I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night's Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit's friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.

You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn't) and they told me (no, they didn't) that Ke$ha's pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That's not her piss. That's obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.

Detectives with the Las Vegas Metro Police Department are investigating a claim from a woman who says that former baseball player turned Twitter rambler Jose Canseco raped her on May 10th. Before it even made TMZ or any other site, Jose got a huge case of Twitterrhea and started shitting out all sorts of tweets against his accuser. Jose tweeted her name, phone number, work address and a picture of her to his 512,000 followers. Jose also tweeted crap like, "Wow thats funny i raped u then y did u have ur clothing off as soon as we left the club in my car," before deleting most of his tweets. Jose left a few tweets up and he quoted Jack Nicholson and Madonna in two of them:

Wow now people r threatening me not to tell the truth.whats the matter u cant handle the truth

Truth or dare. I dare u to take a polygragh on national tv.i will take one

Everything I learned about law I learned from Judge Judy, the court room scenes in Dynasty and Ally McBeal (in other words, the only thing I know about law is to wear a hot outfit to court and work on a catchphrase that you can spit out while testifying), but I'm pretty sure it's probably not a good idea to encourage a bunch of people to harass the woman accusing you of raping her. That's not a good move. But then again, this is Jose Canseco we're talking about. Roids not only shrank his nuts, but they shrank his brain too.... and whatever sense of fashion he had. Case in point: that shirt.

While watching Jennifer Aniston's skit for Ellen with Matthew Perry and Courteney Cox, I kept thinking to myself that this needs a laugh track and rich people have really weird front door areas - Lainey Gossip

Things that make Katie Holmes wet, and no, it's not the thought of being free from Tommy Girl  - Drunken Stepfather

The Silver Fox would NEVER! - The Superficial 

This is the view Eva Mendes sees right before she tosses your boyfriend's salad - Towleroad

Every time Lourdes Leon comes back from one of her supervised dates, she should make Madge's veins pop by blasting "Like A Virgin" in her room - Celebitchy

Petra Nemcova's newly bleached weave looks a little parched - Hollywood Tuna

The wonderful effects of weed: 30-year-old dude dances next to his 20-year-old self to the Dixie Chicks' cover of "Landslide" and I'm assuming that a bong was involved - The Berry 

Anne Hathaway's hair is started to veer into Tabatha Coffey territory - Popoholic

EXTRAVAGANZA ALERT: Every ensemble that RuPaul has worn down the runway on RuPual's Drag Race - OMG Blog

Basement Baby sneaks out of the house wearing the clothes she made out of grandmas 1970 wallpaper - Just Jared

Ewan McGregor on the set of his new movie Skinny Jeans & Pomade: The Justin Theroux Story - Popsugar

Lara Lieto takes the Afghan Hound prince for a walk - I'm Not Obsessed

Sharon Stone's nalgas look like a peach dipped in blue paint - IDLYITW

I'm still trying to figure out how's there's a part 6 to The Fast and the Furious - Moe Jackson

"Why couldn't Jesse James have been working on his motorcycle with his peen?" asked Kat Von D - HuffPo 

I really thought this was Albita for a second - Reality Tea

The "Don't Be A Slut" dress code goes against EVERYTHING I believe in - Jezebel

Vintage Heidi Klum - SOW

In case you needed to be reminding about how damn rich  Ellen DeGeneres is - ICYDK

via Kotaku (Thanks, Benjamin)

It's the most wonderful and joyous time of year again when we all look at half-naked Naval Academy freshmen dudes (and a couple of girls) climb over each other's half-naked bodies while making their way up a Crisco'd up monument.

When John Travolta tells the Scientology doctors that he feels like greased-up Thetans are crawling all over his crotch, this is what they see after they put his peen under a Thetan-seeing microscope. But seriously, Scientologists do believe in shape-shifting, so if monument is wearing a lace front wig next year, we'll all know that John Travolta learned a new skill.

Demi Moore is still living the life. She's running around in a bikini, popping her cougar puss at clubs and humping on a young hot Australian piece with a pearl-embedded dick. Demi is supposedly getting it on a 30-year-old Australian pearl diver who loves pearls so much that he got one implanted into his dick shaft. This brings a whole new meaning to "give me that pearl necklace."

Demi first met Will Hanigan a month ago during a 3-day-program to get certified as a Kundalini Yoga instructor and they've been boning ever since. Demi jumps from young piece to young piece after a couple of days, so I'm guessing that she's keeping this dude around, because he sort of looks like Thor and because he's got an opulent peen. He's got pearl dick. A source tells the NYDN, “He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens. It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

The NYDN asked a Manhattan urologist about Will's pearl dick and he said that in his professional opinion, he should probably get it taken out, but he can see how it rubs the sugar walls of Will's sex partner the right way.

Because this story is about dicks, I did some extensive research (aka looked on Google images for pictures of beaded peens) and found this little explain about "genital pearling" on BME Encyclopedia:

Genital beading is a body modification which involves the implantation of beads under the skin of the shaft of the penis. These are done primarily for the purpose of physical stimulation (for both the wearer and their partner), as well as everywhere for aesthetic reasons.Genital beading is more commonly done by men, but, recently, a handful of women have adapted this mod as well.

It is important to note that not all sexual partners enjoy the feeling of genital beads. If your partner doesn't like studded dildos and condoms, you may want to consider not getting this modification. Also, the legality of this procedure varies from region to region, but in general, similar laws apply to small-scale beading as apply to genital piercing.

If you want to see a pair of pussy lips looking like two pea pods and if you want to see pictures of some bubble peens, (NSFW) click here.

