Tommy Girl

The ten millionth remake of A Star is Born is turning out to be an idea as good as butt fucking a popsicle in the middle of August. It's going to have the same outcome too. Clint Eastwood has already signed on to direct and Beyonce is going to take the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role, and now Tommy Girl is in talks to play the has-been rock star. Yup, this is going to be a puddle of shit, sugar water and ice cold regrets.

Deadline says that Tommy and Clint have had several conversations about him taking the lead opposite Beyonce. Once the pillow baby-inflected velcro burns on Beyonce's belly heal, she'll be ready to start making Razzie history. Beyonce could be ready as soon as June, but Tommy's plate is full with two other movies. Clint has also considered Will Smith, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCatchaHo, Russell Crowe and Eminem (???).

Tommy and Beyonce has to be the weirdest pairing since toothpaste and blowjobs. Beyonce's lacefront emotes more raw emotion on a movie screen than she does and Tommy as her lovah is just a whole new level of awkward. I bet Tommy only wants to do this shit, because he really wants Beyonce to teach him the Single Ladies dance. Tommy, it ain't worth it. Sashay away from this mess and take your black catsuit with you.

What more could a Tommy Girl want? Tommy's got a French man face nuzzling up against him and his eyes are sending tingles down to his Scientolohole, because he has fallen in love with that Oscar statue. If you put your ear to Tommy's head as he stared at Oscar, you would hear Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" blasting in there. The places Tommy wants to take that gold-plated tube of fun (fart if you need a clue).

Thomas Langmann, who won that Best Picture Oscar for producing The Artist, better have kept his hands on that trophy the same way I kept my mouth over my vaporizer to get through last night's show. Because if he left Oscar by itself for a quick minute, Tommy Girl would've un-velcroed the secret "easy access" flap on the ass of his pants and made it disappear by sitting on it. Tommy's no-no would've sucked the gold right off of that thing and left Thomas with nothing but a grey shell of a trophy that smells like a bath house floor. So it's a good thing Thomas didn't let go. Actually, I take that back. Thomas should've given Tommy that Oscar, because it's wrong to deny someone of true love.

Here's more of Tommy with peen on the brain (no, seriously, that forehead looks like the imprint of a peen lying on his brain) at the Oscars and later at the Vanity Fair party with Stepford Katie. Katie looked like shit. Was she serious with those clip-on bangs and that polyester hair tail from Sally's. Who does she think she is, Ambular from Clueless? Whatever.

Connor Cruise, the 17-year-old son of Tommy Cruise and the sometime son of Nicole Kidman, has once again proven that old saying "the rotten apple doesn't fall from the insane fucking tree" right. Since Connor has a famous last name and can press play on an iTunes playlist, he DJs at fancy events now and DirecTV hired him to play songs at their pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday night in Indianapolis. Connor's ex-publicist, Todd Krim was also in Indianapolis for the Super Bowel and after the New England Tom Bradys (since he's obviously the only player on the team, Gis) lost against the Giants, Todd rubbed the loss into the Pats-loving skin of Connor Cruise by Tweeting this to him: “Sorry @TheConnorCruise maybe next year!!!”

Just like his daddy, Connor has the sense of humor of one of Xenu's wet dingles and so he freaked out at Todd in an e-mail response to him. Never fuck with your former publicist, because they will pass that e-mail to Page Six:

That was a gay ass [bleeping] tweet . . . U don’t say [bleep] like that about my team the second they lose. Low.”

Todd wrote back and said he was joking, to which Connor responded with: “That was [bleeped] and Idgaf!" Todd told Page Six that he was offended by Connor's rant and that he wasn't expecting that kind of response after everything he's done for him. Connor then jumped on the back of his rep's Big Wheel and back pedaled all the way back with this statement to P6:

"What I texted was unacceptable. It is not a reflection of who I am and what I feel, and it certainly won’t happen again.”

It's no surprise that Connor is redefining "spoiled," but is it really that serious? It's just a football game (insert a horse kick from Gisele Bundchen to my ass bone here). Connor should take his frustrations out by jumping on Oprah's couch or by calling Matt Lauer glib. There's no need to go [bleep]ing crazy on an adult over a stupid joke. That dumb joke wasn't low at all. Low is being a part of a church that won't let your Auntie John Travolta proudly lick on the Dominican peen he loves so much in public. That's low.

