This is what happens when you leave an Energizer battery in the charger too long. - magusxxx

Runner-up:

Desperately seeking another 15 minutes, Chaz Bono attempts to convince Hefner to resurrect playgirl magazine. - Meatblocks

via Poorly Dressed

John Ireland, a sportscaster for KCAL 9 in Los Angeles who's always easy, breezy, beautiful.

If you've ever seen John Ireland on KCAL 9, then you've already lost your breath at the sight of his flawless, glistening face skin of dewy natural beauty. Well, the secret to John's Cover Girl face was broadcast to the world the other day when a camera caught him putting on his beauty like your mom in the car as she drove your ass to school. When John realized his ass got caught getting FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! FACE! ready, he pretty much shit his chonies and then realized that he left his Chanel No.5 in his other make-up bag so it's going to be impossible to mask the smell of embarrassment. Oh, John, even though we all know that you were not born with it and it IS Maybelline, we'll still see you as the most beautiful beauty of KCAL 9.

via Tastefully Offensive

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Sidney Poitier (85)

I know, I should double slap myself in the face for asking a question that even hos not named Al Pacino clearly knows the answer to. But RiRi tried. RiRi said at the Grammys last week that she recently decided to follow the "If Elvira Hancock wouldn't wear it, neither am I" rules of glamour and she made that shit perfectly clear at Stella McCartney's shown London last night. Look at RiRi sexy posing hard like she's in the line-up at a Bangkok whore house and she's one beej away from meeting her quota for the month.

While I appreciate that RiRi is giving me "if Tina Turner was in Scarface" vibes, I just can't with her trying to recreate the trophy piece perfection of Michelle Pfeiffer. I mean, I'd like to see RiRi try to bust out "sedated chicken airing out its pits" moves in that dress:

RiRi needs to leave dressing like a 1980s expensive Miami coke whore to the professionals.

Damn Maya Rudolph for not bringing out her Nippy impersonation last night. That was one of the only reasons why I kept my eyelids propped up and didn't allow myself to fall into a red wine/fried pancakes induced coma at the foot of my bed last night. Maybe Maya thought it was sort of kind of disrespectful to do Whitney on the same day as the funeral, but she could've at least let out a "hussy" or two as Cousin Dionne. Oh well, but Maya did do Beyonce on SNL last night and Justin Timberlake (who should really quit movies for good and join the SNL cast full-time) did his best Bon Iver. Strangely enough, Justin's Bon Iver impression is also a spot-on impression of my old high school world history teacher who decorated the back seat of his Tercel with stuffed animals and ate toothpaste instead of chewing gum because it's cheaper.

In other SNL news, in two weeks, a freckled train full of drunk fuckery will crash into 30 Rock when Lindsay Lohan hosts on March 3rd. Don't ask me what LiLo is even promoting. The sea jasper industry? A new super strain of herp? Collagen? Bitch's performances in the court room aside, LiLo hasn't acted in like years and now she's doing live TV for 90 minutes? It's either going to be a mess or a MEGA mess. But you know, LiLo was kind of funny the last time she did SNL, so maybe she can do it again? Or maybe this is a cross over episode between SNL and Intervention and it's Lorne Michaels way of luring her ass into the arms of Candy Finnigan. Let's hope.

Dame Judi Dench tells The Mirror that she's been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a condition that can cause blindness, and is trying to keep her sight. Before she was diagnosed, Judi's eyesight was already starting to go and she needed help reading scripts. It's gotten much worse. Judi's daughter has to read her scripts and she can barely see faces right in front of her. This might be okay if most of the faces in front of her belonged to a Kardashian, but that's not the case for Judi and so day-to-day life has gotten a little harder. Dame Judi explained it like this to The Mirror during an interview:

“I’ve got what my ma had, macular degeneration, which you get when you get old. I had wet in one eye and dry in the other and they had to do these injections and I think it’s arrested it. I hope so.

I can’t see your face at all now, but I can see your outline. I can see over there [she indicates the far side of the room, some 15ft away]. The most distressing thing is in a restaurant in the evening I can’t see the person I’m having dinner with. Actually, what I miss are people corpsing on stage.

I know there might be something going on but sometimes I can’t see it and that infuriates me as I think I’m really missing out on something.”

You get used to it. I’ve got lenses and glasses and things and very bright light helps. I can do a crossword if it’s bright sunshine but if a cloud comes out the next minute I can’t see anything.”

Judi misses reading books, but she's going to buy a digital book reader to make the words bigger. Judi also waves away any talk of her retiring and she plans to keep acting for as long as possible.

NOT DAME JUDI! You know, but with or without her eyesight, Dame Judi can still out act most of the young hos out there. Can't somebody donate their eyeballs to Dame Judi? That sentence was mostly directed at White Oprah, because it's not like she ever uses hers to look in the mirror or to see how much she's fucked up her daughters. WELL, it's Dame Judi we're talking about. She's an international treasure.

