As Bradley Cooper and Heather Graham watched, Will Smith and Jaden Smith did the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap on The Graham Norton Show. Dead at all of this. I walked to the grave after seeing Jaden Smith dressed like a Hasidic power lesbian. I threw myself in the coffin when DJ Jazzy Jeff popped up. I closed the coffin lid when Heather Graham busted out some hot arm moves. And I ascended up to the afterworld when Carlton did the Carlton Dance.
The only way this could've been better is if Aunt Viv #1 came out at the end and did a dramatic reading of one of her rants against Will Smith.
And the messiness gets even messier. Amanda Bynes defended herself on Twitter today and said that a cop Zsa Zsa's her chocha and lied about her throwing a bong out the window. Doesn't the NYPD know that only Drake is allowed to commit a violent crime on her cooch? Here's the truth according to Amanda:
Don't believe the reports about me being arrested. It's all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn't let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That's why the judge let me go. Don't believe any reports.
I don't even know what to think anymore. But what I do know is that Amanda's wig will forever be embedded into a special place in my nightmares and this entire situation has made me think of her vagina more than I'd like to. If Amanda's telling the truth, I'm shaking my head at this shit. If Amanda's not telling the truth, I'm shaking my head at this.
Wheelchair Jimmy, come get your girl already.
This is what happens when Pimp Mama Kris lets every photo agency know what time Kim Kartashian is landing, what airport she's landing at and what airline and flight she's on. After Kanye West ditched her ass in Paris, Kim and PMK flew back to LAX and were met by a mob of paparazzi who they totally called. You know PMK knows every single photo agency's tip line by heart, but if you asked her for Rob Kartashian's number, she'd probably look at you with "WHO?" written all over her plastic face.
As Kim waddled on through the tsunami of flashes, Pimp Mama Kris screamed shit like, "She can't see," while smiling her fame whore smile for all the cameras. Nothing tickles the heaves out of my throat like PMK cheesing it up for the cameras. At one point, one of the paps opens up the SUV door and Kim screams, "Shut the fucking door, idiots!" That probably confused the paps, because they're thinking to themselves, "Well, you're the one who called us!" That's like the host of a dance party yelling at you and kicking you out for dancing.
Like this ho doesn't know that her fame whore stock will plummet into the ground if the paps stop taking her picture. Kim is only acting like she's mad at the paps, because if she acts like she's mad at the paps, maybe Kanye will look at her face again. I bet that right after she screamed at that paps, she texted them with: JK LUV U C U SOON xoxo.
And here's Kim putting her tortured swollen hooves through more pain while leaving a restaurant in L.A. last night.
Before a judge released Amanda Bynes back into the wild and didn't keep her in jail for throwing a bong out her apartment window in Manhattan, she underwent a psychiatric evaluation at Roosevelt Hospital. Even with a SCREAM FOR HELP wig on top of Amanda's head, the psychiatrists at Roosevelt didn't think she needed to be held in a psych ward involuntarily. TMZ says that Amanda's parents want to become her conservators, but she hasn't been acting insane enough for a judge to make them the CEO and CFO of her life. I know, that gutter ass wig says otherwise.
TMZ's sources say that Amanda has never been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, but her parents, who live in California, think she might be schizophrenic or bi-polar. It's been hard for them to find out for sure, because Amanda shakes her wig "no" when they ask her to see a psychiatrist. Apparently, the authorities want to put Amanda in a mental facility for 72 hours so she can get a full mental health evaluation, but there's just not enough evidence for a judge to approve that. I guess Amanda's crazy behavior just isn't crazy enough for the judge to force her to do anything. TMZ says that a judge can force her to get a full mental health evaluation if they think she's not clear in the brains enough to understand the felony charges against her.
And here's Amanda in court yesterday morning.
Why did I keep waiting for Amanda to scream, "BRING IN THE DANCING LOBSTERS!!!"
Amanda was back on Twitter last night and once again spread thick layers of delusion by saying that she doesn't smoke the good shit.
What more is there to say? If this was an episode of the Twilight Zone, everybody would be the crazy ones and Amanda would be the sane one. Because everybody is smelling weed smoke instead of tobacco smoke and don't know the difference between a vase and a bong. Well, but at least Amanda knows that her wig looks like something was pulled off of a dead morning-shift hooker lying in a ditch.
Like the ten million people before him who have asked a celebrity to go to an important life event with them, Jake Davidson of CA (oh, CA) made a YouTube video where he asked boner maker Kate Upton to go to his high school senior prom with him. The video went viral and Jake ended up talking to Kate on the Today show. Kate said the video was very "sweet" and she'd have to "check her schedule" to see if she can go. Usually, when somebody spits out the "I have to check my schedule" line, it means that they have checked their schedule and on that date they are doing anything (examples: pluck ass hairs out one by one, have a staring contest with a wall, live-tweet that 8-hour long Imitation of Christ movie, etc...etc..) but going out with you.
