Robert De Niro

Carole Mallory is an actress model type who was in a few movies in the 70s, but she's mostly known for kissing famous dudes and telling everyone about it. Carole put out a book a few years ago about her 8-year-long relationship with Norman Mailer, and now she's got a new book out about how she humped on Robert De Niro, Richard Gere and Peter Sellars back in the 70s. Carole was the premiere star fucker of the 1970s. Only the most famous and VIP of men were allowed into her coochie. There was a red velvet rope in front of it and everything. Like Studio 45! Carole Malley was the Superhead of her time.

Page Six, who published excerpts from the book, says that Carole started riding on Robert De Niro after she met him at the Chateau Marmont in 1975. They boned each other for two weeks straight and he never took his socks off:

“During lovemaking, he never stopped looking in my eyes. He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on. The following year he married Diahnne Abbott . . . I would have appreciated a phone call.”

Socks AND a butterfly tattoo? Robert De Niro was a 19-year-old trailer park slut circa 1997 before 19-year-old trailer park sluts circa 1997 existed! I really hope that butterfly tattoo is above his ass crack, because knowing that the Raging Bull has a tramp stamp would fulfill my life.

Carole also thought that Peter Sellars wore socks all the time too, until she realized that those weren't black fur socks over his feet. It was his foot fur:

“I kissed him all over his hairy body. He had hair everywhere. He even had it on his back. I liked it. He reminded me of a giant panda bear.”

I think Carole just came out as a Plushie.

And finally, Carole talks about how Richard Gere worked her like she was a pommel horse and it was his final event at the Olympics:

“His gymnastic skills were apparent. He made love his way . . . He didn’t withhold. He was Valentino in the flesh. A sex symbol not to be forgotten. Not to be lumped in with all the others, but to be remembered for his uniqueness. His thoughtfulness. His caring.”

Why do I picture Richard covering his hands with chalk powder before sex times and then doing flips all around Carole and stuff? I bet Béla Károlyi was in the corner, coaching him. But seriously, Richard wasn't doing gymnastics. The gerbil in his butt was just trying to get out, so he was squirming and doing all sorts of flips to push it back in. That's all!

The first line on the first page of every cell phone manual reads: "If Robert De Niro calls your ass, you either call him the hell back or drown yourself and this phone in the Hudson River." Well, Jay-Z broke that rule several times. ILLEGAL!

According to Page Six, Jay-Z agreed to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and Robert De Niro called him up several times to discuss it. Jay-Z never called him back. So at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday the other night, Robert De Niro wasn't going to act like everything is rainbow dicks and heart-shaped buttholes when Jay-Z strolled up to say hi. Some witness said that the entire party stopped to watch the Italian bull and the Brooklyn camel butt heads:

“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation. He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude. De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful. Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down. It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”

It's a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was too busy gorging himself on a Victoria's Secret Angel buffet to notice this fight, because it would've ruined his birthday.

The next time you see Jay-Z out in public, expect him to look like Michael Jackson, because when Robert De Niro shades you, you instantly come down with the worst case of Vitiligo ever. But really, who knew that Robert De Niro was so clingy. You'd think that after one unanswered call, he'd send Jay-Z a final message by putting one of Beyonce's wig heads in their bed.