Trash

These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could've rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian's never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim's 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.

And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.

Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:

“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”

And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.

Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.

Chris Brown got 180 days of community service after he pleaded guilty to beating on RiRi and all he had to do was to complete all 180 days, but since he's an entitled anal sore, he didn't! Obviously. The Los Angeles Times, TMZ and Reuters say that the L.A. District Attorney is going to ask a judge to snatch away Chris Brown's probation, because they believe he faked most of his community service hours with a little help from his mother Mom Breezy and the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA.

Even though The Difficult Brown's case was in California, the judge still allowed him to complete all his community service in his home state of Virginia. The D.A. said that on Chris Brown's community service records they found three times when it was impossible for him to be doing community service, because he was either performing at a concert or riding on a private jet to Mexico.

Chris Brown also claims that he did hundreds of hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children's Center and his mom, who was the director there once, was in charge of giving him jobs and scheduling times for him to come in after-hours. But an administrator at the children's center said she never saw Chris Brown doing any work there. And Chris Brown says he waxed the floors there several times, but the dude who regularly waxes the floor says he's the only one who's touched those floors with wax for 3 years. The floor waxer guy also told the D.A. that one administrator at the children's center tried to get him to lie about Chris Brown waxing the floors, but he refused. Chris Brown also claimed that he picked up trash in "various alleys" around Richmond, but he didn't know which alleys exactly, because the paparazzi were always following him.

Bryan T. Norwood, Richmond's Chief of Police who knew Chris Brown personally before all of this (wink wink), wrote a letter to the judge last September saying that The Difficult Brown went above and beyond by doing 220 days of community service when he only needed to do 180 days. But the spreadsheets that Chris Brown turned in show that he only did 162 days of community service.

The D.A. says that either Chris Brown's community records are sloppy as shit or he made most of that mess up. There's a hearing in L.A. tomorrow and the D.A. wants the judge to take away Chris Brown's violation and force him to redo all those community service hours in L.A. County.

The D.A. is also going to bring up his parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean, his phone-snatching incident in Miami, his assault on a window at Good Morning America and the fact that he tested positive for weed.

The Difficult Brown's lawyer said that the D.A.'s office are out of their minds and they are slandering Chris Brown's pristine image as a responsible human adult.

Okay, Chris Brown is dumber than a dried dingle on a dog's hairy asshole for making up community service hours and thinking they weren't going to find out. But he's extra dumb for saying that he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was really wrapping his ten foot long pencil dick around some girl's neck on a private jet to Mexico. Of course they're going to find out. THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS EVERYTHING! Besides, we're really supposed to believe that Chris Brown spent 220 days of his life doing community service? When did he find the time to get into club fights and use his pool noodle dick to trick RiRi into thinking he's not a corroded ass wart anymore?

Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that it wasn't him on that private jet to Mexico, it was an HGH-addicted gremlin that they hired to be his double. Because I'd totally buy that.

That's a look that says, "Read the F U on my shirt."

After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko's), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohan are staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she's been so busy with "work." (I like how she says "work" like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn't met an adorable child she doesn't want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan's mother. The smart little girl wasn't having it. She knows that you don't take candy from strangers and you don't hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it's 18 years later and you're hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.

Here's the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:

White Oprah wasn't only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra's AC Slater and said that she's writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.

On how Lindsay Lohan's a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”

On how she's so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it's so much easier just stealing money from LiLo's purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo's bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”

On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

On how much hate is thrown at her: "I'm probably the most misunderstood mother in America."

On why she's writing a tell-all: "I feel I'm a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life... I want it to be a helpful book."

On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”

On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: "Yes, I just want to babysit."

That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, "Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn't you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?"

When the talking fart bubble out of Jabba the Hutt's ass known as Donald Trump publicly told President Obama that he'd give $5 million to the president's charity of choice if the president produced his college records and shit, Bill Maher jokingly threw a proposition at Trump. On The Tonight Show last month, Bill Maher said that he'd give $5 million to Trump's charity of choice if Trump proved that his mother didn't make him by screwing an orangutan bareback-style. Bill Maher basically said that Trump's hair looks like an orangutan's dirty ass, so he wouldn't be surprised if his biological father was an ape. Makes sense to me!

