Reeva Steenkamp

Not that shooting your girlfriend for any reason makes sense, but you know. Oscar Pistorius was in court today to be officially charged with premeditated murder and during the hearing his lawyer read a statement written by him. It turns out the burglar story that the media was throwing around is the story that Oscar is going with.

Oscar says that the night before the murder, he and his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp spent the night at his house. She did yoga, he watched TV and afterward they went to sleep together. Oscar said in his statement that he knows everybody gets robbed in his neighborhood and he has gotten several death threats before, so he keeps a 9mm pistol under his bed.  In the early morning on February 14th, Oscar woke up to close the balcony door when he heard a noise in the bathroom. Now a normal person who thinks normally would just assume that their piece was taking a middle of the night piss. But Oscar, who wasn't wearing his legs at the same, got scared, grabbed his gun from under the bed and went to the bathroom.

Oscar claims he didn't turn the lights on, but he did shout at the person in the bathroom. When he didn't hear anything back, he shot through the bathroom door several times. Oscar went back to the bed and realized that Reeva was in it. So he put on his legs, beat the locked bathroom door open with a cricket bat, called the paramedics and then carried her down the stairs. Oscar says that she died in his arms.

Oscar says he now knows that Reeva went to use the bathroom when he went to close the balcony door. He claims he's innocent and that he never meant to kill Reeva, because he was in love with her and shit.

The prosecutors were not moved and they told the court that Oscar meant to kill Reeva. Bail was denied and Oscar will stay in a cell.

Most of that shit makes no sense and if Oscar claimed that aliens with guns from District 9 killed her, I'd believe that story before I'd believe the story he told in court. Reeva really didn't shout back when he shouted at her through the bathroom door? And when he went to get the gun from under his bed, he didn't notice that she wasn't in it anymore? Is Jodi Arias on his defense team, because that story is a full-on fairytale.

All the times that I got up in the middle of the night to take a 2am piss, the piece in my bed would either stay sleeping or tell me to piss quieter. I guess I should feel lucky that he never shot my ass.

Click here to read Oscar's full statement if that's what you need today.

And here comes that ROID RAGE defense everybody knew was coming.

"Police sources" are still whispering into the ears of the media in South Africa and one police source says that a bloody cricket bat and some steroids were found in Oscar Pistorius' house. The source tells The City Press that Reeva Steenkamp's skull was crushed and so police are doing tests on the cricket bat to see if Oscar Pistorius beat her with it. They are also testing Oscar Pistorius' blood to see if roids were in his system that night.

The source tells The City Press that the police are starting to piece together the events of that night. They think that Reeva and Oscar got into a fight in his bedroom and he either used the cricket bat to beat her or she used the cricket bat to defend herself. The police found a cartridge in his bedroom, so they think he shot at her upstairs and then chased her to the bathroom where he shot through the door. Oscar reportedly called his father after the shooting and told his sister Aimee that he mistook Reeva for a burglar. Oscar's burglar defense makes so much sense, because Reeva was wearing a nightie at the time and we know that most thieves where flowy nighties when they rob a bitch.

Reeva's overnight bag and her iPad were found on the floor of Oscar's bedroom. The Daily Mail says that the media in South African is speculating that Reeva and Oscar might've fought about one of her ex-pieces. One source claims that right before she was murdered, Reeva got a text message on her iPad from her rugby playing ex-boyfriend Francois Hougaard. Francois' agent told the media to leave him out of this tragedy, because it had nothing to do with him.

And the South African media is really trying to outdo the Taiwanese CGI wizards, because they recreated the night of Reeva's murder in a comic strip. How do you say "I can't" in Afrikaans?

It was reported earlier that when the security guards from Oscar Pistorius' gated complex showed up to his house after he shot his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, they found him kneeling next to her body in the bathroom. But the South African newspaper Beeld (via NYDN and the Telegraph) says that during Oscar's hearing yesterday, prosecutors said that when the security guards showed up to his house, he was running down the stairs with Reeva in his arms and he was trying to do CPR on her. Yeah, I think my brain just twisted all the way around while trying to picture Oscar running down the stairs while holding Reeva and trying to give her mouth-to-mouth at the same time.

The police aren't saying shit about this, because they're currently in the middle of an investigation. But a source close to the investigation is opening their mouth to Beeld. They said that the police believe Reeva was sitting on the toilet when Oscar shot bullets through the bathroom door. Neighbors called the police two hours before the shooting after they heard people arguing in Oscar's house. The police are also talking to Oscar's ex-girlfriend who made "vague" abuse allegations against him to a local newspaper.

And TMZ says Reeva was a domestic abuse advocate and the day she was murdered, she was supposed to talk to students at a local high school about how she got away from an abusive ex-boyfriend.

Now if you'll excuse me if I have try to find a way to untwist my brain.

via Deadspin