I have a feeling this piece is going to stick around for a while. Will does yoga, which means he's flexible. Will is a pearl diver, which means he can hold his breath for a long time and knows his way around an oyster. And Will's got a pearl embedded into the trunk of his peen, which means he can make Demi's heart flutter by saying, "I wanna drop my pearl into your oyster." All the other young dudes can get out of the line, because this one's here to stay.

Let's all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men's Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he's a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

"Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn't have done Ferris Bueller's Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it's part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he'd be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors."

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart's head on Vin Diesel's body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It's Hollywood. It's the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, "It's make believe!"

And here's the dude we'll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

Scottsdale, Arizona is about to lose its title as the customer service capital of the world, because one of the reigning kings of customer service, Samy Bouzaglo of Amy's Baking Company, might be sent back to his homeland. The U.S. Immigration Department might say the same shit to Samy that Crazy Amy said to a prospective customer: WE DON'T LET SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU HERE!

AZ Central says that Samy, who screamed his way into America's hearts on the already legendary episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was at a hearing in court yesterday for his ongoing immigration case that was opened 2 years ago. Samy is in danger of being thrown out of the country and sent back to Israel, because he never told immigration about how he spent time in prison for selling drugs and extorting people before he came to the U.S. 13 years ago. If you live in France or Germany, you can smile an extra smile today, because Samy can't legally enter your country, because he's banned there.

AZ Central was able to get Samy on the phone to talk about this latest mess in his mess of a life and they said that as he was talking, Crazy Amy kept screaming over him and the two fought a lot. But Samy was able to spit this out:

“The FBI knows all about me.... The IRS knows. I want people to know about me. But not today, not tomorrow. I have nothing to hide.”

Are we sure those words that came out of Samy's crazy hole and not the lyrics to Lauryn Hill's next single?

Click here if you need to see a video of Samy acting crazy when a reporter from AZ Central asked him about getting kicked out of the country.

Yesterday, Samy and Crazy Amy (born name: Crazy Amanda) re-opened Amy's Baking Company and they said they had over 1,500 reservations for the week, but barely anybody showed up. Their re-opening was a flop and the people that did show up (to see Crazy Amy's "lion on meth" crazy eyes in person) were turned away for not having a reservation. And then, Samy and Crazy Amy released this "press release" before their re-opening:

SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 -- Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.

Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.

When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.

CYBER BULLYING! For being dumb bitches, they really are a couple of crazy geniuses.

Leonardo DiCaprio used to be able to stroll into any modeling agency in the world, walk up to the wall of pictures, point to any model and say "I'll take that one, no need to wrap her up!", and he'd get her. But those days are coming to an end and he got triple-slapped across the face by something called REJECTION when 20-year-old "it" model Cara Delevingne refused to go back to his hotel room with his 38-year-old ass.

Life & Style (via Page Six) says that at a party at Cannes for The Great Gatsby, Leo kept trying and trying and trying and trying to get Cara to give him her time and she did what so many Oscar voters have done for years: she ignored his ass. If only Rose was determined to hold on to Jack's hand as much as Leo was determined to get Cara onto his peen, the bitch would've never let go!

Because the sight of a sad, lonely, ho-loving dog pawing at her feet was trying to ruin her buzz, Cara finally gave him her number. Some source said this:

“Leo kept hitting on her at the ‘Great Gatsby’ bash at Cannes. He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined. Eventually, [she] gave him her number, but we’re not so sure she’s into him."

Poor Leo. Somebody just hit the FF button on his transformation into the real-life Don Draper.

Leo should get a little credit, though, because he kept on kept on even after Cara shook her head "fuck no" when he told her that he's giving her the opportunity to visit the place 35 million models before her have visited. You'd think that hearing no from a chick would've made his head explode as his dick spat out a white flag before retiring up into his body for the rest of its life. Leo put a Band-Aid over the bruise on his ego and probably hit on another 20-something model (who probably turned his ass down too).

And here's some pictures of Cara leaving a yacht (not Leo's) in Cannes the other day and leaving a party with Wonky McValtrex. Yes, Cara hangs out with Wonky, but turns Leo down. Board up all the windows in Cannes before Leo jumps out of one.

Here's Listverse's definition of the elusive and rare Ghost orchid:

The Ghost orchid is a fascinating rare plant that was presumed extinct for almost 20 years, only recently did it rear its head again. The plant is so rare because it is basically impossible to propagate. It has no leaves, does not depend on photosynthesis and does not manufacture its own food. Like the Lady slipper, it needs a specific fungus in close contact with its root system, which feeds it. The Ghost orchid never grows leaves, and will therefore always depend on the fungus for its nourishment. The Ghost orchid can live underground for years, without showing any external signs and will only bloom when all conditions are optimum. This explains why some orchid enthusiasts search for years and years just to have a glimpse of this elusive flower.

If you replaced the name "Ghost orchid" with Spaz de la Huerta, that whole definition would still make so much sense and be one hundred percent truthful.

It feels like it's been more than 20 years since we've been blessed by the presence of the Crisco-dipped orchid that is Paz de la Huerta and she quenched the thirst of her admirers (aka just me) by gliding through LAX yesterday. Ever since those dumb bitches at Boardwalk Empire made the worst decision of their lives by firing Spaz, because her beauty and raw talent took the focus away from actors who are lesser than her, she's been busy filling her time with other things. I don't know exactly what those other things are, but she's been really busy filling her time with them.

I can spend my time wondering what that burn on her chin is (theories: Chemical peel gone wrong? She learned the hard way that giving Heat Miser a rim job is a dangerous task? The sun not only wanted to kiss her chin, it wanted to make out with it?), but instead I'm going to thank the gods for giving us a Spaz sighting. Never leave my eyes again, Spaz!