via Poorly Dressed

While Sacha Baron Cohen was off playing with his old bitch, George Clooney played with a new bitch in Malibu. And this one's a ginge! George treated his new Ginger Retriever friend like the lady or gentlemen that she or he is by gently shaking her or his paw during their first date. Okay, I'm using that "she or he" shit, because after doing a thorough examination with my eyes of this dog's crotch area, I still don't know whether it's a dude or a lady. (I'm pretty sure that last sentence is exactly what the pediatrician said to my mom after my first psychical.) Let's just make it easy and give George's friend the totally creative name of Ginger.

George and Ginger shared many beautiful moments together while shooting an Android commercial that's only going to air in Italy (because George is fancy like that). George usually doesn't date his co-stars, but he should make an exception for Ginger. After hiring basic bland boring bitch after basic bland boring bitch to be his red carpet escort, George should get with a natural beauty with a personality. Ginger has talent (Sarah Larson is my hero, but I'd like to see her sit and stay on command), doesn't need a $5,000 designer gown to look glamorous and will never bark out the English word "marriage." Ginger is perfect! Come on, George, put Ginger's paw on the contract.

In "Why in wiggly anus hell didn't I see this coming?" news, super lawyer Gloria Allred has found a way to get a starring role in this messy John Travolta saga. It looks like I was every layer of false when I said that John Doe #1 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta because he was paid off. John Doe #1 hired Gloria Allred and the two will decide whether or not he's going to sue a bitch again. I have been thinking that what this John Travolta vs. T Entire Massage Industry drama needs is a theatrical press conference starring dramatic ass Gloria "Norma Desmond" Allred!

John Doe #1's first lawyer, Okorie Okorocha, filed papers to dismiss the lawsuit after they both decided to go their separate ways. Without a lawyer and with hos throwing a suspicious squint at him for getting the date of the alleged groping wrong, most of us figured his case was as dead as the animal on Travolta's head. But the Captain Save-A-Ho of attorneys tells Radar that the case is alive and she's going to squeeze every last drop of attention leche from it:

" I represent John Doe #1. Mr. Doe's lawsuit was dismissed without prejudice which means that he is still legally entitled to file another lawsuit against John Travolta if he chooses. We are in the process of conferring with him regarding the next steps, which he may wish to take. Our client and our firm has no further comment at this time."

John Doe #1 doesn't need to ever comment, because Gloria Allgreen will say everything that needs to be said when she stages a live reenactment of the incident for the media in the conference room of her office. Now is Gloria's chance to top her priceless baseball bat butt sex ballet:

Since it's been Trollvolta overload around here and you're going to need several years of hypnotherapy to rid your brain of the images of his hungry hungry hole saying "Feed me, Seymour!" to a massage therapist's finger, here's something that might temporarily ease the pain. Presenting...Shemar Moore's nipples in Cannes!

Since Elisabetta Canalis is a professional when it comes to faking a relationship for a stack of money and a little relevancy, Sacha Baron Cohen hired her to star with him in a STUNT QUEEN skit on a yacht in Cannes this morning. While in his Dictator drag, Sacha rubbed on Elisabetta, showed her his little dicktator, pretended to be mad when she wasn't impressed with it, murdered her and then threw her overboard in a body bag. It was like a sped up performance art interpretation of her entire relationship with George Clooney.

Grabbing on an annoying character who's hairier than an unwaxed Kardashian before getting fake murdered is a million steps up from humping on the human skater's scab that is Steve-O. So YAY for that, Elisabetta. And I really hope she got at least four 8 balls for doing this shit.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Ke$hit look like Marjory the Trash Heap shat her up after downing gallons of used stripper glitter and butt sweat, but am I wrong ("Yes, you are." - you) for saying that she doesn't look completely awful as usual? Yeah, Ke$hit looks like John Travolta's face twin in a homeless shelter theater production of Some Like It Hot, but it's still an upgrade. It's amazing what four sand blast sessions, ten hours in a fumigation tent, a grooming by certified HAZMAT removal experts and a team of brave stylists who specialize in skankorcisms can do for a bitch!

