Tales From The One Percent

When Mimi and Nick Cannon got married 5 years ago, I thought that their marriage would barely last 5 days or until the fairy dust they snorted before the ceremony wore off. My ass was way wrong, because 4 vow renewal ceremonies later, and here they are renewing their vows for the 5th time in a ceremony straight out of a 2nd grader's story titled "Wut i Want Mi Wedingz 2 Luk Like."

Since Mimi is a 12-year-old trapped in the body of an adult Wuzzle and her Hello Kitty Visa card has no limit on it, she renewed her vows in an over-the-top princess-themed ceremony at Disneyland in California last night. Mimi live-tweeted and live-Vined the glittery gayest vow renewal ceremony in history and she also invited Entertainment Tonight's resident Barbie robot Nancy O'Dell.

Yesterday was also #DemBabies' second birthday, so Mimi and Nick threw a party for them before they said "I doo doo" again in front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle. Here's a few of the rhinestone-embedded details from ET:

Carey slipped into a princess-inspired bridal gown for the event at the well-appointed Dream Suite, tucked away above the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction. From the suite, Mariah and Monroe were picked up in a horse-drawn Crystal Carriage that took them to Main Street, where they were greeted by Nick and Moroccan. They walked down the aisle as a family to Sleeping Beauty Castle, which served as the backdrop for the outdoor ceremony.

The twins sat in the front row to witness the vow renewals which were themed, "Do you believe in fairy tales?" Immediately after the ceremony, there was a burst of fireworks, a surprise for Carey.

The Royal Footman from Cinderella, Major Domo, served as Master of Ceremonies for the evening and escorted the approximately 250 guests to Fantasyland for a champagne toast and reception DJ'd by Cannon. The space was adorned with 15,000 blooms imported from South Africa, Holland and France, and 10,000 crystals. Guests were able to take advantage of the park being closed to the public and ride the famous Matterhorn Bobsleds, the King Arthur Carousel and peruse the Peter Pan and Snow White attractions.

At the end of the evening, Major Domo escorted guests back through the castle where the Crystal Carriage met the couple to return them to the Dream Suite.

They left out the part where Mimi stood under a hologram rainbow, bent over, pulled up her gown up and farted out a bunch of doves dressed like the Disney princesses.

Sometimes renewing your vows every year in a lavish ceremony eventually leads to you breaking your vows in a divorce ceremony (see: Heidi and Seal), but I still applaud Mimi for single-handedly keeping the wedding and imported South African bloom industries alive!

Moses and Apple Martin can say "I HATE YOU, GOOP!" in ten different languages and they can make a California Roll from scratch using the avocados in the garden of their Brentwood estate, but they still have nothing on Barron Trump. There's an actual human being on Earth who can get his man servant to hold him high above so he can look down at Goopy Paltrow for being a poor peasant compared to him.

The most gorgeous Trump of all the Trumps, Melania Trump, told ABC News that her 7-year-old son loves wearing suits and he moisturizes with her caviar cream every single night. Barron Trump is just TOO fancy for us.

“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”

Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.

“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”

So while Goopy and her kids are using caviar to make sushi, Barron Trump is smearing caviar all over her face like a true one percenter. Richie Rich, who?

And I'm just going to choose to believe that Donald Trump isn't the father and Melania had a bareback love affair with her chef, because I refuse to believe that a piece of trash with a face like a pinched anus made Barron Trump.

Goop's Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you're Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow's fashion list for spring. If you're everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can't wear anywhere without looking a fool.

In this week's edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and an $895 Victoria Beckham dress. The $475 fancy shorts in the picture above are perfect to wear during a lunch date with your husband. When he doesn't show up, the shininess of the shorts will make you forget that your husband hates you, because you're ridiculous and is probably in a cheap motel room shoving his face in a pile of Twinkies just to spite you.

My favorite thing on the list is a $1,615 skirt, which Goopy says is a wonderful thing to wear during a night in with your friends. Yes, a $1,600 ball gown skirt is the perfect thing to wear while hanging out with your friends at home. Oh, you'll feel so comfortable wearing a $1,600 skirt while lounging on your red panda leather sofa. When your friend Bunny accidentally spills a glass of vintage Krug (it's a casual night-in, you save the good stuff for formal events) on your $1,600 skirt after you tell a joke about how you saw Muffy carrying a COACH purse into the tennis club, you don't have to freak out. It's just a casual $1,600 skirt. You'll just tell your maid to cut it into squares to use as wee wee pads for the Burmese ponies you bought for little Pomegranate and Jeduthun.

I really hope Goop stays so unaware and never pulls her head out of her ass, because all of this is gold. Oh wait, I don't mean gold. Gold is for the poors!

My wet dream of fighting David Beckham for the last bunch of bananas at a Trader Joe's in Glendale will never come true, because he has left Los Angeles FOREVER and moved back to London with Posh, Harper the 7th and the Cruz boys. Becks got his ass a job closer to home and announced today in France that he'll be ripping off his jersey for the fans of Paris Saint-German starting now. People says that dozens of teams from around the world promised to throw wads of money at him if he graced their fields with his nipples and he went with PSG. Becks' 5-month contract with PSG ends on June 30th. Becks said this in a press conference this morning:

"I consider myself to be part of this club in the future – in helping this club to grow ... in helping the French league to grow and also helping this club to be one of the biggest powerhouses in football."

