You Tried It

On the right is Michelle Williams after Edward Scissorhands did her up and on the left is an emo guinea pig who would care about Michelle stealing its look, but it's too busy crying and dying on the inside.

Like I even need to ask who won this Hair Battle Spectacular. Michelle Williams TRIED IT and she can use those ode to Robert Smith hanging pieces to floss her top teeth or pick her nose if she doesn't want to use her finger, but the emo guinea pig has this now and forever. If you're going to work the emo guinea pig haircut, you have to at least look like you're on the verge of crying tears of infinite sadness and that your life is a never-ending Smiths song. Michelle Williams is smiling! That ruins everything. But really, when are celebrities (I'm also talking to your ass too, Justin Bieber) going to realize that the emo guinea pig haircut only works when you're an emo guinea pig!

Emo guinea pig, you won this round like you win all those rounds. Although, I doubt you care, so just shrug and go back to painting your guinea pig nails black.

Here's Michelle, Kelly Bensimon, Giada De Laitstooearlyformetogooglethecorrectspellingofhername, Kate Mara and Maggie Gyllenhaal at the launch of Kate Young for Target in NYC last night.

Just like she is with everything else, Lindsay Lohan was late to April Fools' Day and twatted out this pregnancy announcement earlier this morning. In her defense, LiLo uses the cokehead calendar, so she has no idea what day, week, month, year or decade it is. If you could give birth to a FAS-faced 8-ball from snorting mountains of coke and guzzling down gallons of vodka, then I'd believe her. But if she was really pregnant, we'd know it, because she'd immediately give birth to the Four Horsemen and heaven would swallow the earth whole, ending our misery. So the only thing she's pregnant with is desperation.

And only Lindsay Lohan could make me feel sorry for a fake fetus.

Since JLo was told to not show any pastry puff labia, side tit and/or ass cleavage, she copy+pasted Angie Joli's fame whore leg move and came out to the Grammys tonight wearing a dress that was cut up all the way to the place where Casper Smart refuses to go unless she waves a $100 bill in front of it. This will show those prude bitches with tightened assholes in CBS' Standards and Practices Department. They can ban as many body parts as they want, but JLo will still find the one body part they didn't ban and whore the hell out of that body part, because she's that desperate for camera clicks.

It's a good thing that CBS didn't try to ban "fame whoring legs," because if they did JLo would've had to get attention by spreading her ass cheeks and flashing her bleached culito lips. CBS didn't say anything about bleached culito lips.

Kim Kardashian's film career has really come full circle. Kim started out in the world of cinema by playing a half-dead seal who gets clubbed by Ray-J's boomerang dick and now she's starring opposite Ray-J's sister in a movie where she plays a wooden mannequin who was brought to life (I'm being generous with "brought to life") when the Blue Fairy pissed on her. This is the trailer for Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor and it's about a marriage counselor (duh) who confesses (duh) about having an affair with a rich and possibly evil man, because her boring husband puts her pussy to sleep.

The cast list reads like a game of One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. It stars Denise from Full House, Vanessa Williams (doing some kind of Caribbean accent), Lance Gross, Brandy, Robbie Jones and Kim Kardashian.

Kim must've went to the same acting academy as Bristol Palin, because they both have the emotional range of a warped wooden butt plug. I've had interactions with Siri that were more human and natural than the interaction Kim has with Denise from Full House in that trailer. On a positive note, at least we know that Kim can sort of read since she obviously read those lines off of cue cards. And by "cue cards," I mean penises. They wrote her lines on penises.

And here's Kim walking around today.

Miley Cyrus completed her transformation into the chipmunk Billy Idol last night when she screamed out "Rebel Yell" at VH1 Divas Live. Since she's a hardcore rock bitch now, Miley grabbed at her cooter, molested her own chipmunk chichis and screeched out an ear drum-bursting sound that made Billy Idol pick up the phone and call a suicide prevention hotline. Who ever "she" is needs to stop crying out for MORE MORE MORE, because all of us want LESS LESS LESS of this mess. People call animal control when they hear sounds like the sound that came out of Miley's mouth last night.

Not only does Billy Ray's finest kin need to step away from rock songs forever, but she also needs to step away from all bottles of peroxide. Bitch is looking more and more like Jane Child's toddler son who was fed moonshine instead of milk as a baby. But on a positive note, I will slap a gold star on Miley's forehead for wearing a formal version of The Slut Dress.

There was this extremely hot veteran chola who worked in the front office at my mom's job and almost every time I saw her gorgeous face, her lips were covered with skin-colored lipstick and dark brown lip liner, and her eyes were decorated with black liquid eyeliner and frosted eye white shadow. She was a Winter on top and a Fall on the bottom. That was her signature look. But one December, she told me that she wanted to debut a new face at the company holiday party and was going to spend one of her lunch hours getting her face glamoured up at one of the makeup counters at Robinsons-May. I used to go to my mom's work after school and one afternoon I walked into the office and saw my veteran chola friend with a face that was painted up exactly the same way Kristen Stewart's face was painted up for the AFI Festival screening of On the Road in L.A. last night. Dreadful.

She looked busted and I didn't need to say it, because she said it for me. I think she said she looked like Witchy Poo (which was kind of funny since her signature look was kind of Witchy Poo-ish) and that she looked like she was going to a funeral, her funeral. If I didn't know she spent her lunch hour experimenting with her beauty, I'd just assume that she got kinky with her man and let him suck on her eyelids. Those were some hickey eyes and I wanted to hand her a frozen spoon. That taught my veteran chola friend to never ever stray away from frosted white eye shadow again.