Here's more of Ke$hit at something called the BMI Awards (Body Mass Index Awards? Busted Manfaced Idiot Awards? Bowel Movement Instigator Awards?) at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills last night. I also threw in some pictures of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Diana DeGarmo. I don't know what's worse? Diana's ihopethoseareclipon-bangs or the coagulated jizz balls on her bordello wallpaper of a dress?

My mom is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know. Scratch that. Let me do that sentence again. My mom is the ONLY caring and sensitive person I know since everybody else I know is a straight-up bitch. There that's better. Even though my mom is a kind soul, she's never really fazed by the dumb-coated pieces of mangled trash that my mouth shits up on a regular basis. But one of the only times I saw her get sad on the inside over some crap I spewed up was when we were watching her personal God, Dr. Oz, on TV and I said that he looked like a functioning corpse. The look on her face jumped between "you just strangled my kitten with my favorite cardigan while pissing with the seat down in my guest bathroom" to "you better learn how to drop your neck into your body real quick because I'm about to choke you out."

She is serious about her Dr. Oz and I'm sure one of her dreams in life is to be his assistant of the day so she can gaze up at his apple chip face as he tells her to crawl through a Colossal Colon or some weird shit like that. That is why I cannot and refuse to analyze the possible appearance of Dr. Oz's crotch wizard in the pages of Good Housekeeping. Damn TMZ, damn Good Housekeeping and damn me for posting this:

If you show this to my mom, do not tell me about it. Because the next time I'm watching Dr. Oz with her, I do not want to know why her smile is extra smiley. No. All parties involved are wrong for this. I hate cameras, I hate paper, I hate magazines, I hate scanners, I hate upload buttons and I hate the Internet.

Nick Stahl of Terminator 3, Bully, Carnivàle and In the Bedroom has been missing since May 9th and his family and friends are afraid he went hunting for the bad shit in or around Skid Row in Downtown L.A. Nick's estranged wife and the mother of his daughter, Rose, filed a police report with the L.A.P.D. on Monday after not hearing from him for over 2 weeks.

TMZ's sources say that recently 32-year-old Nick has been hanging out in Skid Row and he wasn't there to do charity work with the homeless or research a role in the Little Shop of Horrors remake. Nick has been fighting an addiction to the bad shit for a little while now and shit got so serious that Rose filed papers in February asking the court to force him to undergo a drug test 24 hours before he visits with their daughter. Rose also asked the judge to limit visitations with their 2-year-old daughter to 8 hours a week.

Ashley Judd, Poppy Montgomery, Sgt. Caroline Mason and Vivica Fox (yes, I just admitted that I watched that other Missing show on Lifetime), please assemble, because your services are needed STAT. Hopefully, this does end well and Nick's wife hasn't heard from him because he's been filming a super secret new season of Carnivàle.

Not to be outdone, the National Cattlemen's Association comes out with its own version of Time's controversial cover. - guruXen

Runners-up:

John Doe #3 has pictures to back up his Travolta experience. - nili

Lance wasn't doping all those years, because whatever is in the milk from the magical cow on the hill doesn't count. - Spaz de la Whoreta

The organizers of the Tour de France had second thoughts about having Salma Hayek as a sponsor. - gina latina

Kanye learns first-hand...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? - Scott in NYC

(Thanks, Karen)

FINALLY, fashion has given us what we really, really want in this life: PEEEEEEEEEEEN! These peen leggings are the perfect pants for you or the dick worshiper in your life who want to scream their love of cock from their legs while keeping it cute. Yes, power bottoms and certified cock sluts will try to rub their asses against your pants like a cat in heat, but that's a selling point, right? I was about to type that these peen leggings paired with a Golden Girls crop shirt will be the official Dlisted job uniform, but that's not going to happen. First of all, they're like $152 (I'll wait until JoAnn Fabrics puts this peen print on special). Second of all, I really wouldn't get shit done since I'd be trying to lick my thigh all the time.

via Fashionista & Buzzfeed (Thanks Michelle and Kevin!)

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