Rehab

Last month, cops found meth in the home of Ryan O'Neal. Both Ryan and his 23-year-old son Redmond were arrested. No charges have been filed against them yet.

Yesterday in court, Redmond told a judge that he had relapsed and wanted help. The judge sentenced him to two weeks in rehab. The judge said, "You're a stand-up guy to come here and deal with your problem. I want you to stay clean…You better stay clean or the hammer is going to fall."

Let's see, Redmond was already on probation for DUI and meth possession, but a judge just sentenced him to two weeks in rehab?! I'm going to have to quote Tammy from the Real World: Los Angeles again, "It wasn't not funny!" No, it was not. If you or I got caught with meth, we'd be doing ass-to-mouth in the slammer right now! Our assholes would be held together with masking tape from being passed around so much.

The judge should have thrown all of them in jail. Redmond, Ryan and Tatum! Redmond will be released from rehab in two weeks and he will hop directly back on the meth train. Trust.

That being said, Redmond is a wittle hot, right? Well, you know how I feel about the ginges. I gots gingah fevah!

Don't you wonder what his carrot stick looks like? It's probably a little soggy from all the meth use, but I'm sure it has potential.

Ladies and whores! Grease up your genitals and wash out your no-no hole with Listerine, because David Duchovny is out of sex rehab and ready to party! David was photographed with Tea Leoni at the Czech Days Festival in NYC on Saturday. Doesn't he look fucking thrilled to be out?

Tea and David watched a performance and then ate Czech pancakes. Oh, I'm sure he did. I'm sure he ate the fuck out of those pancakes and rubbed his tongue all over them until Tea quietly pulled him aside and made his peen count to ten.

Sex rehab hasn't been good to David's looks. Bitch is looking a little craggy in the face. This is what a dude's mug looks like after his peen hasn't barfed for a while. Dry spell face. Hopefully, David is all better now and will stop abusing the sexy times. The sexy times is your friend, David. Don't hurt it.

Source VIA venusflesh@ONTD

David Duchovny's sex addiction might involve more than just massive amounts of skin polishing in front of his computer. Earlier this week, one of David's friends said he was in rehab to treat his addiction to online porn and that he never cheated on Tea Leoni. Well, some other bitches say differently.

One bitch told The National Enquirer (via NYDN) that David's penis did wander away from Tea and she found out about it. Tea made David choose between getting treatment or ending their marriage. David finally put his cock back in his pants and shuffled off to rehab in Wickenburg, Arizona.

Another ho told UsWeekly that David has a long history of boinking vagina he's not married to. David has a hard time turning down skanks who throw themselves at him. He even started hooking up with extras on the set of "Californication."

It doesn't really matter if David's problem is too much porny or too much pussay. It only matters that he's getting help for it. And on an unrelated note, does anyone know how I can become an extra on "Californication"? I could use the extra peen money.

David Duchovny is currently cooling his genitals in rehab because he's addicted to porn. On Thursday, David's rep announced that he checked into a facility to receive treatment for sex addiction. A friend tells Fox News that David never cheated on Tea Leoni unless cyber fucking counts as cheating. David has "The Peter Cook Disease." He loves to surf and stroke.

The friend said that David spends hours rubbing his dick raw while browsing chat rooms and looking at internet porn. Quick! Check all the responses from your Craigslist "Casual Encounters" ad (I know you have one). You might have gotten a response from Agent Mulder! Even better, Mulder might have knocked one off to your picture. You should be proud.

And didn't Agent Mulder have a thing about porn on "The X-Files"? David! Don't take your work home with you.

David's friend also said that he only announced he was in rehab for sex addiction because a patient at the clinic he's in was about to leak the story to the press. David "beat" him to the punch. And then he beat it some more. And some more. And a little more.

David Duchovny has checked into rehab because he loves to do ze sexy times way too much. Like WAY too much. Like he's addicted to fucking. I guess that's a bad thing? David issued this statement to People:

"I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."

48-year-old David has been married to Tea Leoni for over 10 years. They have two kiddies together. David currently plays a shameless man whore on the show "Californication." Maybe this shit is research?

The first thing I thought when I read this was, "I'll be your enabler. Use your addiction on me! My no-no hole can take it. It's made of iron. You're Wino and I'm your crack pipe. Now smooooke me."

Then I thought that some scandalous shit must be on its way. I mean, when a celebrity bitch gets a DUI, they automatically check into rehab. David must have been caught with his chonies down. I just hope that shit was caught on high-definition!

The Crackie of Camden is expected to check into a rehab facility near the prison where Blaaaake is currently serving time. At least when she screams "Blaaaake" out of her window, he can actually hear her. The Sun reports that Amy Wino will get treatment at a clinic in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. And by "treatment" I mean do drugs and eat ice pops.

