The rumor is that Heidi Klum's bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin's Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi's rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it's kind of hard kissing Heidi's rose when Martin's dick is shoved into it. Heidi's cooch: one day you're in, the next day you're out, because the bodyguard's up in there.
Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:
"Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there's new people in their lives. I don't expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there's going to be somebody in their lives I'd much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would've preferred is if...um... I didn't expect any better from him, I would've thought Heidi would've shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help."
Heidi wouldn't say if she's fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don't know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith's tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she's getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don't know, but I do know that Seal's next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.
Here's Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.
Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.
"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."
TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.
Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.
And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list.
The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People's sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase "rough patch" when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren't making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon.
Heidi and Seal's marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they're still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany's Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: "They've been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They're not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They're both wearing their wedding bands."
Wait. So Heidi and Seal are trying to fix their marriage by spending all their time together? Didn't spending time together fuck them up in the first place? The problem is that they're always fighting, so now they're in a house together where they can fight all the time. The fuck kind of solution is that? If that solution was on a dress form, Tim Gunn would sashay in and kick it to the floor before saying "Make it work!"
I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah's "pretend you have a British houseguest" marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together.
The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years
This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now.
How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out.
Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea!