Richard Gere

Carole Mallory is an actress model type who was in a few movies in the 70s, but she's mostly known for kissing famous dudes and telling everyone about it. Carole put out a book a few years ago about her 8-year-long relationship with Norman Mailer, and now she's got a new book out about how she humped on Robert De Niro, Richard Gere and Peter Sellars back in the 70s. Carole was the premiere star fucker of the 1970s. Only the most famous and VIP of men were allowed into her coochie. There was a red velvet rope in front of it and everything. Like Studio 45! Carole Malley was the Superhead of her time.

Page Six, who published excerpts from the book, says that Carole started riding on Robert De Niro after she met him at the Chateau Marmont in 1975. They boned each other for two weeks straight and he never took his socks off:

“During lovemaking, he never stopped looking in my eyes. He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on. The following year he married Diahnne Abbott . . . I would have appreciated a phone call.”

Socks AND a butterfly tattoo? Robert De Niro was a 19-year-old trailer park slut circa 1997 before 19-year-old trailer park sluts circa 1997 existed! I really hope that butterfly tattoo is above his ass crack, because knowing that the Raging Bull has a tramp stamp would fulfill my life.

Carole also thought that Peter Sellars wore socks all the time too, until she realized that those weren't black fur socks over his feet. It was his foot fur:

“I kissed him all over his hairy body. He had hair everywhere. He even had it on his back. I liked it. He reminded me of a giant panda bear.”

I think Carole just came out as a Plushie.

And finally, Carole talks about how Richard Gere worked her like she was a pommel horse and it was his final event at the Olympics:

“His gymnastic skills were apparent. He made love his way . . . He didn’t withhold. He was Valentino in the flesh. A sex symbol not to be forgotten. Not to be lumped in with all the others, but to be remembered for his uniqueness. His thoughtfulness. His caring.”

Why do I picture Richard covering his hands with chalk powder before sex times and then doing flips all around Carole and stuff? I bet Béla Károlyi was in the corner, coaching him. But seriously, Richard wasn't doing gymnastics. The gerbil in his butt was just trying to get out, so he was squirming and doing all sorts of flips to push it back in. That's all!

Richard Gere, star of culturally important films like Shall We Dance, Nights in Rodanthe, Runaway Bride, Dr. T & the Women, Intersection and Autumn in New York is not feeling it for what is probably his most popular piece of work Pretty Woman. Some whores can quote every line in Pretty Woman from memory and some can even tell you the color order of the rubbers Vivian presents to Edward (I hate myself for this), but Richard hardly remembers that shit. It isn't because the mad gerbil disease he suffers from ate his memory. It's because Richard can't stand that movie, because he feels it glorifies Wall Street types. Richard said this mess of words to Woman's Day:

“People ask me about that movie, but I’ve forgotten it. That was a silly romantic comedy. This is a much more serious movie that has some real cause and effect. It made those guys seem dashing, which was so wrong. Thankfully, today, we are all more sceptical of those guys.”

Richard, please shut your hole on a gerbil. Bitch calls it a "silly romantic comedy" and then says it is a "much more serious movie"? I think one of those gerbils crawled up into his head and is now operating his brain. (UPDATE: That "much more serious" part was about the movie Richard is whoring out right now. So obviously I'm the one with a brain operating gerbil. Makes sense!)

Nobody took that movie seriously, because it's a fluffy piece of airy shit. I didn't watch that movie and think to myself, "When I grow up, I want to be a Hollywood Blvd. hooker so that I can meet a billionaire in a Lotus Esprit who will whisk me off to shopping montages set to a Roy Orbison song and defend my honor by beating up Jason Alexander." Okay, I did think that, but this just proves that Pretty Woman didn't glorify Wall Street types. It glorified pussy peddlers. Get it right, Richard!

Besides, how can that gerbil fucker knock a movie that exposed us to the brilliance of Snobby Saleswoman #2?

It's VEEEREEE expensive, Richard. You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!