If you live in Paris and your dream is to fight Posh for the last macaroon at Franprix, then I need to tell you that's a dumb dream, because Posh doesn't go into grocery stores and she sure as hell doesn't fight over carbs. But anyway, Posh is staying in London with the kids and Becks will commute back and forth. Becks also said that he will donate his entire salary to a children's charity in Paris. The French media says that his contract is worth over $5 million.

What's $5 million to Posh and Becks? If Posh shit, her shits would be worth more than $5 million. Besides, it's smart to give it all to charity. Because once the French super tax hit his salary, he'd be left with two stale pieces of baguette and a couple of coins. Gérard Depardieu knows what I'm talking about.

Because sometimes burning hundred dollar bills in their platinum and moon rock fireplace gets boring, so Beyonce and Jay-Z find other ways to waste loads of cash. To celebrate the birth of the chosen one, Beyonce and Jay-Z spend $200,000 on gifts and a party that I'm sure Blue Ivy Carter will remember for the rest of her life (SPOILER ALERT: Her 1-year-old brain already forgot about it).

The Sun says that Bey-Z invited all of their friends and family to Blue Ivy's birthday party to show them how much she's grown in a year, but mostly to show off all their loads of fucking money! Jay-Z and Beyonce spent $95,000 on the finest pink and white roses even though Blue Ivy would've been happy with a blue carnation from the grocery store. Jay-Z and Beyonce also spent around $30,000 on princess costumes and jewelry for the child guests even though they would've been happy with a plastic bag full of 99 Cent Store candy and plastic whistles. The adult guests got concert tickets and gold pens with Blue Ivy's name engraved on them.

And for Blue Ivy's gift, Beyonce and Jay-Z gave her an $80,000 custom made Barbie that was covered in diamonds. Some source said this to The Sun about the birthday party that cost more than your student loans:

“Nothing’s been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It’s hard to imagine how they can top this next year — or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like.”

This is some Rich Kids of Instagram shit. If Blue Ivy Carter is like every other kid (she isn't), then in a few months that $80,000 Barbie will have a butch lezz buzz cut, her body will be covered in tattoos made with markers, she'll only have one leg, she'll have dog bite marks on her face from being a dog chew toy and all those diamonds that once covered her will be at the bottom of Blue Ivy's stomach. Don't worry, BIC will poop out those diamonds along with the other diamonds and piece of gold she shits out on the regular.

When normal people go to see a basketball game at a stadium, they usually leave their kid with a $10/an hour teenage babysitter or if they're a Lohan, they leave their kid in the backseat of the car with a bottle full of gin. But when the duke and duchess of the one percent, Jay-Z and Beyonce, go to Brooklyn's Barclays Center, which he owns less than 0.2% of, they drop Blue Ivy Carter and her team of nannies in a luxury nursery that they pay over $83,000 a month for. MONEY: Jay-Z and Beyonce like wasting it!

A source tells UsWeekly that Barclays rents out 11 private suites and, of course, Jay-Z's cost the most. When Blue Ivy Carter isn't slobbering on the walls of Jay-Z's private suite, he lets his friends use it. The source said this mess of words:

"Jay rents a luxurious basement suite for $1 million a year. It has an area for Blue filled with toys. It's all glass with a champagne bar and TV screen. Jay lets friends use his digs when he's not there."

Oh okay, so Blue Ivy Carter's nursery is just in an "area" of Jay-Z's suite. Let's say Blue Ivy Carter's private space takes up 25% of the suite, that's around $20,000 a month for a nursery space that she sometimes sits in every now and again. Jay-Z and Beyonce spending that much money on BIC's sometime nursery makes sense, because studies show that little babies are so much happier and healthier when they're sitting in luxury spaces!

If I went to BIC's luxurious nursery at Barclays and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her rattle carved out of a giant diamond and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

If I went to the playpen in the kitchen that my cousin's baby plays in and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her plastic blocks from The Dollar Tree and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

See, haterz, THE FACTS DON'T LIE!

If I had a baby friend, I'd only dress it in a diaper and a poncho made from a giant paper napkin, because babies spit, snot, piss and shit on everything and they have no respect for clothes. Babies don't care that somewhere in China a baby their age made that onesie. Rude. Well, Posh Beckham is with me. Sort of. But to Posh, her idea of a paper napkin poncho is a $285 Marc Jacobs toddler dress.

The Daily Mail says that Posh never puts 15-month-old Harper Seven in the same outfit twice and her daughter's wardrobe is worth $8,000. So far, Posh has bought (aka bitch got that shit for free) Harper a $160 sweater by Bonpoint, a $415 coat from Chloe and a $136 dress from Stella McCartney. Harper Seven never spits up on the same outfit twice, because Posh never dresses her in the same ensemble more than once.

Babies don't even know what clothes are, so spending $8,000 on their wardrobe is kind of a waste. But that being said, 8 grand ain't shit to Posh and Becks. Posh spends more than $8,000 a week on bunny fur tampons and maxi-pads with wings (actual wings from an endangered trumpeter swan). Posh's hair is made of the manes of Arabian horses and one weave track costs more than $8,000. So $8,000 is really a drop in the diamond-encrusted champagne bucket to them.

And Blue Ivy Carter is spitting up caviar while laughing at this. Blue Ivy Carter won't even shit in a diaper unless it's cashmere, covered in sapphires and costs more than 10 grand. Shitting in anything else is just embarrassing.