And if a veteran chola can't pull off that look, then Kristen Stewart definitely can't.

Here's more of KStew, Garrett GiveMeHedlund and Amy Adams at last night's screening. Even though KStew's outfit fits like a Trojan Magnum on a pencil dick, I still like it. It's very Jody Watley back-up singer.

I know, Dover's bloomin' arse should wet fart on me for even asking that question.

For whatever reason, Nicole Kidman kept Halloween going by putting on a short, Dollar Tree version of the hot outfit Audrey Hepburn wore in the Royal Ascot scene in My Fair Lady. The Botoxed ice cube copy + pasted Audrey's look for Victoria Derby Day at the Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne today and told reporters that she's paying homage to My Fair Lady, "It's inspired by My Fair Lady. It's one of my favourite movies. We decided to do something that was fun and a bit different."

Nicole Kidman looks about as human as an Eliza Doolittle Barbie doll, but I'm going to keep the shade to a minimum. Because I'm actually surprised that Tommy Girl didn't completely ruin Nicole Kidman's ability to have fun and I can't believe the ice queen of Australia feels emotions. Unless, Nicole Kidman is just trying to trick us into thinking she can actually have fun. Yeah, I shouldn't trust a ho who doesn't have pores.

Since Miley Cyrus is going around lately looking like a 1990s hooker, it took me a minute to realize this wasn't Miley in her usual grocery store-going outfit. This is Julia Roberts' niece and Eric Roberts' daughter Emma Roberts going to a Halloween party with her dude Evan Roberts from American Horror Story (Note: His last name is Peters, but I felt like I really needed to make you overdose on Roberts by typing the last name Roberts one more time. Roberts.) Because Emma Roberts really wanted young bitches to come to her all night and say, "OHMYGAWD, you're dressed like your auntie in that old movie that plays on AMC. How cute!", she dressed up like her auntie in Pretty Woman.

Julia Roberts never looked like a real-life pussy peddler to me and neither does Emma Roberts, so she pulled off the faux hooker look. But it's Evan Peters I'm throwing hate at. Dude didn't even dress up. Don't try to tell me that he's wearing a costume, because I refuse to believe he is. That's how he normally dresses, because that's how everyone in L.A. normally dresses. Evan missed out on a huge opportunity. Evan could've thrown a severe white wig on his head, put icy blue contacts in his eyes, bought a black ruffled hair bow from a store that specializes in hair accessories from the early 90s for bitchy toddlers and gone as the most pivotal character in Pretty Woman. Evan could've been the Snobby Saleswoman #2 to Emma Roberts' Vivian. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!

No post about Pretty Woman is complete without the original GOOP, Marie. Mitt Romney should've picked Marie as his running mate, because nobody hates on the poor like she does.

At Manhattan's Pier 54 last night, professional stander David Blaine slipped on a pair of rubber panties and put on a chain mail suit he bought from Cher's old Sanctuary catalog to stand on a pedestal while electric bolts hit his armor. David is going to do this for a total of 72 hours and it's streaming live on YouTube, but don't click over there unless you want to be annoyed by music that'll make you feel like you're at Medieval Times. Like all of his STUNT QUEEN stunts, David is not eating, sleeping, is drinking water out of a tube and has got a catheter shoved up his piss slit. So basically it's like that one time Hugh Hefner's nurse/ho mistakenly gave him an Ecstasy tab instead of his Flinstones chewable vitamin.

Because David is protected by a Faraday suit and is harnessed to that pedestal thing, many aren't exactly impressed with this stunt including John Belcher, a physicist at MIT. John talked to Today about this and said, "David, you not in danger, girl."

"He has a conducting suit, all the current is going through the suit, nothing through his body. There is no danger in this that I see. I would do it, and I am 69 years old and risk-averse. I just would have to take a nap."

Now, I'm not saying my ass could do this, because I couldn't. I like sitting down, sleeping, eating things, shitting into a toilet and wearing sweats too much. But not eating for 72 hours? Please. 12-year-old models and GOOPY Paltrow conquer that twice a week! Not sleeping for 72 hours? Please. Junkies on meth and single working mothers already do that! Wearing a really uncomfortable chain mail suit? Please. John Travolta wears that every time Kelly Preston tells him she wants to cuddle in her bed tonight. And that electrocution shit? Somebody's dad (I'm not saying yours) is trying that on the nipples of somebody's mom tonight, because they got a little TOO into 50 Shades of Grey.

What I'm saying is that a more dangerous stunt would be if David Blaine tried to plug a hairdryer into a loose electrical socket in the bathroom of a NYC apartment that was built in the 1930s. Now that is some real danger.

In an Internet commercial for Smartwater, Jennifer Aniston does something no other celebrity has ever done before by making fun of herself and the rumors about her for a check. Jennifer strapped on Beyonce's hand-me-down silicone baby cocoon to laugh at all the pregnancy rumors and she pulled off her Rachel wig to show us that in her natural state she looks like It's Pat after a brow wax (or like a Puerto Rican lunch lady circa 1982, or like Prince on The View yesterday). Yeah, whatever, but where are the scenes of her staging the mock birth of her favorite Beanie Baby in the makeshift labor room in her basement or the scenes of her and Angie Jolie plotting the next chapter of the longest-running publicity stunt known as their feud? That's because those aren't rumors. They're truths according totheMaddoxImadeupinmyheadbecauseimfuckingcrazy.