She Probably Cut That String Herself
As Will Ferrell accepted his Comedic Genius Golden Popcorn Award at last night's MTV Movie Awards, Aubrey Plaza from Parks & Recreation pulled a lukewarm Kanye West when she crashed the stage and awkwardly tried to snatch away Will's golden dingle trophy. Will didn't give it up, so she went back to her seat, sat down and dropped her plastic cup of the sweet nectar on the floor. The only good thing to come out of this totally staged stunt is the "Why the fuck did I agree to this stupid shit, I could be at home watching myself on TV" side-eye that Peter Dinklage threw.
MTV News says that Aubrey's awkward stage crash wasn't planned and the producers of the show asked her to leave right afterward. Will co-signed MTV News' statement backstage and said that he really had no idea what was going on.
"I think she wanted to tell me something important, but there was no message. It was just a lot of hot liquor breath. And, then, and a little bit of sweat. And then she ran away. But the ship sailed on."
MTV needs to pull all of our dicks harder, because there's no way that mess wasn't completely choreographed from beginning to end. First of all, they put Aubrey Plaza in the front row. Second of all, she wrote the name of her new movie on her chest. Third of all, everyone is saying that Aubrey Plaza looked ten sheets to the wind, but ho didn't look drunk to me. She looked like she was faking the drunkness. A true drunk bitch would never spill the sweet nectar like that. A true drunk bitch holds onto their cup of the sweet nectar for dear life.
Even though this shit was a sad excuse for a publicity stunt, it worked!
But then again, maybe MTV was telling the truth when they said this wasn't rehearsed. Because I don't think any part of that shitty awards show was rehearsed.
You're probably sitting in your cubicle, staring at dozens of unanswered mails, wishing that you had the power of Jesus to turn that cup of coffee into a wine cooler and thinking that there's no way this Monday can get any Monday-ier. Oh, but it can. This week's Monday is one hundred percent grosser thanks to this picture of Pimp Mama Kris letting her pimp nip slip out on Instragram (click here if you hate your eyes and want to see the uncensored version). Sometimes, a pimp has to remind her whores that they ain't the only ones who can purposefully flash the parts a plastic surgeon gave them for some quick attention.
This past weekend, Lucifer's Employee of the Year Pimp Mama Kris celebrated Whore-o-ween way too early by posting this picture for her Twitter followers, which she hates obviously, and showed them the tit knob that Bruce Jenner licks his Activia off of. PMK quickly deleted the soul-killing picture of her as Wonder Pimp, but Khloe Kardashian reposted it, because it's better to let your hos do your dirty work for you. So now Lynda Carter knows why she sleep walked into a shallow grave and laid down in it before rolling around.
And since we're on the subject of mom nips gone wild, here's someone's mother showing Pimp Mama Kris how it's really done. Put on one of your son's t-shirts, let them titty balls hang out and bounce a fart up into the sky as your child raps about your donk. NSFW, obviously.
Mother AND Donker of the Year!
via Hollywood Life
You probably can't tell that's Kim Kardashian's ass since it doesn't have a black peen all up in it, but that's Kim Kardashian's ass. "Yes, I'll have an order of the piss-glazed rump roast with a side of cold whore topped with gay sardines" is probably what every diner at Prime 112 in Miami ordered last night when they watched a panty-less Kim stroll in with Kanye West.
Ever since Kanye took over as Kim's head stylist, he's really done his best to make her look like it takes several master sausage casers, a half a dozen pig wranglers, a herd of tugboats and a hundred tubs of mantequilla to get her dressed. The hell is she wearing? A better question is, who the hell does she think she is? Bitch, the year is not 1992 and next to "occupation" on your tax return, you can't write: a member of En Vogue. So give it up, turn it loose!
Speaking of turning it loose, Reggie Bush and his knocked up piece had dinner at a restaurant right next to Prime 112 at the same time Kim and Kanye were making a dining room full of people get the heaves from being exposed to that much smugness. So when Kim and Kanye came out, one of the paps asked her if she wanted to congratulate Reggie for putting a fetus in a trick. That made Kanye bust into one of his theatrical bitch meltdowns and he grabbed at the pap's camera.
Meanwhile, Kim smiled the whole time, because: a) She was getting more attention and; b) Bitch was extra light in the head (and that's saying a lot), because her skirt was on so damn tight.
On the left is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor and on the right is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor (hint: just throw a black dildo into your backyard and it'll go running after it).
