Ryan Lochte

Mike Jerrick and Sheinelle Jones of Fox29's Good Day Philadelphia became American treasures over a year ago when they clowned the Kartrashians right after interviewing those trash heap heffas and they're at it again.

Ryan Lochte was on Good Day Philadelphia to pimp out his new reality shit show on E! and not only did he answer the question "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" (answer: pretty much anything but a math problem), but he also answered the question, "What happens when chlorine fries a human a brain?" Mike and Sheinelle asked the swimming world's answer to Chrissy Snow some basic questions and you can practically feel the power draining from the Dollar Tree AA batteries in his head.

Ryan told Mike and Sheinelle that he's not like other Olympians, because he likes to go out and have fun, and he also said that "if you're a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning." All sarcasm aside, that is a really good line. "Man At Night, Man In The Morning" is totally going to be the title of the next Bond movie. Alcide from True Blood should ask Ryan if it's okay if you're a man at night and a man in the morning, but a wolf in between? Ryan needs to clear that up.

Ryan wasn't even the best part of this interview. The best part came when they said goodbye to Ryan and Sheinelle nearly laughed her lash off and snorted. Mike and Sheinelle are so wrong and so right.

Here's the full interview in all its awkward glory:

I shouldn't even make fun of pretty, simple Ryan, because this was me during every job interview I ever had.

And here's the human DURRRR talking to the human dingle Mario Lopez on Extra yesterday.

I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances they're snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their "music issue." We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I'm going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.

ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana's Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson's Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce's Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry's One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC's Ultimate Run DMC cover.

To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.

-"Iconic Nirc-vana"

- "The cover is definitely global, brah."

- "If you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am."

- "He's chasing after a dollar bill. So he's always on the grind."

- "Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water."

- "Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn't have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning."

- [Blinks five times in two seconds] "Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."

- "Hopefully everyone's reaction when they see it, they'll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot."

I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte's mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It's worse than brain freeze.

But that shit aside, it wasn't not funny that Ryan Lochte's Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn't wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn't want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that's probably not it.

If it wasn't for that People logo sitting in the corner, you'd probably think this picture was from a Playgirl magazine spread circa 1989 or a picture of Mr. July in Bel Ami's "Porn Bottoms of the Past" calendar. But no, this is one of People's Sexiest Men Alive, Ryan Lochte, just doing a little posing before taking his Doberman out for a sexy boat ride. The Photoshop in this one is ALIVE. I don't know if I should blame Ryan or Photoshop for that uneven self-tanner situation, those toddler bangs and the severe lack of bulge. Couldn't they use the Jon Hamm tool on Ryan's crotch area? It's not right that his Olympic ring tattoo has three dicks, but he looks like he has not a one.

But who needs a bulge when you've got a dog as a wingman? Ryan told People that his Olympic gold medals don't lure the ladies in, his dog does:

"He is a good wingman because he's a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, 'Oh my god, where's Carter? He's so good looking!' He's my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I'll be set."

I was going to say that it must be really weird for Carter watching Ryan strike an awkward pose like this, but that dog is probably used to it. Ryan sleeps like this and lies on the couch like this. You never know when a Playgirl photographer is going to bust through the door, so you should always be pose-ready.

If I could read dog minds through a still picture, I'd probably hear Carter say, "No, bitch, I'm not going to paint you like one of my French girls. Stop asking and stop doing that."

Ryan Lochte's sister Megan isn't a racist or a dim piece of trash who makes her brother look like Mensa's golden child. Megan is actually just a sociological performance artist who was playing a racist character to show society how ignorant some can people be toward other cultures. We're the dumb bitches for not getting it, okay?

After a video of Megan mouth farting out all sorts of priceless racist dingles about Chinese people went viral yesterday, she back pedaled her way to Radar and told them it wasn't an interview. It was a skit and Megan was playing a racist character and that shitty dunce cap of a hat was given to her by the costume department to make her dumb character look even more dumb. Okay, Megan didn't say that last part, but I thought I'd throw it in for her. You're welcome, Megan.

Here's Megan pouring the shit of a bull all over laps before pulling our dicks with this explanation:

This was not a real interview, and it in no way reflects my true feelings or persona whatsoever. The intent was to make fun of the ignorance of people who actually do not have an understanding of other cultures and speak in racist ways. The skit and my character were supposed to be making fun of ignorance and not any culture or class of people. I do see how it was highly offensive to the viewer, but as seen by today's widespread outrage, it clearly did increase awareness of the ignorance of those who are racist. While the intent of the script was to shed light on cultural ignorance. I realize that in application it did offend people, and for that I apologize."

Who does this bitch think she is, Sarah Silverman?

Instead of acting like she gave all of us a "The more you know moment....", Megan should've kept her explanation simple. She should've just said, "I'm a Lochte! What do you expect? YOLO!" We all would've nodded our heads and kept moving.

At this point, it goes without saying that the Lochte family grew up next to a radiation test site (that explains the shade of Snooki on Megan Lochte's skin), got their water from a well on a mercury mine and slept in tilted beds that made them roll off and hit their heads on the floor every night. Case in point: Here's a video from 4 years ago of Ryan Lochte's sister Megan Lochte using her mouth to shit out a bunch of racist nuggets of dumb. Shortly after Megan came back to the US after spending time in China during the Beijing Olympics, she went on a late night comedy talk show in Maryland and dropped these words of wisdom:

Megan on China: "China was chinked out. Like, it was totally, like Chinese. Everything. There was only chinks everywhere."

Megan on how Chinese people take so many pictures: "You know how they always, stereotypically, they always want to take pictures? They take pictures of everything. Like I would be jumping up and down, and they'd be like, 'Oh my god, an American jumping up and down.' Chink chink! That's where it comes from I think. Is that where it comes from?"

