.

I mean, is there anything John Mayer won't fuck on? If the crusty loogie I coughed up this morning had at least 1 reality show credit to its name, John would be on it!

When Jasmine Fiore was murdered and the now dead Ryan Jenkins was named as her alleged killer, Vh1 immediately liquefied Megan Wants a Millionaire and injected it into Daisy De La Hoya's face lips. Vh1 has no plans to ever air Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, because the rumor is that Ryan won both shows. But it's not over for Megan! The famewhore will always rise above! According to Radar Online, she's about to whore it up some more in another reality show for Vh1.

A source (aka Lily her chihuahua) said that after Vh1 canceled her show, they promised her another one if she kept her whore mouth shut about the Fiore murder. The source went on to say that we won't see a re-do of Megan Wants a Millionaire, because her new show won't focus on dating stuff. They haven't completely decided what kind of show it will be.

We all knew we would see Megan's stale dumpling face again. You can spray the Vh1 roaches with RAID and try to flatten them with your chankla, but they will always come back. Hopefully, Vh1 gives us what we really want to see: An entire reality show featuring Sharon Osbourne beating Megan's ass over and over and over and over again. Megan Wants A Beat Down!

UPDATE: According to Vh1, this story is false and they have not given Megan another show.

Ryan Jenkins is dead and now Vh1 doesn't know what to do with I Love Money 3. They've already completely canceled Megan Wants a Millionaire and has will not show anymore episodes anywhere. Let's just pretend that dumb ass Megan realized Donald was the sugar pepaw for her, brought him back and chose him in the end. They are now living together in a retirement community in Boca. Fin.

But back to I Love Money 3. The rumor going around is that Ryan won the grand prize, but Vh1 would not co-sign that claim. A spokeswhore for the show did say that Ryan showed up to their production offices on August 12th to pick up a check for $5,200, which was his fee for appearing on ILM3. The show is scheduled to debut in January, but Vh1 is still on the fence on whether or not it will ever see the light of day.

If VH1 isn't going to release ILM3 into the wild, they better not even tell us who was in that shit. Because if I find out that my icon DJ Lady Tribe graced the show with her high-levels of drunk sluttiness, I will find a way to break into their archives, so that I can watch this shit. Seriously, I'll hide in New York's tuck area and let her smuggle me in.

UPDATE: Vh1 released this statement about the fate of I Love Money 3, "Just in case you missed it, we’re sad to announce that the fate of both Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3 have been determined: both have been canceled and will not make it to air."

Source: The NY Times