And what's with that "gay ass [bleeing] Tweet" shit? Let me fix that for you, Connor: "That was a MY FATHER ass [bleeping] tweet." There, that's a little better.

You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it.

If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line.

Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo.

Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties.

The last time Tommy Girl found himself coughing on the crystal dust that wafts from the threads of crushed diamonds on the Duchess of Alba's glorious head, he failed to properly pay his respects to her by curtsying in front of her. It looks like the dumb bitch didn't learn from his mistakes, because here he is with her and her new husband at the Spanish premiere of Mission Impossible: Ghosts Be Protocoling in Madrid, and I couldn't find one picture of him bowing to her like he should be. You can tell the Duchess is not one ounce of amused over this. It's a good thing I'm completely fluent in Spanish bitchfaces and know exactly what the Duchess is saying with her face. She is clearly saying, "Do I need to pull out a cock out of my coat in order for you to get on your knees, you silly little bitch? Pay homage, honey. HOMAGE!"

The next time Tommy is gazing his eyes at the Klingon Baby Jane, he better hit the floor like his knees have anuses on them and the carpet is covered with peens. If he doesn't, the Spanish Armada will drag him away and throw him into a cell with a bunch of sweaty Spanish men for the rest of his days. Actually, that's probably the reason why he's committing the ultimate act of disrespect against the Duchess. Carry on, Tommy, carry on.

And here's more of Tommy, the most beautiful dandelion in the Spanish garden, Simon Pegg and Paula Patton at last night's premiere.

When Tommy Girl arrived at an airport in Mumbai to start promoting Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in India, hundreds of screaming fans were waiting to get a peek at the completely heterosexual face that makes all mortal women instantly fall in love with it. Well, just like Katie Holmes, those "fans"were paid to act like they give a shit house shit about Tommy. The blog First Post (via Videogum) claims that a model management agency hired at least 200 people and gave all of them around $3 to play the role of a Tom Cruise fan. The best part is that most of them don't even know Tom Cruise from a bossy bottom garden gnome (that is a trick game, because there is no difference). One of the paid actors explained it to First Post like this:

“Tom kaun? (Ed note. That is a perfect name for him if you think about it) I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came. None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for television shows and other such events where crowds are required."

If this is true.. Oh, slap me with a Suri heel, of course this shit is true. This is Tommy Girl I'm blogging about. You show me a ho who froths at the mouth over Tommy's greatness and I'll show you a copy of the check Scientology wrote them to do so. But I can't completely make fun of Tommy for this. Tommy needs those pats on the head to go on. He's sort of like my Chihuahua that way. If I don't give him positive reinforcement, he'll just lick his own asshole in his doggy condo all day and will refuse to do anything I ask.

And those people who were paid $3 to scream for Tommy for 30 minutes got off easy. Stepford Katie doesn't even get a buffet lunch and she has to play the role of a Tom Cruise fan for the next 5 years or until her contract is finally up. You have it easy, Tom Kaun fans.

Like a modern day Gandhi (Gaydhi?), Tommy Girl had dozens of people worshiping at his glittery heels when he swept up into the Taj Mahal in India this morning. Tommy's there with Anil Kapoor to promote Mission Impossible: Tommy Tries To Touch A Can On The Top Shelf Without A Step Ladder. If you've got permanent dirty phallic vision like I do, then I'm sure you noticed the giant white dick sticking out of Tommy's head. I'm sure Tommy did too, which is why he looks happier than the time he found a gay-free Coldstone Creamery on Yelp.

Tommy tried to keep his ass down through most of the photo call, because if he got up, his tingly prostate would jump out of his Scientolohole and hump all those phallic statues. It wouldn't be a pretty scene. Really, where was an emergency butt plug when Tommy really needed one?

