Open Post: Hosted By ASkars

After a day full of technicolor wedding hat bukkake, you might be craving something simple like pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday, so here’s some simple pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday. Not sure who’s hanging on to his ear, but he seems into it. Maybe he’s telling Kate Bosworth that he really can’t wait to get home and use her salad tong legs to toss the lettuce (not a euphemism). But then again, he could be gnawing on his soul while trying to communicate with his credit card company’s customer service. Like me yesterday!

You know, when I call to make a payment, you’d think that they would want me to put out and get out before I change my mind. It’s such a rare occasion that I actually make a payment (I’m joking! No, I’m not!) ! But they don’t, they always have to try to sell me Segway insurance or anal cavity protection or whatever. When I tell them no, they push. When I tell them I’m vulnerable and making a payment to them is a very hard thing for me to swallow, they push harder. And when I finally hang up on them and they’re forced to spend their lunch hour reporting me to collections, I only blame them for this! It’s their fault they can’t enjoy their cheese and mayo sandwich in the lunch room with the others! They just couldn’t let me be!

Yeah, that’s totally what ASkars is doing.

On another note, unless January Jones decides to mix headlines by revealing that the father of her baby is Prince Philip, this will be my last post of the day. I’m in Texas so there’s drunken pedicab rides to be had and I must terrorize what’s left of my bowels with massive amounts of fried everything. Yay!

Afternoon Crumbs

First look at the opening number for Brit Brit’s upcoming tour – The Daily What

The only way this exit would’ve been badass is if Duchess Kate rode on top of the hood while whipping her hair around to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” – Lainey Gossip

Looking like you’ve been passed out face first in a mountain of maggots for X amount of days is not what I consider “being awesome,” but I’ll let Charlie Sheen continue to have it – The Superficial

The word “fuckin‘” is on notice for knowingly jumping out of Trump’s mouth – Towleroad

Reese Witherspoon is wearing a dress. It’s red. This is what we’re dealing with today that’s not “you know what” related – Hollywood Tuna

Kathie Lee Gifford was robbed! Ann Curry will replace Meredith Vieira on Today – Celebitchy

And now my heart is full of barf – The Berry

A bikini: Nicole Richie’s in one (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Colin Farrell, just because – Just Jared

Instead of dropping cleavage, RiRi needs to drop that Hot Tamales shit from her head – Popholic

Jon Gosselin’s life has just been made – Boston Barstool Sports

I’m going to guess….Steven Tyler? – Popsugar

Texas plays nice with Chace Crawford. If they really wanted to ruin his everything, they could’ve sentenced him to 2 years without waterproof clear mascara – ICYDK

Jessica Seinfeld looks like a box of neon markers – Go Fug Yourself

And the homeless shelter theater Tony Award goes to…. – Celebslam

Something tells me Vin Diesel wants you to sit and spin – Hollywood Rag

FREE FRAAAAAANKIE (again) – Sandra Rose

The only good that can come of this is the long-awaited return of Jade – OMG Blog

A chipmunk reenacts Tommy Girl’s favorite activity – Cityrag

Oh, don’t you titty feed your baby in red heels, a white satin robe and perfect hair too? – I’m Not Obsessed

Prince Hot Ginge’s Crotch Grab Closes My Royal Wedding Coverage (I PROMISE!)

With everyone’s idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there’s nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don’t believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won’t ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you’ll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don’t act like you didn’t know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.

So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch ’em all for her eBay business. And since we’re on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice’s hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.

Flower Girl Grace Covers Her Ears For All Of You Today

via The Mirror

Posh Brings Her Signature Bitchface To The Royal Wedding

While Becks high-pitched perky demeanor matched his “young Shirley Temple on fast forward” voice, Posh was pretty much the opposite at that one wedding this morning. Who farted lard into the bowl of nothing Posh eats every morning? Posh was probably hating life more than usual because she couldn’t show off her size negative ten praying mantis body due to the bountiful mound of baby stuck to the front of her body. But Posh tried to make it work by gluing a giant blue Tic Tac to her head and covering her body with one of the navy tablecloths from my 9th grade winter formal (the theme was “Paris at Midnight” – GAG).

But if Posh did make the sliver of a tiny smile with her mouth, they would’ve shut that wedding down and the country would’ve declared a national emergency. When Posh’s permacunt ass smiles, we all pile into the safe houses.

Sadly, Kate Middleton Did Not Wear This Classic Bridal Ensemble

Kate Middleton doesn’t want the common people of England to ever think that she’s above their commonness, so she decided to not wear the classic English rose bridal ensemble above that drips elegance as much as it makes the angels drip tears over its sheer beauty. Some ladies just aren’t refined enough to carry a bridal two-piece made entirely of pasties. Kate understands this and she played it well by wearing a dress from David Bridal’s “Copycat Grace Kelly” collection. No, it was designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. You know, I’ll slide my bitchiness to the side to say that even though I prefer my dresses with rhinestones, peek-a-boo holes and nipple latches, this worked for Kate! Here’s the statement the palace (THE PALACE!!!) released the second Kate’s toe stepped out of her car:

“Miss Middleton chose British brand Alexander McQueen for the beauty of its craftsmanship and its respect for traditional workmanship and the technical construction of clothing. [She] wished for her dress to combine tradition and modernity with the artistic vision that characterises Alexander McQueen’s work.”

A million copies of this are being made by child slaves in Chinese sweat shops as we speak! But to appeal to today’s modern woman, they will chop the sleeves off, plunge the neckline to the belly button, remove the underlay over the breasts, hike up the front and install a built-in-thong!

And this is sort of off-topic, but one of my favorite parts of the ceremony is when Prince William had a little trouble getting Kate’s ring on. At first, I thought SHOT GUN! But then I shook my head at Kate for being off her game. Always dip your finger in Crisco beforehand so that the ring always fits even if a sneaky snatch tries to sabotage you by switching it with a smaller one.