Kim Kardashian posed with Pimp Mama Kris at some Midori event in L.A. last night wearing a green velvet disco dress that only looked good on all of our moms when they wore it in 1978.
Of course the green beetle has this and I didn't even need to ask. There's no competition. At least if the beetle wanted to shed its shell, IT would be the one doing the shedding, the shell wouldn't shed it. The same cannot be said for Kim Kuntrashian's ass. When Kim climbed into the back of an SUV, her dress couldn't take the pain, humiliation or pressure anymore and tried to quit her double down ass by ripping itself off of her body. Or Pimp Mama Kris is off camera pulling invisible strings attached to that dress to give Kim her own Sofia Vergara STUNT QUEEN moment. Yeah, probably that.
No, that isn't another picture of the immaculate restoration of Ecce Homo. It's icky homo and gay fish Kanye Kardashian (née West) adjusting the video camera so it gets a clear shot of his taco meat-covered mopey titties in action as he breaks a trick like her coochie's a MacBook Air. Since Kanye's heffa ass ho Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, he made his own so they both have touching memories to share with their future children on family home video night. Radar says they've seen a 20 minute-long video of Kanye pounding into some 18-year-old piece like she's an ALL-CAPS keyboard.
Radar calls Kanye's fuck tape co-star a married Kim Kardashian look-alike who says on camera that she's 18 and she's there because her husband doesn't wet hump her anymore. (No, bitch, you're there because you answered Kanye's Craigslist ad and you messed up your lines. You were supposed to say, "I'm here, because Kanye West is God wrapped in Jesus wrapped in all the apostles and I am surrendering my humble body in the name of everything that is holy and everything that is holy is Kanye. Hash tag YOLO! Hash tag KanyeWestSexTape2012BuyIt!")
Radar also says that Kanye's peen is covered in a rubber the entire time and he doesn't ever kiss his trick on the lips, because he didn't want to smear his Balenciaga lip gloss. ("But Michael, they don't sell Balenciaga lip gloss in stores." - you "Exactly." - me) Some porn industry insider says that the tape was shot right before he started dating Kim and that he broke down in tears (of fame whore joy) when he found out the tape was being shopped around. The porn industry insider went on to say this:
"The sex tape is being shopped right now and there's a lot of interest, but Kanye is freaking out! He doesn't want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. If this were to hit the market it would be worth a fortune… there would definitely be a lot of people wanting to see this! In my expert opinion Kanye's performance far outweighs Kim's!"
In MY expert opinion, a comatose wart hog's performance far outweighs Kim's.
Please, this staged sex tape mess is just another production from Pimp Mama Kris. If you want to be fully accepted by the Kardashian family, the world has to see your bare ass bouncing in the air on a sex tape. It's not a sex tape, it's an initiation ceremony.
And if you want to see a Kanye sex tape, just watch any one of his music videos. It's nothing but him finger banging his ego raw over and over again.
And here's Kim infecting Melbourne yesterday.
In case you missed last night's soon-to-be Emmy award winner for best writing in a comedy, here's Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson looking completely natural and not at all fake in the face when Ryan Seacrest announced that front-runner Jessica Sanchez got the lowest number of votes. TMZ reported a couple of hours before American Idol went live that Jessica was going to get chopped and the producers were working hard to get the judges to use the "save" on her. Please. More like they were scrambling to find an acting coach who could help the judges' completely choreographed reactions look somewhat natural. It worked! Steven Tyler gave his greatest performance since playing a Skeksis in Dark Crystal, JLo pretended she was one of us watching her movies and Randy Jackson went back to the time when Sizzler told him they were all out of cheese toast.
It is impressive at how JLo finds a way to make a moment all about her. You can take the attention away from the attention whore, but she's going to find a way to get it back! When JLo snatched that mic away from Jessica and told that girl to have a seat, I expected male dancers to drop from above as she broke into a club remix version of the song Jessica was singing. You know JLo had a bedazzled leotard under her clothes and was just itching to rip that orange dress off to hump the spotlight.
Kim Kartrashian is used to white loads coming at her, but a different kind of white load came all over her last night as she walked the carpet to promote her new bottle of skankafied bladder water ironically called True Reflection. These pictures of Kim looking like the entire Lohan family farted, queefed, sneezed and coughed on her at the same time were the last pictures to tuck me into bed last night and were the first pictures to wake me up this morning and it still feels like I was bombed with a bag full of HAHAHAHAs.