An Australian woman named Valeska Paris used to be a member of Tommy Girl's Happy Time Fun Church Of Crazy (aka Scientology) and is now talking to the media about how she was pretty much forced into doing slave labor on the organization's cruise ship called Freewinds (not to be confused with Rosie O'Donnell's Big Gay Cruise). Valeska was allegedly sent to work on the ship as punishment after her mom quit Scientology. For 12 years, Valeska slaved away for up to 18 hours a day on the ship's lower levels and was treated like shit out of a Thetan's ass by Scientology's head bitch in charge David Miscaviage. Valeska somehow got away and even though she's permanently scarred and can't even watch a Carnival cruise ship commercial without busting into a panic attack, she has amazing stories to tell. Some of those stories came from the time she worked Tommy Girl's big gay birthday extravaganzaaaaaa in 2004. Nobody brings the crazy like Scientology so you know this shit is going to be good.

Valeska tells the Village Voice (via The Superficial) that before his imperial space highness beamed down onto the ship, the slaves were told to only address him as "sir" and to not ask him for an autograph. The party was basically a giant finger banging Tommy in the butt. It was a Tom Cruise-theme party and there posters of his movies everywhere and the band played songs from his movies (except the ones he did with Nicole Kidman). But Valeska didn't even get to work Tommy's birthday party because her lip committed an act of treason:

“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”
“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”

So that's why Katie "Herp Sore" Holmes always looks like she's been chained to a steam pipe for days on an end. Because she has!

Valeska wasn't the only woman on the ship who got punished:

And she says three young women from the IASA—the administration of the International Association of Scientologists—were disciplined after the party. "They were trying to get Tom's attention. So they were put in the engine room."

They really should've just put all of the women in the engine room at the beginning of the party, because we all know how pussies burst out a tsunami of barley cream every time Tommy sashays around. David Miscaviage knows this and warned the females of the crew before Tommy arrived:

“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.

If you gathered a million people in the same place and told that line, their full body laughs would send the earth flying into Xenu's volcano. They should make wallpaper with that line on it and cover the closet walls with it. Yeah, Tommy can't get near any woman or they will instantly fall in love with him, which is why he only surrounds himself with hot man pieces. "Sorry, I can't fuck you, because you have a vagina and you'll instantly fall in love with me" is probably a line Tommy used often. Well played, Tommy!

Here's a video from Tommy's birthday party of him trying to sing with The X-Factor's Stacy Francis. This is like that awkward moment during your office holiday party when you realize that your drunk co-worker who is acting the fool isn't drunk, he's just naturally fucking crazy.

If I was at that party, I'd find a way to give myself a cold sore so I could be banished to the damn engine room and put out of my misery.

And here's Tommy sweating his pit Thetans off with Brad Bird and Paula Patton at the press conference for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in Tokyo today. All you women folk, don't stare too long or else you'll fall in loooooove.

Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle's CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology's flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild's remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.

When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:

via TMZ

There's a good reason for why Tommy Cruise has that beauty shop glow about him like he just hopped off of two booster seats on a hairdresser's chair and sucked in attention from old ladies who gave him lollipops while telling him what a handsome mister man he is, because that's what just happened!

The bad news that made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown is that he had to cut the luscious locks that even took the breath away from Helene Curtis herself. Every time Tommy swept into the door of the Scientology sauna, the boys always hummed out the Salon Selectives song. That's not going to happen anymore. But the good news is that Tommy now looks like k.d. lang in her Vanity Fair cover days and that's an upgrade!

Tommy worked his butch bitch haircut in NYC yesterday and Pittsburgh today while getting ready to shoot the movie One Shot. Tommy is going to play the character of Jack Reacher who in the book is a 6'5" 250lb blond policeman. HA. Tommy is supposed to be taller and they cut that tiny bitch's hair? They should've given him a bouffant beehive instead. The only way Tommy can look 6'5" is if the other cast members are made up of the living members of the Lollipop Guild, the Little Chocolatiers, Matt Roloff, Ryan Gaycrest, Snooki, the Monopoly Scottie Dog, hamsters in bonnets and the Baby Jesuses from Modern Family. Even then, Tommy would have to stand on his tippity tip tip toes on an apple box and they'd have to stretch him in post-production Paula Abdul-style.