Kate told Jake that she couldn't go to prom him with and just as dozens of teen boners broke and filled with sadness, 21-year-old newbie Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal popped up and said she'd go with him. Inside Edition set up the date and Jake said that he loves Nina's Carl's Jr. commercial and is one of her fans (in other words, we all know what that means). Here's a video of Jake and the dutch model's prom date in Santa Monica, CA. CAUTION: Severe awkwardness ahead:
A few observations... DAMN that boy is nervous. I wouldn't call you a liar if you told me that he shat in his chonies at least 4 times during that video, because he looks like a bareback bottom slut awaiting his HIV results. Second, did she just ride with him in the limo, dance with him for a few seconds in the parking lot of the venue and then bounce out of that bitch? Nina's like, "I have to leave now! Prom is over!" and it's still light out. What in the hell kind of prom ends when it's still light out? Was it an Amish prom? She probably only signed up for one limo ride and an awkward dance in the parking lot.
Meanwhile, Jake is probably the only one at prom who didn't get any that night.
Contessa from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Writing about Kanye Sandiego trying to get away from Kim Kartrashian made me think of the hot bitches in the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? series on PBS. One of the hottest villains was the Contessa, a thieving thief of pure glamour and beauty who was a member of Carmen Sandiego's gang. The Contessa was a member of Italian royalty, dressed herself up in the finest fashions from Milan, could pilot a helicopter and her catchphrase was, "I may be a thief, but my taste is impeccable."She's like Lindsay Lohan if Lindsay Lohan had taste and wasn't trash.
If you care, here's a clip of the Contessa on WITWICS.
You could serve dinner for six on those shoulders, here eyebrows look like they were drawn on with a BIC and she always looks like something stank has just hit her nostrils. She kind of looks like Linda Dano on testosterone boosters and that is the look.
Ian McKellen (74)
Aly Raisman (19)
Neon Hitch (25)
Cillian Murphy (37)
Ethan Suplee (37)
Lauryn Hill (38)
Molly Sims (40)
Octavia Spencer (41)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (43)
Jamie Kennedy (43)
Anne Heche (44)
Stacy London (44)
Mike Myers (50)
Connie Sellecca (58)
Eve Ensler (60)
Jacki Weaver (66)
Frank Oz (69)
Leslie Uggams (70)
Selena Kay Letourneau strikes again! - Hollywood Tuna
So many, "I'd like Charlie Hunnam to Pacific Rim me" jokes, so little time - Lainey Gossip
Robert Downey Jr.'s old Sketchers ad is making me pucker from places I didn't know I could pucker from - The Berry
Put on your fishnets and get in a prayer circle for Dr. Frank-N-Furter - HuffPo
"Hey, Kristen Stewart, about how many working brain cells do you have?" - The Superficial
Helen Flangan's chichis look like two eggs in a nest made of pansies - Drunken Stepfather
January Jones is still not going to tell you who bareback boned a surprised baby into her - Celebitchy
Even Hugh JackMeOff's nipples look ripped - Towleroad
It took me about six eye blinks to realize that this wasn't a knocked up Selena Gomez - Popoholic
If American Idol is going to officially stop giving a shit by bringing back past contestants as judges, they need to bring back Rhonetta - ICYDK
STUNT QUEENS stuntin' like STUNT QUEENS at SNL - IDLYITW
What a gorgeous hemorrhoid with lips - Reality Tea
Elisabeth Moss believes the Hammaconda is real - Jezebel
Amber Heard is thinking to herself, "Hmmm, I know one of these vampire zombies is going to suck the life out of me later, but I'm not sure which one..." - Popsugar
This South Korean model and Daryl Hannah must have the same plastic surgeon - OMG Blog
So if I want a giant peen etched into my car, all I have to do is cut this crazy Florida trick off? Tell me where to find her - The Frisky
It's a shame One Life to Live isn't on TV anymore, because Snoop Lion would've gotten all the Emmys for this - SOW
This is the closest Tommy Girl will ever get to bare pussy - Just Jared
Stills from the next Planet of the Apes movie confirms that it's going to be the scariest Planet of the Apes movie ever - I'm Not Obsessed
Oops! Bright and early this morning, the Unicorn Butterfly Empress of the Pink Rainbows, Mimi, was on Good Morning America to promote her new song with Miguel called #Beautiful (I too wish that hash tag was a joke). But the only beautiful thing to come out of her visit was the moment thatn happened during her talk with life-like robot Lara Spencer.
The cries of sequins filled Central Park when Mimi's ten-sizes-too-small Ver-sayce dress popped in the back like a can of Pillsbury Flaky Layers biscuits. The animal hospitals were flooded with lambs who suffered cardiac arrests from almost seeing Mimi's Hello Titty balls in all their glory.
Because Mimi wanted to rack up as many YouTube views as possible, she also dropped a verbal shit bomb before apologizing to Donatella Versace for squeezing her goodies into a dress that doesn't fit her. Mimi should never apologize for being Dyslexic when it comes labels on clothes. We see a size European 34 on the label and Mimi sees, "YOU'LL FIT INTO THIS, DAHLING!" But whatever, even if Mimi's dress popped off. She had it covered. You know she had pasties of Nick Cannon's face covering her nibble knobs.
And here's Mimi singing that #Beautiful song with Miguel:
Gawker says that Mimi's people dubbed her vocals for the West Coast broadcast. The clip from the East Coast broadcast that Gawker has is hilarious. Mimi sounds like a baby hyena trying to coo and scream at the same time. That's what a monkey with laryngitis sounds like when it's being burned alive.
But damn, Mimi's people do not play around.