Terry Richardson

I would say to chain your 20-something sons to the water heater and lock them in the garage, but that's a waste of time. They just can't resist jumping on Demi Moore's twerk train. They'll whittle their teeth down into shanks by biting through the chains and then they'll use their whittled down teeth to pick the lock on the garage door. When a single Demi comes to town, sticks out her ass, raises her leg and sprays her cub-luring scent, 20-something dudes just can't stay away. So just let them go and pray that they don't marry her ass, because who really wants to be Tater Head's stepfather?

Page Six says that Demi Moore is no longer rubbing her cougar cooch against the crater face of 26-year-old art dealer/trust fund kid Vito Schnabel, because he wants to be taken seriously as a SERIOUS art person! Vito dumped Demi right after she showed up in Miami for Art Basel, because he doesn't want the paparazzi following him around and he's mad that she kept trying to distract him while he was trying to do SERIOUS ART BUSINESS work! You know, it's kind of like when you got that part-time job at Blockbuster and your mom showed up during your lunch hour with a Subway sandwich and you're like, "Moooom! I'm trying to do SERIOUS MOVIE BUSINESS work! You're embarrassing me!" It's kind of like that, but instead of bringing him a Subway sandwich, Demi kept trying to fuck him on the spot. Some source said this about Demi's latest break-up:

“Vito has worked very hard to be taken seriously in the art business, and doesn’t want to be seen as somebody who dates celebrities. He hated having photographers follow him around after word got out about him and Demi. And Vito wasn’t too happy that Demi flew down to party at Art Basel while he was working to build his business. It was a distraction he didn’t need while all the big collectors were in town.”

Whatever, it's Vito's loss. Vito dumping Demi didn't stop her twerk. On Friday night in Miami, Demi and Stacy Keibler showed up to Terry Richardson's party. I'm so happy that Terry is 500 years too old for Demi and that she's 500 years too old for him, because I don't want to think about him spraying his peen paint on her eyeglass lenses at the end of the night.

Lindsay Lohan should probably be at her local H&R Block to ask their asses if they can sort out her tax situation in exchange for a suitcase of stolen joree and a week's worth of sloppy hand jobs, but instead she's posing for Terry Richardson again. Actually, these pictures are outtakes from her photo shoot for Love Magazine, so they're probably a few months old, but they somehow made their way onto the Internet yesterday. Uh huh. That leak smells like a used urinal cake, a barback's bin, a barf burp, peroxide, old sardine juice and cigarette butts, so I'm sure White Oprah leaked this shit to make all of us forget the last photo shoot LiLo did with Uncle Terry.

That last photo shoot looked like scenes from a retirement for crack whores and in this one she actually looks good? Maybe it's because I'm always used to seeing LiLo looking like four layers of hell loosely wrapped around lukewarm tragic, but these aren't that bad. We've all seen worse and the "nothing difficult about this brown" pose is a true work of sophisticated classiness. And I can already hear the "CLOSE YER MOUTH, BITCH" comments, but if your nostril canal was like a maze game, you too would be a permanent mouth breather.