LeAnn Rimes has thrown a lawsuit at her former dentist for fucking up her mouth the same way a plastic surgeon completely fucked up her face even more. TMZ says that LeAnn wants money from Dr. Duane C. McKay, because she claims that three years worth of crappy dental work left her mouth and teeth in a serious state of screwed up. In other news, human kind is filing a class action lawsuit against Dr. McKay for not wiring her mouth shut when he had the chance.
In the lawsuit, LeAnn says that Dr. McKay put some front veneers and crowns on her teeth and he said that those things would cure her TMJ-related pain and make her teeth look better. The work was jank, because apparently it didn't work. The pain got worse and she started to bleed. LeAnn claims that she needed 9 root canals, a bone grafting, a temporary bridge and physical therapy to fix her mouth. LeAnn says in the lawsuit that she will have "permanent cosmetic deficiency." Since LeAnn is in the suing mood, she should also sue her parents' genes, because she was born with a permanent cosmetic deficiency.
LeAnn doesn't say how much money she wants in damages, but she wants to get paid for the physical, emotional and psychiatric injuries she has suffered. She also wants Dr. McKay to pay for the loss of past and future earnings, because she says her bad dental work messed with her career and made it hard for her to perform.
First of all, you know this ho was only going to that crooked dentist because he kept her pill boxes full of the shit that takes her up, up and away. Who keeps going to a dentist that makes your mouth hurt? When you mess with a trick's mouth, you mess with their blow job abilities and that ain't right. Second of all, what career is LeAnn Rimes speaking of? Bitch isn't even C-list on the county fair and third-rate casinos circuit. Nowadays, ho is a professional tweeter and as far as I know you can still tweet with a jacked up mouth.
It only took Snooki a grand total of 6 days to push her newborn guidoling onto the cover of a magazine and Giuliana and Bill Rancic didn't beat her record, but they still didn't waste any time. Just two weeks after a leased baby oven birthed out Giuliana and Bill's first kid in Denver, the two collected that check by debuting Edward Duke to those who care on the cover of Life & Style. Guess what? Edward Duke looks just like a baby. Since most just-out-of-the-womb humans are a little Benjamin Button-ish in the face for the first few weeks, Edward Duke looks like my abuelita taking a 4pm nap. And just like my abuelita, he's got his slappin' hand ready just in case he needs to smack a brat who tries to wake him.
Giuliana said that they named their son Edward after both of their fathers and gave him the middle name Duke, because it means "leader" and because if he ever wants to be the captain of a New England university lacrosse team, he'll have the name for it. Giuliana then said a bunch of words parents usually say to celebrity magazines after their kid is born:
"I had always heard that when you have a baby it completes your life -- and it's true. I'd never changed more than a diaper or two in my life. Now it's like the littlest things that make me happy -- happier than I've ever been. I couldn't believe that all those years of struggling and the tears actually paid off. Every shot, every doctor's visit -- in the end, when you're holding your baby in your arms, you forget it all, and it's worth it."
I know all newborns always keep their tiny eyes closed, but methinks Edward Duke is keeping his tiny eyes closed something extra. Because he knows that if he opens them up, he'll be blinded by the bright white shininess shooting off of his parents' 200 watt veneers. Can't they turn those TEEFS down? Edward is trying to sleep. Or Edward Duke could be keeping his eyes shut, because he doesn't want to open them and see that vomit-inducing Tommy Girl blurb.
And Giuliana and Bill will be hearing from Scientology's lawyers, because Kelly Preston totally has the phrase "miracle baby" trademarked.