What The Fuck Were You Thinking

Lara Flynn Boyle has been pulling, tucking and filling her face for years now, and when pictures of her leaving a liquor store in L.A. came out yesterday, some hos figured that she put herself under the plastic surgeon's scalpel again. But some plastic surgeon, who hasn't worked on, Lara's face tells Radar that in his professional opinion, either Lara went in for some face renovations or the fillers are melting. That's it! Dr. Anthony Youn explained it like this when Radar asked him why Lara's face looks like a jabbawockeez mask baking under a fast food heat lamp:

"Lara Flynn Boyle's face looks like it's melting. Now her face looks like it's deflated, with resultant loose skin. I suspect that she's either undergone corrective surgery to reverse some of the work that was previously performed, or has just plain allowed the plumping fillers to dissipate, leaving her with sagging cheeks."

Who ever said that Botox is like crack for your face never told any lies, because you have to keep injecting that crap into your face or it will do the sad skull slide and you'll end up looking like a really sad plastic blobfish. Woe is Lara. Lara could be smiling in these pictures because she just got a good deal on a vintage bottle of Strawberry Hill, but you wouldn't know since she permanently looks like a constipated duck who just got the worst news ever. The sad duck look IS not the look. Although, think of all the traffic tickets and shit Lara gets out of. Only a heartless police officer would give a ticket to a sad duck.

I could try to write a 4,000 page series of horror novels in the style of Bram Stoker solely based on the Wildenstein-ing of Lil' Kim's face and the Top Ramen-ing of her crunchy weave, but it's THOSE BROWS that are giving me a headache from the chorus of terrifying screams trying to bust out of my head. This is Kim at last night's Rip the Runway and loooooooooord.

Lil' Kim could make an exact replica of La Toya Jackson's face out of puppet skin and fix it onto the front of her head with silicone staples, and I'd say, "Eh." Lil' Kim could pull chunks of old weave out of Beyonce's plumbing pipes and tack it onto her head using Elmer's and I'd still say, "Eh." But Bitch has gone way too far when she's made her eyebrows look like something a waiter at Olive Garden should have in his hand while he asks me if I'd like freshly grated cheese on my chicken alfredo. Those brows look like mustard powder too. Brows should not look like a condiment!

I just want to rip off those chimney brush lashes and scrape off that dusty shit on Kim's brows. Kim wouldn't totally look like a Medusa Bratz doll if she didn't bread her brows (brows milanese?). Okay, yes she would, but still.

I swear, this is the reason that I cry. Those brows look diseased. I wish Kim had a PayPal donation button next to those brows, because I'd put a few dollars in so she can take them to see a gynecologist. Don't let anybody tell you that yeast infection brows are the look.

I've already posted one picture of Chris Brown's mouth-breathing face today and we're all going to sleep in a shell made of roach motels after watching Pimp Mama Kris give birth to the Kardashians, so I figured that we've all been put through enough horrifying disgustingness for today and deserve a bouquet of kittens! Because even though the story below is some head shaking shit, it won't be that annoying when you've got a bouquet of young pussies to distract you for a second. Just don't tell me that the kitten in the middle is suffocating.

Outraged parents of America, organize your RiRi CD burning parties, because she's definitely riding on Chris Brown's skinny yard stick dick again. TMZ says that Chris went to RiRi's birthday party at the Hearst Mansion on Monday night and behaved like the ass bag that he is by making everybody sign a confidentiality agreement before he went inside. That party was obviously full of dumb bitches, because most of them signed an agreement stating that they will not tell the media that Chris was at RiRi's party. Once Chris' bodyguards collected all the signed agreements, the spoiled piece of shit went inside and spent most of the night getting on RiRi. Chris' rep says that he was at the party, but he only made the workers and people who took his picture sign the agreements.

There's also a rumor that Chris will sing on RiRi's Birthday Cake (Remix). I think an Ike & Tina cover would be more appropriate, but that's just me.

Chris Brown and RiRi hugging each other at her party after he made her guests sign some stupid shit is the reason why we can roll our eyes. Sometimes you just have to respond to a story with a lukewarm: whatthefuckever. Let's look at cake instead!

Yes, that is RiRi's actual cake. At first I thought it was Mousie from Mi Vida Loca riding a severed uncut dick or a piece of white dog shit. Then I figured out that it was RiRi riding a giant joint spliff. RiR's cake, please meet Cakewrecks. Leave it to RiRi to make a delicious joint spliff look like a visual dry heave. The pimple on my nipple looks more like RiRi that that shit on her cake does.

My 6-year-old self could've made a better cake in my sister's half-broken Easy Bake Oven and I was dumber then than I am now (or is it, I was smarter then than I am now?). RiRi's party sounds about as pleasant as sucking on a urinal cake. You've got RiRi and Chris making out in the corner and an ugly cake. Every single ho at the party could probably tell exactly how many tiles were on the ceiling, because that's what they stared at all night since it was the only safe place for their eyes to go.