Two and a Half Men

Seen above in what looks like a still from the douche-ified remake of Weekend at Bernies with Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher, Angus T. Jones is no longer going to sell out his pristine soul by starring as a regular on the dark-sided unholy sin show that is Two and a Half Men. Angus T. Jones said in a video for his church last year that nobody should watch the TV show that put millions of dollars into his checking account, because it's a filthy piece of trash. If this Angus bitch really thinks Two and a Half Men is Lucifer's filthiest work, then he'd probably really run to Jesus if he peeked into my Tivo, because my Tivo is filled with Gigolos episodes, Skinemax movies and the most evil show of them all 19 Kids & Counting.

Entertainment Weekly says that CBS has officially renewed Two and a Half Men and Angus won't be a regular, but he will do a few episodes here and there throughout the season. So Angus is only going to go against God part-time instead of full-time.

And unless Khloe Kardashian replaces Angus full-time, the show should probably change its name to Two Men or One Man and a Human Suppository.

God hates Two and a Half Men, but God loves money and respecting contracts more. Angus T. Jones has let out a half-assed apology for saying in a video for his Christian church that he hates the show that makes him $8 million a season,  because it's so filthy and unholy that it plays in porn theaters in Hell's ninth circle. Two and a Half Men's producers haven't said anything about Anus (typo and it stays) telling people not to watch his shit show and he hasn't been back on the set since. To make things a little less awkward at work, Angus has sort of said sorry to those who have made him a multi-millionaire. The future Kirk Cameron said this:

I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear.

Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family.

Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them.

I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.

I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.

What Angus really means is: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away most of my good Christian soul and I'll have to give a lot of hand jobs to bananas to get pure again, but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire and how can I go against God's wishes?"

I can't argue with Angus. I don't watch Two and a Half Men and now I'm really not going to watch it, because God is speaking through a child actor and telling me not to watch it. You know, I think God is also speaking to me through my TV screen, because I just looked up and watched a commercial for El Pollo Loco's new chocolate nachos. Obviously, God wants me to go to El Pollo Loco and eat those chocolate nachos, so I'm going to do that....for God.

via Deadline

Regularly inhaling Charlie Sheen's coke and call girl snatch breath would make almost any kid run straight to Jesus and that's exactly what 19-year-old Angus T. Jones has done and then some. For the past ten seasons, Angus has played the half man in Two and a Half Men and it's made him the highest paid child actor in television. But every time Angus gets a $350,00 check from CBS, he happily cashes in it and then washes his hands in holy water, because that money is dark-sided and has the blood of Satan all over it.

Back in October, Angus shot some kind of testimonial for the Forerunner Christian Church and at the 7:30 mark he tells Christians not to watch the television show that made him a child millionaire. I don't watch Two a Half Men, because it's a total shit show. But Angus thinks you shouldn't watch his show, because it's filled with filth and is probably on Lucifer's Tivo To Do List. Dumbass didn't bite the hand that feeds. He gnawed that shit off by saying this:

"Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."

Angus then goes on to say that he doesn't want to be helping the enemy and that he can't be a God-fearing person when he's on a show like that and (insert more Christian stuff here). Angus also recently said that he's signed on for another year and that God wants him there for a reason.

That video is like his audition tape for The Trinity Network's Two and a Half Christians starring Kirk Cameron and Stephen Baldwin.

So basically, Angus is saying he's an undercover agent for God? He's learning about the enemy by working for the enemy? Angus' handler God is totally not going to like that he blew his cover.

And I should've done some research before watching this video, because now I'm afraid of the effects it will have on my brain.

via The Hollywood Reporter

This is the first ad for the next season of Two and a Half Men starring Ashton Kutcher and shit is not staring off well. Was it really necessary for CBS to make those of us with gutter brains imagine Jon Cryer, douche Jesus and that former fat kid airing their peens out just inches apart from each other? Did I really need to see the look on Jon's face when he stares at Ashton's totally shaved crotch and realizes it looks like G.I. Jane with a deviated septum. No.

And I'm guessing the all in "all will be revealed" is that these three are really mutants who can stretch their torsos all long and shit like Gumby.

via EW

As Jon Cryer throws the same look of uncertainty I make when my sister takes me to a vegan restaurant and Angus T. Jones laughs at the insane amount of money he's fucking making right now (he does that a lot), Ashton Kutcher thinks about the treasures he's going to find buried in Charlie Sheen's old trailer (a silicone vagina filled with 8-balls, a hooker's right leg, who knows...).

Jon, Ashton and Angus gathered together at the CBS upfronts in NYC yesterday as the new cast of the next (and probably last) season of Two and a Half Men. Yeah, I know people are saying that CBS should just bury Two and a Half Men in the octagon next to Charlie Sheen's sanity, but let these hos make as much money as they can while it's still possible. Jon Cryer needs to buy more shiny suits. Ashton needs to buy Demi Moore a new face and a new pair of heat-resistant nipples. And Angus needs more money to drown the image of Charlie Sheen snorting yellow cocaine off of a gorilla's pec while a midget porn star threw multicolored mini marshmallows at his asshole in his trailer. So more money for them! I can still hate. But I can't fully hate.

And is it just me, or does this picture look like the three stages of a male-to-female sex change (you decide who goes with which stage).