Sofia Vergara

It really isn't a Hollywood event until Sharon Stone shows up looking like she just skinned an animal alive before throwing its pelt onto her shoulders. Where was Goopy's stylist with a pube-shaving razor, because Sharon's jacket looks like a Kardashian merkin. How dreadful. And I can almost hear her feet crying out in humiliation from wearing those ugly ass peep-toe booties. While I appreciate it when a ho shows up looking like a wicked witch dominatrix at a funeral, the only way this look would've worked is if Sharon turned into a murder of crows at the end of the night.

The only time it's okay to wear an outfit like this is if you're about to pull out Kristen Stewart's stoner heart in your medieval lair or you're about to terrorize a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. That orange eyeshadow too... Did Sharon Stone really want her eyes to look like two sore b-holes in need of some Prep H?

With all that being said, Sharon was still the hottest messy bitch there, because everybody else showed up wearing boring rejected dresses from awards season. In order after Cruella de Stone: Rebel Wilson, Sofia Vergara, Hayden Pantyairs, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand's tits with James Brolin and Donna Karan, Kerry Washington, Psy, Julie Bowen, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, some Duck Dynasty people, Anne Burrell Patricia Arquette, Katy Perry, Kate Mara, Natalie Dormer, the matron of the Death Eaters, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Gerard Butler with Piers Morgan.

As J. Harvey told your asses yesterday, Sofia Vergara's piece of trash fiancé Nick Loeb got kicked out of a club in Miami on New Year's Eve after her got into a mini-brawl, which ended with Sofia's chichis nearly spilling out of her party dress. I know, bitches will Instagram and tweet pictures of their belly button dandruff and combination platter from El Torito, but nobody Instagram'ed or tweeted a picture of Sofia's chichis trying to escape the rage by jumping out of her dress? We have got to tweet better.

So because the world was reminded that Nick Loeb is a first-class dick pimple, Sofia Vergara tried to do a little damage control by holding his hand all happy-like on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon. Whatever. But what I want to know is, what good qualities does Nick Loeb have, because I don't know of any. Yes, Nick Loeb is a hot dog topping entrepreneur, but he's also a chronic cheater, a mean drunk, a party ruiner and always looks like he's letting out a slow, angry fart. What's to love?

Maybe in this picture, Sofia is giving us a clue as to what Nick Loeb's one good quality is. Maybe she's trying to tell us that he's hung like a rolled lunch napkin. That's still not enough. I don't care if you poured a thick layer of Onion Crunch on top of Nick's foot long dick, I still would NOT. ("Yes, you would." - you "No comment." - me)

Latina buttocks activist Sofia Vergara's boyfriend Nick Loeb was ixnayed from a Miami club early New Year's Day after they got into some sort of physical altercation. There's always one insane ass couple at the party bringing their bullshit to the club instead of to the therapist's couch.

Page Six reports that Al Bundy's wife from Modern Family was with her cokey sex addict at Miami club Story when he raged out because she was taking a photo with someone he didn't know. "Pushing and shoving" ensued.

One witness told us, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section.

Apparently Ike didn't like Tina up on someone else's Instagram feed. Four security guards gave his bitch ass the bum's rush out the back, and Sofia followed. Don't eat the cake, Sofia. By the by, this dude once considered running for a Senate seat in Florida. He's supposedly crazy rich, but no one's sure what he does except he started a food-topping company called Onion Crunch. Suspect. Don't end up being found dead in a vat of whatever the fuck Onion Crunch is, Sofia. The badonka donks of the world need their spokesass.

Well, that's it for me! Huge thanks to that raunchy slut Michael K. for letting me hang out here again. I send kisses to the beautiful and talented Sweetas. Oh, and shameless plug - I post for Manhunt Daily on the regular. Come by and say hi! Warning - it's a gay blog and there's lots of dicks. But I'm guessing that's not a problem for some of you. Happy New Year!

If it's morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn't hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl's costume. But it's a picture of Sofia Vergara's ass crack refusing to be ignored.

Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night's Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara's butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia's nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.

They were winning so much that I'm sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn't buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, "Please have my child."

Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece's luscious grizzly brows every night.

For whatever reason, Sofia Vergara got done up in full Lucille Ball drag and posted it Twitter (via DM) a couple of days ago. Just thinking about Sofia screaming "Rick-eeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaah!" has made my ears curl. Well, if you've always wanted to see what it would look like if a grown up Little Ricky did a whole lot of the bad shit until he got coke mouth and then dressed in drag as his mother, your wish has come true. Now if I can only get a naked Prince Hot Ginge to dress in drag as Sofia Vergara as Lucille Ball, it will officially be Dreams Do Come True week!

