Robin Wright

Earlier this year, "random" was redefined when pictures came out of Robin Wright lovingly popping a zit on Ben Foster's forehead (that's what she was doing, right?) in the middle of a restaurant in Australia. And here they are 10 months later, walking arm-in-arm in a parking lot after shopping at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, CA yesterday. So basically, this Christmas, Robin Wright gets to sit and spin on Ben Foster and as for Sean Penn....

In a South American hotel room, a high-priced pussy peddler is trying to contain her eye roll while a sweaty and naked Sean Penn lies in the fetal position in her arms and snorts out coke boogers while bawling about how nobody has ever truly loved him before. Grease and scalp cheese gets between her fingers as she strokes his oily mop and tries to shut his annoying ass up by letting out a quiet "shhhhh" every now and again. Earlier in the night when Sean munched her butt in between shouting, "Tell your comrade you love it, Hugo. Tell your comrade!", she thought that would be the worst part of their date, but she was wrong. Bitch is not getting paid enough to listen to Sean Penn's whining. Her Christmas is totally ruined.

Looking like Alf with a Katt Williams wig on, Sean Penn is on the cover of Esquire magazine and he also talked to them about all the matters of his corroded douche bag heart. Sean Penn was married to Robin Wright for 14 years and they have two kids together, but he tells Esquire that he doesn't feel she truly, really loved him. When Sean and Robin got divorced, he realized that their love was fraudulent and she really wasn't into being married to him (do you blame her?). Here's the Woe-ing of Sean Penn:

“There is no shame in saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don’t feel I’ve ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, 'What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way?' Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.”

Sean Penn doesn't think he's very bitter? If I dipped his dick in a cup of muddled sugar cubes and whiskey, I'd have an old-fashioned. I shouldn't say that. We should all feel sorry for poor, unloved Sean Penn. When Sean Penn tied Madonna to a chair after slapping her around, he looked into her eyes and she didn't give him a look of love. She never loved him! When Sean Penn used to spoon with Hugo Chavez in a tent in the middle of a jungle Venezuela, Hugo would pull away after a few minutes. He never loved him! When Sean Penn would come home smelling like random twat and Robin would sneer at him, she did it with disgust and not love. She never loved him! Sean Penn doesn't beat bitches up because he's a raging anus. He does it because he's acting out over not being loved. When is somebody going to love Sean Penn?!

But you know, if Sean Penn wants to be loved, he needs to take a trip to him first. Because if he doesn't love himself, who will? And based on that haircut, he obviously doesn't love himself.