Thammy Gretchen, model, singer, lesbian porn star and the daughter of Brazilian superstar Queen Bottom Gretchen.

Any trick who gives you an instant lisp when you say her first name is automatically miles ahead from all of us in the Hot Slut game. But Thammy took her hotness a whole new level in 2006 when she freed the butch bitch inside of her by chopping all of her hair off, retiring her heels for good and declaring that she's a labia-loving lesbian. The SamRo of Brazil was born! Since then, Thammy has been scissoring her way through hot piece after hot piece on and off camera. Thammy made her then girlfriend Janaina Cinci the luckiest ho in every universe when she married her in the Brazilian wedding of the century in 2010. I don't know if Thammy and Janiana are still together, but Janiana would be a supreme dumb bitch if she ever stopped wrapping her legs around Thammy's neck.

Seriously, Thammy looks like she can eat you until your coochie started queefing in tongues and lady jizz started squirting out of your nipples holes. When she's done she'll leave you stumbling around looking for your head since it will feel like you orgasmed it off into another dimension. Thammy can also do this:

If one of Rojo Caliente's ovaries was fertilized with the saliva of Sporty Spice in the Jersey Shore hot tub right before somebody electrocuted the water by throwing in a computer with Hot Chicks with Douchags on its monitor, out would come Thammy Gretchen. I'm forever in love.

David Gandy (32)
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Before Whitney Houston's funeral started, Bobby Brown and a few members of the Houston family argued because he brought an entourage of 9 even though only he plus two guests were invited. The family told him that 7 of his guests would have to leave since the church was already over capacity, but just like a stubborn doody bubble that refuses to pop, Bobby got mad.

A source tells TMZ that Bobby wanted to sit next to his daughter Bobbi Kristina in the front row, but Whitney's family wasn't about to let that happen. The family never told Bobby to leave, but he left on his own since his 9 guests weren't allowed to sit in the family section . The family did let Bobby pay his respects before getting into his SUV and driving away. Bobby was inside of the church for around 15 minutes.

Why does Bobbaaaaaay B always have to stir the shit? Bobby is such fucking drama. What doesn't he understand about the number 2? You can't magically turn a 2 into a 9 by erasing its tail and giving it a head. It's still a 2! I swear. Bobby is like that uncle who comes to your family gatherings with 15 friends and ignores the stank eye you throw at him as every single one of his party-crashing guests make themselves a plate. I'll tell Bobby the same thing my aunt tells my uncle's friends, "There's only enough El Pollo Loco for us, so go buy your own!"

UPDATE: Bobby tells ABC News that security caused the drama and so he left before a scene went down.

“My children and I were invited to the funeral of my ex-wife Whitney Houston. We were seated by security and then subsequently asked to move on three separate occasions. I fail to understand why security treated my family this way and continue to ask us and no one else to move. Security then prevented me from attempting to see my daughter Bobbi-Kristina. In light of the events, I gave a kiss to the casket of my ex-wife and departed as I refused to create a scene. My children are completely distraught over the events. This was a day to honor Whitney. I doubt Whitney would have wanted this to occur. I will continue to pay my respects to my ex-wife the best way I know how.”

We're coming up on hour three of Whitney Houston's "Going Home" memorial and I don't know how my eyelids are still able to open after sitting through Kevin Costner talking for 35 million minutes about himself, himself, himself, himself, Jesus, himself, himself and how he himself put Whitney in The Bodyguard when nobody else wanted her in it. Oh, and he talked about himself and how Whitney is auditioning before God now (or something like that). The dozens of people taking a nap with their eyes open should've been the choir's cue to sing Kevin off the stage, because DAMN. Dances with Woofs was shorter than Kevin's speech.

Anyway, if Aretha Franklin was there, she would've knocked Kevin from the podium with her hip, but she pulled out from performing during Whitney's funeral. Aretha's leg muscles just wouldn't let her be great. Aretha gave this statement to People a couple of hours before Whitney's funeral today:

"Regretfully, I am so sorry that I was unable to be with you at Whitney's service today. I had every intention of being there. But unfortunately I had terrible leg spasms and locked leg muscles until 4:00 a.m. this morning following my concert last night, which I've been having for the last few days.

I feel it necessary and very important to stay off my leg today as much as possible until concert time this evening. My heart goes out to my dear friend Cissy, Dionne, Bobbi Kristina and the rest of the family. May God keep them all. – Aretha & the Franklin Family."

If only Aretha knew there is a nurse at the funeral who would've soothed her leg spams as she hollered out some musical notes for Whitney. Seriously, there's an nurse usher in a white nurse's hat and everything handing out tissues to the people in the pews. There really should be a nurse in a 50s nurse's uniform at every funeral, because sometimes you really need a tissue from an authority figure in white.

UPDATE: Here's Kevin Costner's eulogy in its entirety. Okay, okay, the last part was a nice tribute.