Megan on how Chinese people are the phenomenal drivers: "They drove like ninjas."

Megan when asked if ninjas are Chinese or Japanese: "They're whatever we want. They're Asian."

Megan on what she likes most about the Chinese culture: "They were funny. They're totally not American."

HAHAHA, and she says all of that while wearing the dumbest dunce cap I've ever seen. You know, watching Ryan Lochte try to produce a coherent thought is like watching the people on Survivor try to start a fire in the rain by rubbing two rocks together, but after seeing this video, I can say that he's probably the smartest one in the family.

The punchline is that on Megan's Facebook page, she says she studied "Multicultural Marketing." This has to be an act and bitch has to be trolling us.

via Jezebel (Thanks, Ashley!) 

The New York Daily News answered the question "Why do video cell phones exist?" by posting a video of a Prince of Wales and a Prince of Derp drunkenly racing in the pool at XS in Las Vegas on Monday morning. While a bunch of bikini-wearing skanks (served with a frosty glass of jealousy) wondered if they died of a ginger overdose and went to the great big pool in heaven, Prince Hot Ginge, still wearing his jeans, and a fully clothed Ryan Lochte breaststroked to the end. (Why oh why didn't one of those bikini-wearing skanks take advantage of Ryan's brain by saying they want to see him do the other breast stroke with PHG. Meaning they want Ryan to stroke PHG's breasts until one of them finishes. He would've fell for it!)

Ryan got to the edge of the pool first and celebrated by hugging PHG as I screamed all the way from New York, "Please tell me your peens are kissing under that water!" Ryan not only won the race, but he also won again when he peed all over PHG's jeans in the pool. How do you say "JEAH!" with a British accent?

Every now and again I'll make jokes about how doing acting stuff is so easy a Hilton can do it, but I take it all back. Acting is the hardest job in the entire world and now I know that thanks to future Emmy winner Ryan Lochte.

Access Hollywood showed a clip of Ryan "acting" in an upcoming episode of 90210 and his performance is so riveting that rocks are jealous, because they wish they could be that stiff and emotionless. But the thing that really changed my mind about acting was the answer that dribbled out of Ryan's mouth when Access Hollywood's Laura Saltman (whose eyeballs keep drifting down to his nipples) asked him, "What was the hardest part for you about it?" Ryan's answer is the same answer Anthony Hopkins gave when he was asked the same question on Inside the Actors Studio:

"Memorizing lines and trying to, like, say 'em and still, like, do movement and all that. That was hard."

I didn't think it was possible to love Ryan Lochte more, but I do. I mean, Ryan said in so many words that walking and talking at the same time is hard.

Mama Lochte joined Debbie Phelps in the spirit animal ranch in my heart the other day when she basically called her son a big whore who should win a gold medal in sluttin'. Ike Lochte told Today that Ryan doesn't have time for a girlfriend and the only thing he really has time for is to make orgasm waves with a one-time trick. UsWeekly decided to make shit extra awkward by asking Ryan Lochte what he has to say about his mom talking about his peen's travels. Ryan says he has never had a one night stand and that his mom is new to this media game and didn't really know what she was saying. Swimming answer's to Chet Haze put it like this:

"They took it out of context. My mom is really new to all of this and the media. She meant since the last 4 years I just wanted to focus on swimming, and I didn't really have time for a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I want to give that person my entire heart and I wasn't able to ever do that because of swimming. I'm always on the go. So what she meant is that I do go out on dates. But its not that thing that everyone is talking about, because that's not me. I've never done that and never have been like that, so I don't want people to think that about me."

Maybe Mama Lochte is like my mom and sometimes she accidentally mixes up phrases. Like a couple of summers ago, I was going to the store and my mom was trying to tell me to pick up some fruit punch, but she told me to pick up some donkey punch instead. (!!!!) I didn't want to know how, when or where she learned that shit. I just blamed myself, because she probably learned it from listening to me and I made a mental note that if I ever come into a whole lot of money, I need to start a beverage company called Donkey Punch.

And really? "I want to give that my person my entire heart." That's what a slut says when they don't want to sound like a slut! They also say shit like, "I just don't have time for a relationship, but I do have time to hump on a new piece every night."

This ho is lying. I'm sure there are dozens of tricks out there who have listened to Ryan shout at them "I'm going for gold! I'm going to break a new record on your pussy, bitch" one time and one time only.

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta trick, K. Michelle (Side note: If I was dyslexic and a drag queen, K. Michelle would be my drag name. No, I'm not dyslexic. You learn something new, I know.), shook her head no yesterday at the rumor that nine-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte is tapping his American flag grill on her coochie full-time. K. Michelle says they're only really good friends (Translation: she licks the chlorine off his peen every and and again). Well, according to Ryan Lochte's mom, Ike Lochte, K. Michelle is telling the truth, because she told Today that her son is too busy winning medals and stuff, and he really doesn't have time for anything beyond a fuck and run.

When asked about Ryan's personal life, Ike Lochte was fresh out of fucks to give when she said this about his free agent peen: “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”

I love how she didn't even try to keep it vague by saying that he dates around and doesn't dip into anything serious. Ike Lochte just came out and said he's a hit it and quit it kind of slut. Debbie Phelps has some competition as the Olympic mother who wins my heart. But you know, I'm sure Ike Lochte being blunt as hell isn't going to embarrass Ryan. Ryan is too busy still trying to figure out the answer to the question "What's 7 times 4?" If you watch only one thing today, watch this priceless video of Ryan's greatest interview moments. If a perma-stoned Ryan Phillippe played Joey in Blossom, it would sort of look like this:

So many gems, but my favorite part is when he says that his cell phone screensaver is a picture of his brain.