Slow News Day
File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now....
Cross file under: Pretend it's the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.
Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone's tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.
And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.
Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked "The Rachel" long before Aniston did. And next up, I'm going to write about how Keri Russell's hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.
Here's Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.
Just when I was about to say that this news day was slower than Ryan Lochte's thought process, I come across this highly important video of a Great White Pussy chasing a duckling. I'm sure CNN will break into their regular broadcast to discuss this video in detail (I'm not joking). We can shut everything down, because it won't get anymore newsworthy than this today.
Your eyeballs are probably covered with a thick layer of crusty pieces of self-tanner, Diddy's dried drool and Fashion Fair bronzer, and that could mean only one thing: it's Aubrey O'Day! When Aubrey Ho'DayandNight was fired from Diddy's harem of yodeling concubines, he probably thought that in 5 years she'd be giving $2 daytime lap dances in the 40oz room of an illegal strip club on the outskirts of Tampa, FL. But Diddy was more than wrong, because here's Aubrey giving a nighttime lap dance at a casino burlesque show in Coconut Creek, FL. Diddy can smear it on Aubrey's ass and eat it.
Here's more of Aubrey popping her ass out in The Knockouts Burlesque Show at the Seminole Casino. I love how Aubrey usually has chichis all the way out when she's strolling down the streets, but she covers them up with a turtleneck when she's performing in a damn burlesque show. Aubrey's fresh petals are always full of surprises.
Don't-Focus-On-My-Tatas-Even-Though-I-Shove-Them-Up-To-My-Eyebrows-In-Plunging-Necklines advocate Christina Hendricks would like you to quit staring at her luscious bewbs for a second and focus on her hair instead. For all of us str8 women who are able to defy the odds and actually drag our eyeballs up there, she wants us to know that her modeling agency once said HELL NO!! to her signature fiery locks. The naturally blond Christina (prove it! - half the planet) dyed her hair bright red for a photo shoot and was met by a "Daaamn girl, you ugly!" from the head of her agency.
In Christina's words (via the Daily Mail):
'When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, "You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair."
"I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.
'I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!'
I kind of have to agree with her that the red suits her and helps her stand out in a sea of blindingly bleached blond bimbos (say that three times really fast, I dare you) but really, who gives a shit. Good, hair talk times are over and now our ADD asses can go back to being mesmerized by her real stand out features, those twin Verne Troyers half out of her top.
It took Christian Slater 4 hours of waiting to vote on Election Day, but he voted in Miami. Christian gave himself a pat on the taint for being a responsible American and all that. But then a few weeks later, The Miami-Dade County canvassing board let a bitch know that masturbating with a banana peel for 4 hours would've been a better use of his time than standing in the voting line for 4 hours, because his vote didn't count. Christian's signature didn't match the signature they have on file, so they put an X over his votes. Yes, they did Christian Slater like that.
Christian tweeted a picture of the letter today. And here's the tweets about his Voting Day Drama on November 6th:
Every vote count...except for Christian Slater's. I know, I know, this is BREAKING NEWS and yet another nugget for our overflowing "Florida" file. But I brought it up, because I really feel that from now on we should refer to Christian Slater as "Christina D. Slater." It has a much better ring to it. Saying "Christina D. Slater" makes me lift my shoulders while winking.