Both E! (aka Kuntrashian Headquarters) and TMZ say that the flour bomber was heard mumbling about "fur" or something while security took her away. Of course they want our asses to believe that this was an act from PETA getting back at those Kuntrashians for all the baby warthogs Khloe has mutilated during her midnight hunts or for all the goats Pimp Mama Kris has scarified in the name of her creator Lucifer, but BITCH PLEASE.
If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. This shit was so staged. The obvious sign came from Kim herself when she responded by not crying her rubber spatula face off. Kim released this statement that was obviously pre-written by her publicist:
"That probably is the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me. Like I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that's a whole lot of translucent powder right there."
PETA isn't taking credit for this shit and told TMZ that this video was given to them by a different anti-fur activist:
I don't care if this mess is obviously a total STUNT QUEEN move, it made my night last night and it's making my morning this morning. But I probably won't be laughing when I find out that this was all a publicity stunt to promote Kim as the new face of Argo cornstarch. I mean, cornstarch does get the piss smell out.
I know the last thing anybody wants to see on a Monday morning is something Chris Brown's beaver molars have gnawed, but let's just get this shit out of the way so we can quickly move no to more important and newsworthy stories like PUSSY ELEVATORS! It's been about 7 seconds since RiRi's Barbadian nipple knobs have gotten any camera time and if the eyes of a stranger don't gaze into their slit holes every hour on the hour, they'll shrivel into raisin dust like ear drums when she sings live. So RiRi put them on display while struttin' to Da Silvano in NYC last night.
You know, I'm all for a trick looking like she just drunkenly fell titties-first into a screen door (it keeps the flies out), but this entire look is a damn fucking mesh. Bitch looks like a truck stop hooker circa 1991 who is hitchhiking to Hollywood to live out her dream of being a Fly Girl on In Living Color. That sweater mesh thing is confusing me and those 90s jeans remind me of desperate times when I would sit on my bedroom floor carefully ripping holes into my Bugle Boys with pinking shears to make it look like they just naturally tore that way.
And I'm 99% sure that at least one member of Bell Biv DeVoe wore this exact outfit back in the day and I'm 99% sure that he wore it better.
...And she's so annoyed by it that she brought it up again.
The human mutation of Cathy is out selling that Wanderlust movie, which looks to me like the brain dead "didn't pull out in time" baby of Flirting with Disaster and Wet Hot American Summer, and you know what that means? It's that time again when Jennifer adds fuel to the fire by bringing up Brangelina to sell her damn movie. After posing for a bunch of pictures, which can double as a Chico's ad campaign, for InStyle's March 2012 (via The Berry) issue, Jennifer talked about what misconception annoys her the most and how she isn't copying Justin Theroux's style.
On how she doesn't purposefully dress like Justin Theroux and how the first time he came to her house she didn't secretly steal his favorite leather jacket to make a twin of it for herself: "First of all, he has great style - it's very specific, and it has been his style forever. Has it influenced mine? No, but I know people say it has.'Oh, look, you're dressing alike.' And I think, no I'm not. I've had this jacket for three years!"
On the biggest mistake of her life: "I'm not sure. Just walking out of the house can be a risk!"
On how she'd be a director or a dermatologist if she wasn't a professional line memorizer. Basically, she loves facials: "Directing. I was very proud of producing and directing for the beautiful project 'Five.' Or I'd love to be a dermatologist. I'd be so obsessive about it. I'm fascinated by skin, products, and lasers. I go on the Internet and read all about it. I call it 'laser porn.'"
On how she hates that fake Brangelina feud talk, but can't stop talking about it!: "Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband - and that there's a feud there. It's constant. It's a story headline that won't go away, but it's a money thing - [people make money off] a story that has nothing to do with reality."
Oh ho, please. It's so annoying that this bitch threw it up again. Aniston knows very well that quote just earned her the cover of every tabloid for the next few weeks. Star Magazine needs to send her a bouquet of Maddox voodoo dolls, because she just gave their asses a perfect cover headline that will read: "Jennifer Aniston says: 'The triangle with my ex-husband....there's a feud there!"
Why didn't Aniston leave that Brangelina shit on the ground next to the dead horse and instead bring up the misconception that when she fights with Justin, she locks herself in her bedroom. Then she makes her Justin Theroux Cabbage Patch doll apologize to her before handing her a bowl of happy soup (aka melted ice cream with uncooked room-temp cookie dough balls in it). That's because it's not a misconception! It's a truth straight from my Maddox's Burn Book Tumblr.