When you walk up to the immigration counter before entering Latin America, the official takes your passport and tells you to turn around and stick it out. If you don't have a double down ass that is stretching the limits of the fabric covering it, then you get a giant red DENIED stamped on your passport and your flat ass gets sent back to whichever flat ass land you came from. Only bubble butt bitches allowed! (It's true, it happened to me when I tried to go to Costa Rica.)

Colombian flower Sofia Vergara tells Allure (via NYDN) that you'll hardly see her inside of gym, because working out makes her all-natural 32F chichis shrink and even worse, it makes her ass smaller. A small ass on her body makes Sofia Vergara sad, because she says a fat ass in Latin America is EVERYTHING .Sofia said this when she talked about working out:

"My ass gets smaller, and my boobs get smaller. I don't mind when the boobs get smaller. I don't like when the ass gets smaller. In Latin America, if you don't have a big ass, you're nothing.

We're loud. We're passionate. We're colorful. We're voluptuous ... I am not scared of the stereotype of the Latin woman, because I think that's fantastic."

If you're a skinny trick with noassatall in Latin America, don't wander the streets looking for a back alley surgeon to pump your nalgas with Fix-A-Flat so you can finally make it there. Come to the US, where you can make it in show business even if you have an ass that is so flat it can double as a cheese-cutting board (see: practically half of the actresses here). And in exchange, we'll hand over the trio of human asses known as the Kuntrashians! It's a deal! Too late, Colombia! The deal is made and there's no going back. Blame Sofia Vergara.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

Sofia Vergara's wearing a huge diamond ring on her hitchin' finger and Wonderwall says it was given to her by her on-and-off again businessman (and wannabe politician) boyfriend Nick Loeb. The same Nick Loeb who may or may not have cheated on Sofia in a coke-fueled orgy with a bunch of hookers in a hotel room. (Nick says that rumor is a lie-covered dingle dangling off of fiction's ass.) Sofia and Nick are in Mexico to celebrate her 40th birthday with 90 of her friends and family, and he took that moment to ask her to ruin her life by marrying him. Sofia said yes, but not everyone around her is queefing celebratory hearts. One source said:

"She's the nicest, sweetest, kindest person on the Earth, but she has a thing for bad boys. And she found one with him.

They have a crazy relationship. They break up and make up. They fight and make up hard!"

I bet they're one of those couples who ruin your party by having a fight in the middle of it. One of them locks themselves in the bathroom to cry into your bath mat and the other one sits in the chair by the cake cursing under their breath. You can't piss, because that ho is hogging up the toilet with their tears and you can't eat delicious cake, because that ho is sitting next to it and you don't want to wake the whining beast. That couple is the worst. Oh well, there's two positives in this. Sofia now has something to throw at Nick if she ever walks in and catches him with a mouthful of hooker poon. And it could be worse, she could be marrying Tommy Girl.

Stacy Keibler was supposed to be glued to George Clooney's arm at last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but I guess negotiations between their lawyers to extend her escort contract past awards season broke down, because the three things missing last night were her 50 foot-long legs and her plastered on fake smile. George came SANS an escort, but who needs a cocktail waitress or lady wrestler or Italian cokehead as a date when you've got Barbara Walters? Barbara was so excited to be squeezed up against George Clooney that her old lady juices overflowed up into her face and coagulated into a Juvederm-like substance. That isn't plastic in Barbara's cheeks. That's an orgasm!

George mostly spent his night charming ladies, having intimate moments with wine bottles and showing us what he would do if he was ever left alone in a room with his second holemate (after Brad Pitt): Michael Fassbender's peen.

And in case you missed it, here's the White House Correspondents' Dinner's prom king, President Obama, doing some stand-up comedy shit at last night's party (click here to see Jimmy Kimmel's act):

And here's even more pictures of even more hos at last night's dinner: Babs,George, Michelle Obama, President Obama, Jimmy Kimmel, Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Sofia Vergara, Uggie with Diane Sawyer, Aziz Ansari and Callistabot with Newt. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, was so and so there?" The answer is YES. YES, because everybody was fucking there. Everybody!

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year's Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn't powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it's been a while since you've seen tits that aren't made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.

Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren't enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.

I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night's New Year's Eve premiere, but that's like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!