Donald Trump says that he has coughed up a copy of his birth certificate that says he is the father of Fred Trump, a human person, and Bill Maher hasn't paid up. So Trump filed a lawsuit in L.A. today to get that $5 million. Trump queefed out this statement to Politco:

“I don’t know whether this case will be won or lost, but I felt a major obligation to bring it on behalf of the charities. Bill Maher made an unconditional offer while offer while on The Jay Leno Show and I, without hesitation, accepted his offer and provided him with the appropriate documentation. Prior demands for payment went ignored by Mr. Maher despite the fact that the beneficiaries of this suit will ultimately be the charities […] who would share equally the $5 million — something I am certain they can desperately use."

Trump wants to donate the money to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, American Cancer Society, Hurricane Sandy Victims, March of Dimes and the Police Athletic League. Trump also said on Fox & Friends this morning that he doesn't think Bill Maher was joking when he made the bet. Trump's lawyers couldn't be reached for comment, because their mouths were otherwise occupied with the act of laughing at how he keeps throwing stupid money at them.

In related news, orangutans everywhere have filed a class action lawsuit against Bill Maher for defamation for saying that Donald Trump is part their species. Gloria Allred is representing them and they will win.

Somewhere in between Taco Bell's commercial titled "Madonna at the Club" and GoDaddy's ad, which put the Bar in BARF, a 60-second commercial for the Church of Scientology aired in a bunch of cities including NYC and L.A. The Scientology bath house will have to cut costs by switching from barley-scented Wet lube to generic lube, because Radar says running their shitty commercial during the Super Bowl cost them around $8 million.

As a bunch of stock footage of young people played, a voice over spewed out these stupid words that really mean nothing:

“To the curious, the inquisitive, the seekers of knowledge. To the ones who just want to know about life, about the universe, about yourself. Not cute questions, big questions, one’s that matter. To the rebels, the artists, the free thinkers and the innovators who care less about labels and more about truth. Who believe non-conformity's more than a bumper sticker. That knowledge is more than words on a page. You're young, you're old, you're powerful beyond measure and the fuel of that power is not magic or mysticism, but knowledge. The things you see, the things you feel, the things you know to be true. Sure, some will doubt you. Let them. Dare to think for yourself, to look for yourself, to make up your own mind. Because in the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that's true is what's true for you."

That part about "cute questions" was totally shade directed at Tommy Girl, because you know he's raised his hand during meetings and asked, "Does my bubble butt bottom look cute in these Bugle Boy jeans?"

And THIS is how those crazies are trying to recruit new members to brainwash? This is more like an ad for library membership or for pot brownies. If they really wanted to recruit new bitches, their commercial should've been nothing but shots of John Travolta and Tommy Girl dancing topless to a disco remix of the Close Encounters theme song as the bath house boys sucked the Thetans off of each other's dicks in the background. The tagline should've been:

Scientology: Does Your Church Have A Glory Hole In It?*

* ignore the question if you're Catholic

After Chris Brown and Frank Ocean battled to be the Queen of the Parking Space, The Difficult Brown used his hands to make this busted down, community college art class painting of Jesus and his back-up cross hangers. Fist Brown posted his painting on Instagram and added the note: "Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!" By the look of this painting, I'm guessing what really matters to Chris Brown is man abs, because DAMN he spent a lot of time with Jesus' rock hard ab biscuits and V muscle. Jesus take the ab wheel! But couldn't Jesus stop doing ab crunches for a minute so that he could dye his beard to match his hair? How are you going to spread the good word with a beard that is several shades lighter than your hair? Jesus would never work the two-tone look so this painting is a FRAUD!

While The Difficult Brown is off comparing himself to Jesus, the New York Post says that Frank Ocean is thinking about pressing charges against him. Frank still claims that Fist Brown threw the first punch that started the brawl. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department says that Chris Brown hasn't been hit with charges yet, but they are investigating. TMZ says that Fist Brown wants to talk to the police with his lawyer, because he claims he never hit anyone. The fight apparently started in the parking lot and then moved to the lobby where Chris Brown's dudes and Frank Ocean's dudes wrecked the whole place up. The surveillance footage from the lobby fight shows Team Breezy and Team Ocean creating waves in the lobby (Get it, because breezy + ocean = waves? Leave me alone, it's early!), but the video never shows Chris or Frank throwing a punch. There's no surveillance footage from the parking lot, so nobody knows who started it.

Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that his client could never throw a punch at Frank, because Frank doesn't have a vagina and tits. A valid argument! Not guilty! All charges dropped! But seriously, all of this over a stupid ass parking space? Everybody involved needs to have their licenses revoked and should be forced to take the bus from now on, because they are not worthy of any parking space. Slapping a trick over a parking space is just some dumb shit. When somebody steals your parking space, this is how you handle it:

Learn from Evelyn Couch. TOWANDA!

Because Chris Brown is still a throbbing pus-filled ass pimple that refuses to pop, he and his entourage got into a huge fight with Frank Ocean and Frank Ocean's entourage at the Westlake recording studio in West Hollywood last night. We all know that Chris Brown would karate chop a baby bunny in the froat if he thought that baby bunny was looking at him funny, but there's two sides to this mess of a story and one side says that Frank Ocean started it.

A member of Team Fist Brown tells TMZ that when Chris started to leave the studio last night, Frank stopped him and let the Difficult Brown know who's the head bitch of parking lot spaces by saying, "This is my studio, this is my parking lot." Chris apparently tried to smooth things over by shaking Frank's hand, but when he put his arm out, one of Frank's dudes attacked a bitch. That's when one of Fist Brown's dudes jumped in and went after Frank's friend. The police were called after Fist Brown and Frank Ocean started throwing fists at each other. Fist Brown took off before the police arrived, but Frank Ocean stayed to talk to them. Frank told the police that the fight started over a parking space and Fist Brown punched him in the face first. The police are calling Frank Ocean "the victim" because he stayed around to talk to them and the police want to have words with Fist Brown.

But Frank Ocean went on Twitter right after the brawl and said that The Difficult Brown is the one who started it by jumping him. (FYI: Everest is Frank Ocean's dog and he definitely would've handled that situation by side-eyeing a bitch out the exit door.)

The New York Post also co-signs Frank's statement. They heard from other witnesses that Fist Brown is the one who fisted Frank in the face first.

Hmmm, who to believe? Who to believe? A dude, who as far as I know doesn't have a history of beating people or a spoiled, dried up, bleached dingle berry who nearly punched his girlfriend's face off and throws daily tantrums over the dumbest shit? This is a hard one!

And I hope that while Frank and Fist Brown were brawling over who gets to park their $100,000 car in that parking space, a tow truck showed up, pulled Fist Brown's car out of that space and Angelyne drove her pink Corvette right into it. Because Angelyne is the true queen of parking spaces in L.A. Truth.

So now after reading that headline, you're not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you're lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she's been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it's helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim's leg. Kim starts screaming "EWW! EWWW!," which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would've never been famous if it wasn't for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, "That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out." I say that every time Kim squeezes a "thought" out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati's golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here's Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.

In the span of 9 days, Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 announced that she was knocked up with a do-over baby, filed charges against her husband of a few weeks for allegedly beating her ass and then went to the hospital because there were complications with her pregnancy. Then early this morning, Jenelle and her ex-boyfriend Gary Head live-tweeted her miscarriage. As I file legal papers asking for extradition to another planet, read this mess:

Pimp Mama Kris doesn't know what to do first: slow clap or take notes.

One of Jenelle's friends told Radar this morning that she did lose her baby and so her mother Barbara doesn't have to move to a different city and change her name, because it turns out she won't have to take care of another kid. A lot of commenters at Radar think that Jenelle was never pregnant and she and her husband Courtland Rogers came up with this scam to get a quick check from Radar. So either Jenelle live-tweeted a fake miscarriage or she live-tweeted a real miscarriage. Whatever the case may be, I'm still going to try to jack a space pod from the Scientology garage, because it's the only way I'll get off this planet. I'll meet you there. Don't give Jenelle our forwarding address.