Russell Brand suggested the joint to Wino's people, because it's close to Blaaaake. Russell beat his own addictions at the clinic. Are we sure that Wino and Russell aren't long-lost twin crackies? They have the same crack's nest sitting on their head. Someone should investigate.

Of course, Mitch Wino had something to say about this. The man must have every newspaper, radio station and TV show on speed dial. He said, “This is a very good idea. If she can get clean and still see Blake it can only be good.” You know what's a better idea? Mitch Wino sticking his fat ass head in quick sand.

A puny rehab clinic is not going to solve Wino's problems. Hazmat and the Catholic Church should really consider teaming up and opening their own rehab facility just for Wino. She needs a good spray down and a few exorcisms to set her straight.

Andy Dick has checked into rehab. Well, television rehab anyway. TMZ reports that Dick has joined the cast of "Sober Living." I'm not sure, but I think this is a spin-off of Vh1's "Celebrity Rehab." Dr. Drew is supposedly involved in "Sober Living" which will take a group of has-been pieces of trash and stick them in a Beverly Hills mansion without drugs or booze. Basically, it's "The Surreal Life" without alcohol. Please, you know these crackies will suck the freon out of the a/c or sniff oven cleaner to get high.

Sources say Dick decided he needed rehab after he was arrested outside of a Buffalo Wild Wings over a week ago. Dick will be paid for his involvement in the show.

Watching Andy Dick get sober on reality TV is going to be disgusting. Yes, I have to watch because I'm a glutton for punishment. Fuck, I even watched "Faces of Death" the other day and I have no idea why. Something tells me "Sober Living" will be more disturbing than "Faces of Death."

Oh and Andy Dick totally looks like a female-to-male tranny in the picture above.

Image: Fame Pictures

You know, if Heather Locklear went back to that look above, all her problems would go away. That right there is sheer glamour. Actually, I think her hair is still kind of like that.

People reports that Heather has completed four weeks of treatment for anxiety and depression. Friends told People that she spent her time at the Arizona facility riding horses, getting spa treatments and hanging out with herself. That's called a fucking vacation. A really nice vacation. A really nice and expensive vacation.

One of Heather's friends said that she's doing much better, "She told a really funny story and she laughed from her core. That's when I knew she was going to be fine. I think that's the best part of all – it's so nice to hear her laugh." The joke probably involved Denise Richards' weepy snatch, an otter and a few dozen truckers. And when the friend said "she laughed from her core," does that mean she laughed so hard she pooped herself? I do that all the time.

Welcome back, Heather! It's time to get back to work. And I'm talking about a "Melrose Place" spin-off! If they can do it with "90210," they can do it with MP!

61-year-old Ronnie Wood checked his old ass into the tank yesterday, weeks after he ran away with some 20-year-old slut!

Ronnie spokesbitch confirmed it, “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol he has entered a period of rehab.” Ronnie was reportedly drinking up to 2 bottles of vodka a day. Ronnie also wants to save his marriage of 23 years, but his wifey isn't having it. Jo Wood refuses to visit him and will only talk to his crater face once he sobers up. Jo has also left England to get her shit together in Barcelona.

Even though Ronnie wants his wife back, he's still talking to Ekaterina Ivanova. The Mirror claims he tried to smuggle in a cell phone just so he could text her. Please tell me he didn't hide the phone in his pepaw hole. Naw, that wouldn't work. It would just keep slipping out.

Why does he need to go to rehab? The Rolling Stones signed a deal with Lucifer. They are immortal. I mean, Keith Richards has been walking the earth for at least 300 years.

"Mary-Kate seriously needs to get to rehab, but she doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks she's young, hip and entitled to live her life as she sees fit. But it's affecting everything." That's what some inside source told Star Magazine. Why do inside sources always talk like entertainment reporters? Young and hip? Ew.

The source claims MK is one messy troll and that she's been partying all the time and binge drinking. Okay, "binge drinking" for her is probably like two sips of a beer a night. Seriously, that tiny troll totally gets drunk from just sniffing rubbing alcohol.

The source also said MK visited some holistic spa to detox, but that didn't stop her partying ways. Of course not! Detoxing is just to prepare yourself for the next round of binge drinking. Drop and reload!

Now I don't know if this messy troll needs rehab for booze problems, but she should seek help for wearing those Arthur the Aardvark sunglasses in public.

P.S. - I love the picture of Tommy Girl with Xenu handles. It gives John Travolta something to hold on to while he's riding that alien pony into the next dimension.